The Devil Who Wears My Eyes

22 : The Certain Nights

Hindi ko alam kung ilang araw na ang nakalipas at kung ilang araw na ring hindi pumapalya sa pagdalaw sa akin gabi-gabi si Leopold. Nanay Meera told me I am losing so much weight. She us guessing that maybe I am being so stressed about the environment and noise with all the people in our house and the busy schedule. Despite that, I haven't had the exact answer of what I am asking Leopold repeatedly. He did not say no, he did not say yes either. On those nights and days, I only spent time with her. I do not have the energy to deal with anyone besides her. Even Daddy, I do not talk to him because he is too eager to push through this wedding. Of course, Mommy Kayla hates me for it, too. That means we both do not want the both of us to get in both our faces.

"'Nak, tawag ka ni Sir Jaime. Punta raw sa kwarto niya." She said later. "Tapos diresto na raw kayo sa pagkain."

"Pakisabi na lang po na pagod ako."

"Sige, anak."

She left after that and I continued resting. The music is calming me a little bit. Medyo inaantok na nga ako dahil doon ngunit hindi pa nagtatagal ay bumalik na si Nanay Meera. And to my disappointment, Dad is with her. Nanay Meera is quick to excuse herself and leave me alone with my Dad who immediately sat on my bed. Being with him after all those days I haven't heard from him because I intentionally did is uncomfortable all of a sudden.

"Ariella," he started. "Are we really separating because of this? I love you, anak. Please naman..."

"Akala ko nakalimutan mo nang may anak ka at napakaimportante rin ng opinyon ko sa bagay na ito. I warned you, Dad. It's me or your slut."

"Ariella!"

"Why, Dad? Is the truth hurting you so much? Can't you see and hear what all the people has been talking about? Your woman is a whore. She is just with you for my money!"

"Your mother would be disappointed on how you grew up, Ariella."

"She is already disappointed on how you're wasting your life with her. You promised to Mama that she is the only one - always. No matter what happens, she is the only woman you'll love. Then what happened to that?"

"She is dead, Ariella-"

"Because you failed to protect her just like how you're failing once again to protect me!"

I got goosebumps by shouting all those words. I am so proud of myself that even the littlest voice crack did not happen. Maybe I was waiting and preparing for this for so long, I must have said this to myself for so many times that the real situation I have been waiting for did not even make me flinch.

"Ariella, what...do you mean?"

"Finish your marriage quickly so that all the dirty people here will leave. I want to be alone. I want all of you out of my house."

That is maybe so harsh that it made the both of us speechless. I don't exactly know his reaction except judging by the silence we are making. Shocked? Maybe. Mad? Maybe. Disgusted? I would not be shocked if he feels that way now.

"Hindi ko alam kung kanino ka nagmana, Ariella. Your mom was so sweet, so kind. Ni hindi kayang magbitaw ng kahit ni isang masakit na salita. I am of course not as harsh as you. I miss the young Ariella I know. My sweet baby."

"Because you are dumb to know what really is happening in the surface of all of this. Because you are too busy trying to please everybody else, you forgot to see what really matters." I hissed again. I am not backing down nor regretting this conversation. "I miss the kind me, too. I miss the young, happy, and innocent me, too, Dad. If only you knew how bad I never wanted to grow old, you'll understand why I had to be this cruel. You'll grow to know why hating you and this marriage is not a choice for me to hate nor love the idea of. If only you understood and saw it from the beginning, we will not be having this painful conversation at all. I might even have my sight until now. If you only...just looked, you'll understand."

"Ariella..."

"Mom is not disappointed at me. I know that for sure. She is happy that I am protecting myself just fine. That I am surviving despite what happened. I know she loves me and forever will. She is in heaven, and I know she will be happy even though what I'll do will be a way not to meet her again. She'll be happy to-"

I stopped. I should not speak more of all that is inside my head or else, some things might slip out of my mouth. I just heaved a deep sigh and let him know the conversation is over.

"I will not go to your wedding day. I have another matter to attend to. An important one. Besides, that day, we'll go on our separate ways naman na. No need for the goodbyes."

I heard his sigh once again. Sa ngayon siguro ay naghahalo-halong emosyon na ang nararamdaman niya ngunit sa akin ay dalawa lamang - galit at pagkadismaya. He never saw what really matters because if he did, I might not be hurt this bad. I might be living a happy life and not in this jail of trauma and reality. If only he is really looking, Mama might be alive until now. But he failed...and never really looked. I understand myself for treating him this way now.

"Mama was right..." I said before he goes out of my room. "I only have her 'cause I never had you. And now, I only have myself. Thank you for bringing me out of this world though. I knew what it was like to be happy even for a short period of time."