silent

16

• AMALIA •

I sit on my bed with my legs crossed. I had dinner in my room, Elijah bringing it up. He asked me if I'm okay, I nodded. Even though I'm not.

     Doctors office.

     I bite my bottom lip and draw a peony in my flower book, lightly shading it since I have no coloured pencils. I'm going to ask to go to the shops soon—I need more pots and spades and soil and seeds. Perhaps I can ask my dad tomorrow, after the doctors office.

     I wince. I shouldn't have thought of that.

     I continue to draw, only looking up from the page when there's a knock on my door. A few seconds later, it opens and my dad walks inside, a soft expression on his face.

     "Hi, baby." He says. I smile. "You okay?"

     I nod.

     He walks over to me and looks over my shoulder, down at my page of information about peonies. "What are you doing?" He asks, sounding genuinely interested.

My cheeks fluster.

I show him the book. His eyes skim the page, a small smile blooming onto his face, and he turns back in the—almost full, sadly—book, reading each and every page.

I watch him as he gets to the beginning and steps back. "That's really good, sweetheart."

I blush at his compliment. He notices and grins.

I wrap my arms around myself.

"Are you getting ready for bed soon?" He asks. I nod again, and he copies me. "Alright. Goodnight, baby. I'll see you in the morning, yeah?"

     He leans down and presses a kiss to my cheek. I smile. He says goodnight again before leaving.

     I open my mouth. It would be so easy to talk, to make a noise come out of my mouth—just one. But when I try to, memories filter back to me, shocking me back into silence.

     You don't talk unless given permission, you little slut.

     Do as you're told and shut the fuck up about it.

     Ungrateful, chatty bitch. Someone should've put you in your place a long time ago.

     I don't realise I'm crying until a tear drops onto my leg. I wipe them away quickly, abandoning the idea of using my voice.

     Ever.

•

Rehearsal for my solo goes quicker than I'd like it to. I want it to go on forever and ever so that I never have to go to the doctors office.

But that's not how time works, so when my session is over, I wave goodbye to Keira and make my way out to the car park, where my dad is waiting for me.

He smiles from the drivers seat, but I can't bring myself to smile back as I climb into the passengers.

"Hi, baby." He says. "You have fun?"

I nod. I had a dress rehearsal and fitting for my solo costume today, as well as a fitting for the one for Oliver and I's duet. I'm excited, but also nervous. I'm nervo-cited.

"Your appointment got moved up, so we have to get going now. Is that alright?"

No. No, no, no. It's really not.