Poems of Pain and Solitude

Chapter 7: zero lights

Our memories are like stains left all over me.

Indelible scars that bloom over a delicate heart.

Your hoax is the foundation of my faith,

But it's such a beautiful lie that I held on to it,

Like I was holding on to something I knew would never last,

A thread that tied us together so frail and fragile.

Remember how I said I could feel you everywhere?

In the heaviness of the morning air,

Flickering in the lamp post lights,

Whispering, breathing in the morning hurt?

Now that you're not here, your presence has echoed

In an undeniable power I always knew you wielded over me.

You're even more here,

Now that you're not.

Your presence still lingers like a perfume over me,

Your presence still hangs in the atmosphere,

I can still feel you in the deadly silence of the nightfall,

In the bleeding wounds of the sunrise, at dawn.

Your secrecy is a sinful delicacy.

You were a temple in which I could whisper some

Cursed prayers, until the ache

In my soul would stitch together anew,

Into a blessed scar over my heart,

That you taught me to love.

In the embers of the fireplace, I can see you.

Are you thinking of me?

Are you thinking of how it all could have been different

If only I was never so desirous for what I could not have?

I wish you all the best, my love,

And I hope you never get broken like I broke you.

I would not wish for one to meet someone like me,

Even upon my worst enemies.

You look in the mirror and you see

There are lights and halos deep in your ice blue eyes,

But you always knew that I would haunt you,

You always knew I would be your demons, despite your angels.

Even as you fade away from my dreams,

You'll stay my hero, in my story you've added chapters

That I could never have written,

I hope you get the roses that I've never sent you.

In your epilogue I hope you find someone wonderful and kind,

And I hope she heals the heart I've torn apart.

I break down in the middle of the night,

The screams from my past ghosts haunt me,

And I reminisce on things I thought I would forget,

But I'll remember you as a part of me,

Forever I'll remember our last kiss,

And the tears that streamed down my face.

When I try to run back to you, the floor falls through.

Sometimes, I look up to see the northern lights,

Perhaps I'll spot a small lodestar to find my way back home.

But there are none, and your absence is the only thing

That my mind can seem to notice.

Zero lights, but a thousand words left unsaid.

The stars were never worth wishing on,

The pages were never worth being turned,

The story was never worth being continued,

My heart was never worth being loved.

I am unworthy of even your goodbyes,

So who am I to wait here, hopelessly waiting?

But, my gentle lullaby,

I hope you can still see me in the pain that collides in the rain,

I hope you can still remember me as something more than just regret,

I hope you can still recall our laughs when you hold her hand,

I hope you can still hear my voice in your dreams,

I hope you can still look back and wish you'd never left.

You left me behind, like I was a legacy to forget.

But I'll always see you as my biggest sky,

I'll always see you as my most wrinkled pain,

I'll always see you as my most lyrical ache.

Honey, please, remember me when you look for the lights,

But there are none to ever look for.