Poems of Pain and Solitude

Chapter 10: beckoning shadows

During every second that ticks by,

I stare at the clock, but my midnights fly

And I spend them staring at an empty ceiling

On which you used make me see stars,

And light my heart casually aflame like a cigar.

All of your words still resonate

But "I love you" are words that never age.

How long 'til I grow up and apart from them?

Oh, but I still remember how you used to brush my fear

And steer all my thoughts from dark to clear.

I have seen all the miracles life has had to offer

But they somehow all turned to shattered disasters.

Isaac once met a boy with eyes blue like summer,

But the boy was taken away by a storm cold like winter.

Then Isaac was all alone, on his own.

The little Emma once wanted to write her stories

But her parents never believed in her,

And taught her to work harder, become something better.

She said goodbye to the path she had made out of dreams;

And so she faded and became memory.

In the skies Isaac met Emma,

And in each others' pain they found solicitude

And comfort that braved the walls of solitude.

But they could never hug each other,

For from the skies Reality was still laughing.

Despite this, you made me think Love was easy!

You said "Burn off your problems" but dearly, truly,

How could I ever burn you off?

Because if I had to I would've flown to the moon

And stolen it from the sky for you.

I knew by heart the way you used to laugh

Like the sweetest bells in a coffee shop,

But from close up it would sound cold, and sharp.

You split my heart in a hundred parts

But they were still all yours to break again.

The symphony we played together on the piano,

How could I tell you it still rings at night, aglow and slow?

In the most hurtful ache, I want to scream that I miss you.

Because I do. I really do.

I miss you so much that tears pile up in my throat for centuries.

The crestfallen look on my face,

Filled with scorch marks from your incandescent fires

Is becoming so familiar, branded in my mask

But slowly it burns away into uncontrollable ire

And the want to tear you apart in lawless grace.

I want to run in the rain

Bellow your name and curse you for all the pain

Because I know I had never done anything to deserve

All the heartache you tortured me with.

All I had ever done, was doing too much.

The less you cared the more I did

Because with you too much is never enough

And the touch of your hand, so rough

Was what my heart asked for only because it was

The only thing that made it beat again.

Some people change

And when you said I was never your age anyway

I can't tell you how much that killed me inside

That night when I told you I loved you,

You just kissed me but never said anything back.

Now behind these walls of regret,

Your shadows still dance from the memories we made

And they beckon to the person and past I left behind

The golden heart that called me silver

And despite it all I don't think I'll forget you, ever.

Behind all the promises I never kept

The words I never said remain poignant to my core wounds

For never once have I said sorry for what I did to us

And never once have you said sorry for what you did to me.

Maybe one day I'll find the bravery but for now my soul dies.

In a graveyard of memories,

You remain one that feels the most alive,

Yet the one that killed me the most.

If I die in hell, I'd still cross the fields of Punishment

To find you though I know I shouldn't.

And maybe in another world you would've stayed mine

But I know that in my deepest pains I'll always come back

To you whenever I try to think of someone I love.

I wish I could hate you for what you did, and I do,

But I think I love you just the more.

My heart won't let me break free

From the hold your chains kept me in.

Made me think it was a mere cold hug

But somehow I always knew within

After you I'd never find me.

From the dark corners of the room

Your beckoning shadows

Still haunt me with a thousand voices.

Love you for being my brightest sun,

Hate you for burning me.