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TODAY.
I reach for the doorknob with my hand shaking from how nervous I am. Last week I ended things with him. I wonder if it was enough to keep him at a distance.
I know I'm a bad person for what I did. I know that in a way, I used Katsuki to make myself feel a love Devin could never give me. A love I had forgotten was mine.
Katsuki will always be my first love, but it's time for me to mature. Fictional characters don't belong in the real world. It's not possible. If they did, they'd live forever, because real objects can't harm them.
Even then I wouldn't choose Katsuki.
Not because of Devin, but because if he'd live on for eternity, he would have to live through my death, and since he loves me so much, he'd never stop grieving. I couldn't do that to him.
I finally turn the knob, but before I can push the door open, someone is already doing that for me. My mouth opens, but that's all it does, because I can't find the right words to say.
A simple 'hi' would be inappropriate, and yet he ends up saying just that, "Hey, Y/n." A forced smile forms on his lips.
We stand here, awkwardly, for what seems like an endless amount of time, until he steps aside. I walk in with my head looking anywhere, but at him.
Somehow it feels familiar. And then I remember, as children, he'd avoid looking at me, making it feel as if though I were invisible. Now it's me who is doing the same to him, and I wonder if he feels invisible?
I walk down the hall to my room, but before I go in, I notice Mason and Denki running outside. I suddenly laugh out loud, even though there's nothing funny about that, except that it was so random of them.
Quickly, I step into my room before I have the urge to turn and see Katsuki's reaction to my laugh.
My room, there's another smell, one that isn't mine, but his. Has he been sleeping in here?
I take a few deep breath's and begin looking for something. "What am I looking for, again?" I ask myself out loud. What was it that I came back here for? There was something.
I look around my room and walk up to the body mirror that's still in the corner. The person looking back at me doesn't look like me at all. She's an imposter to the person I used to be.
I stare at myself for another minute, and then I notice the pocket on the chest of my coat. My hands begin to reach for its zipper. Slowly, I open it and reach inside.
When my fingers pull the object out, it's the bracelet. I step back and sit down on my old bed, pondering the idea of how this bracelet coincidentally happened to be in the pocket of my coat that's closest to where my heart is.
Is this a sign?
Suddenly I feel like this is what I was meant to find, but the image of Devin comes into my head and I feel guilty for thinking this.
With the bracelet still in my hand I get up and shove my door open, only to be greeted with a loud smack.
"Ow—ouch." He says.
I step out and close the door. Katsuki is standing there, with his hands up to his face. "Did I just? Are you okay?!" I reach for him, but stop myself, and then I reach for him, again, hating myself for just hesitating to help him after I've physically hurt him.
I walk him to the kitchen and sit him down. "I think there's frozen fruit in the freezer." He tells me. I go to grab it, but realize something just as I'm reaching for it, "Real objects can't hurt you."
He uncovers his face. "That's true, but depending on how serious the injury is, it can hurt for a little longer." His smile shows up.
"Well, me hitting you in the face with my door wasn't that serious, now was it?" I close the freezer back up and walk over to him.
He stands up and immediately towers over me. "It was to me. I think I finally understand what the phrase hitting on someone means."
I look at him, baffled by what a stupid joke he's just made, "That's the lamest thing I've ever heard." But I still laugh.
Once again, we're laughing, together.
I realize this and stop. "This isn't right. How does this happen? How do you always end up doing this?" I ask.
"Doing what?"
"Something drastic could happen, such as me attempting to murder you, and still you come back to me, and it's as though nothing happened."
"Oh, that." He grabs my hand, noticing the bracelet peeking out, "I just really hate losing."
Now he's slipping it on my wrist, and then slides his sleeve up to reveal that he's wearing his.
"Katsuki, stop. I hurt you. Why can't you understand that? Why can't you hate me?"
He doesn't say anything.
"Detest me! Loathe me! Scorn me!" I plead.
He grabs my face, his thumbs wiping away at tears I didn't even know were there.
"You read too many books." He says, "I'd rather love you in every synonym."
His words become too much for me. He's too good for me, and I'll never be enough for him. He'll never understand because I've blinded him, and that's another reason why I refuse to accept any kind of relationship with him.
That's why I'm walking to the front door, hoping he doesn't follow me. I need to get out of here and pretend that today never happened, but when I open the door, I almost fall back from shock.
