must have been a deadly kiss, only love can hurt like this // hyunlix

2020 pt13

January 1st, 2021 — nine months later.

A new year began for everyone, the entire Stray Kids team was very hopeful that it would be the best year of their career so far, since the boys' last comeback was a huge success — especially the 'God's Menu' song, that surpassed a hundred million views after only two months of release of the clip on YouTube.

Stray Kids was finally gaining the recognition of their hard work. There were nights in clear, without sleep, with insomnia, working all day, not having a minute of rest and above all, stressful days. But for everyone, it was worth every second of it. None of them would do anything different, because as much as they were working, they were between family, which eased their tiredness in the worst days.

It was in June last year that the first studio album 'GO LIVE' was released, with fourteen songs worked on throughout the year of 2020. Needless to say, the album was a somewhat unexpected success for the whole team. Even though they worked so hard, the members did not expect such a success and were extremely satisfied with such recognition, and especially, proud of themselves.

In September, they released the repackage album of 'GO LIVE' titled 'IN LIFE' with 'Back Door' serving as the album's title track. 'IN LIFE' surprised everyone once again with the number of listeners to the newest work of the team, which made Stray Kids nominated for some awards, having a very high peak in their careers. Magazines posted about a new 'leader of the fourth generation' with the eight members number one on the list, being at the top of all the other groups.

Things were going well for Stray Kids, maybe just saying 'well' is even little. Things were going great. Big and well-known brands were wanting to partner with the group, fans were increasingly in love with the songs, the fandom was growing more and more, they were finally being valued after years of hard work.

So why didn't Hyunjin feel happy?

Don't get him wrong, Hyunjin was happy for the group's archives, and was beyond proud of his friends and himself, but he couldn't be happy with the direction his life was taking. He thought maybe it was a sin to think that way, seeing that nothing was missing in his life. He had a full healthy family, food every day, a home, fans who love him, seven members that he would give his life for and many things he's beyond grateful to have. But one thing was indeed missing for him to feel complete and happy, but it was something he knew that if one day he had, he would never be able to have it again.

Felix.

It's been about nine months since he and Felix went through that night when their manager ripped their hearts out and then trampled them. On the one hand, Hyunjin thinks that maybe it would be better to have literally happened than the suffering that was to move away from Felix, being so close to the love of his life but not being able to touch a single finger on the youngest. It was pure torture.

The relationship he once dreamed of having with Felix was just not purely forgotten by Hyunjin's stubbornness of not being able to move on. It's not like he hasn't tried, he tries every single day, but he just can't. It's not something that he can change, it's something that he will have to live with it. The pain has taken so much into his body that Hyunjin thinks that the size of the love he feels for Felix can already be compared to the size of the pain he is forced to feel every day when he wakes up, sees Felix, and not be able to tell him he loves him with all his heart. It's been about three hundred days since he shared a last kiss with the youngest, and he would do anything to capture Felix's lips against his for just a few seconds again.

Hyunjin thought that over time, things would get better, that maybe he would start moving forward, or just take a turn in his life that wasn't just thinking about the youngest. He swore nine months ago that he would be suffering much more then, than he is suffering now. Maybe it was true, he thinks when he remembers the first weeks they had to stop having any romantic relationship they were starting to have.