Addicted (Andy Biersack)

Chapter Twenty

Andy's POV

Things went back to our version of normal after that night we told each other the truth. I stayed with her family for another week. Neither Wes nor Ronnie realized we spent the entire week sleeping in each other's beds. Some nights she stayed with me, but most nights I stayed with her. It wasn't the best thing ever for either of our sleeping patterns because each morning, one of us had to wake up at 5 or 4 AM, but it was worth it.

I hated doing this to my best friends, but I couldn't help it. I never expected to fall in love with a person so young. Actually, I never expected to fall in love with anyone ever again. Period. I don't know when the realization hit me first. I started considering the reality of our situation when I visited her on her birthday last year. I knew it was wrong of me to expect her to stay with me while I was already dating someone else. Hannah is great. But she isn't Josie. She's nice, she's smart, she's a musician like me, so she understands how little time you have when you're on the road, or when you're busy recording new music. But that isn't enough. She didn't knock me off my feet. It sounds stupid coming from a 43-year-old man, I fully realize that. I know I'm in the position of the person who should have said no from the beginning. Having been drunk at the time isn't an excuse. I can't even say I saw her as a possibility from the moment she turned 16 or something. No, that's disgusting. It isn't so much about the way she looks as it is about who she is. Before we started our fling, if you want to call it that, I saw her around Christmas every year, but that's mostly it. With the exception of me babysitting her from time to time. Christmas became a tradition for the families pretty soon after she was born.

Every year at Christmas, she would surprise me by how much she'd grown in the time I hadn't seen her. When she started going to high school, when she started becoming a grown-up, that's when we developed an almost equal friendship. It sounds wrong when I think it even, but that's the closest thing to what it was. She's always had some of the qualities of her parents, but only after she started going to high school did they start showing in their truest form. I guess I enjoyed it because it reminded me of the good old days with Ronnie and Wesley. That's my mistake. I should have kept her at a distance. The moment I said I would babysit her when she bought them that holiday for Christmas, I should have made a pact with myself. To stay away from her. I told her I would stay out of her way, but then I didn't. Every time she made a pass at me, a small part of me wanted to answer. I kept that part at bay until that stupid party. I was so angry that night. I know she understood it as me being angry at her. But I was mad at myself for feeling any sort of way about her. It's the classic case of "old guy gets his head turned by a young girl." I shouldn't have.

I despised the idea of 40-something-year-olds dating somebody half their age. And there I was, doing almost the same damn thing. How could I? After that first time, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror, let alone talk to her. I know it must have hurt her. I can't imagine how bad she must have felt. But I just couldn't talk to her about it. It took me almost 9 months to be able to face her again. I almost made up an excuse not to join them over Christmas that year. But then I sort of thought up a plan to ask her to pretend it didn't happen. When I saw the look in her eyes as I told her that it didn't mean anything to me, I almost broke down.

But then everything seemed to be okay. We went back to being friends. Wesley fucked up my whole plan by asking me to take Josie along to that New Year's party. I should have said no. But I didn't. From the moment we were alone in my car, and she was driving, I knew I needed to stay strong. I tried playing it cool by joking about her driving. It seems dumb, but seeing her drive, it made me realize that she was an adult now. And that dress she wore to the party... Had she not asked me what was wrong with me, I could have stayed strong. I still wonder how this young person could get me to open up so much. Not even Juliet had this power over me. I should have known back then that it was the beginning of something significant. But I didn't. I chose to stay blind.