Finding Her

Thinking Back

Allen stares at me with intent as I uncomfortably fiddle with my thumbs.
He comes over to me and sits down.
"What's wrong with you?"
"I'm hungry. I haven't eaten for ages"
I cry.
"I told you you're not getting food because of the way you behaved Maura"
"I know , I know."
I repeat as tears fall.
He gives me a drink of water and I accept it.
I take the bottle and thank him.
I'm so thirsty that I drink the whole thing.
I go to the bathroom as he watches.
"Can I take a shower please?"
I question as I wash my hands
"No get back in there!"
He pushes me out into the living room.
He grabs my hand and drags me into the bedroom as I try to protest.
"Please no...."
I cry.
He sits me onto the bed and he chains me up.
I scream as I wake up.
Jane shoot's up and I start to hyperventilate
"Baby Honey...Maura listen to me"
"What?"
I cry.
"I'm not going to hurt you. Deep breaths baby in and out"
I get out of bed and I sob as I walk away
"Baby...come back"
I punch the wall as I sob and my hand shakes as the blood starts to rush.
"Okay okay you're okay"
She holds my hand as I drop down to the floor and continue sobbing.
She gets down to my level and I stay against the wall
I don't cling to her or go to hug her.
"Please....just please...don't be mad"
"I'm not mad baby"
She holds my bleeding knuckles as I sob.
She helps me up and she takes me into the bathroom.
She picks the pieces of the wall out of my hand.
"It's not broken"
I tell her as I inspect it.
She puts some anti septic solution on it as I sob.
"I know it hurts baby"
She bandages it and then I hug her.
"I'm sorry that I can't be a better girlfriend"
"Baby you're the best girlfriend I could ever have. You make me so happy"
I sob into her arms as she cradles me like a child
"I'm gonna stay in bed today. I don't want to go out"
"That's fine baby"
I nod and I cover myself with the duvet.
I feel her kiss me and then she shuts the door.
I cut myself while she watches tv in the living room.
Jane suddenly comes in whilst I'm holding a rag to my arm.
"Baby- what did you do?"
"I'm sorry"
I sob.
She sits next to me and she removes the cloth.
She instantly puts it back on after some blood spurts from a wound.
"Baby you need to go to a hospital"
"No no it's fine....it's okay. I didn't do it deep"
"Baby you're sweating and it's still bleeding so come on"
She helps me into the car and I continue applying pressure
She parks the car and she wraps my coat around me.
I shiver adjusting to the cold,
She gets a doctors attention.
The male one from before.
"She's done it again"
She tells the doctor.
I'm forced to be in close proximity with the male doctor while he stitches my arm.
I don't wince or cry as he pulls the thread.
"All done"
He tells me.
I nod and he gives me some painkillers.
Jane sits on the chair beside me
I fiddle with my fingers.
"Why'd you do it baby?"
"I needed to do it"
I cry.
"Did that voice tell you to do it?"
I nod and sob as she embraces me.
"What did it tell you exactly to do baby? Was that an attempt on your life?"
"No no, I was just trying to take the edge off"
I say as I cry frustratedly.
"It told me to cut myself...so I did"
She holds me.
"Okay baby, you need to tell me when you have that voice."
I nod but I know I'll never tell her.
I'm already too much of a burden.
"I'm too damaged Jane, you should leave before I end up hurting you"
"I will never leave you! I love you!"
My breathing becomes erratic and the machines beeps
Doctors come floating in and then they sedate me
"We've given you a light dose"
They tell me as I pass out.
I wake up a couple of hours later and Jane is sleeping
I head to the bathroom and close the door.
I rinse my face with the water and sigh.
I allow myself to break down and I sigh again
I go back out and Jane is awake.
"Baby you could've woken me?"
"I'm sorry"
I get put back into the bed by her
A doctor appears
It's the man from before I realise.
"Hello Maura. How are you feeling now?"
"Fine I guess"
"Are you experiencing any pain in your arms?"
"No"
"That's good"
Sandy appears.
"Oh fuck, not you again"
I whisper to myself
"Hi Maura"
"Hey, what are you doing here?"
Jane looks at me with disappointment in her face.
"I'm here because we have some new diagnosis"
"What do you mean we?"
"The Mental Health Crisis Centre"
I shake my head
"We are diagnosing you with severe PTSD Maura"
"No what? I'm- I'm fine"
Suddenly Allen appears and mutters to himself
"Stupid bitch!"
I snap out of it and I shake my head
"I AM FINE"
"We have also diagnosed you with severe depression and severe panic disorder"
"No, no no"
I keep repeating
I feel like the world is going to collapse.
My whole life has just fallen apart
"I can't...I can't have them! I won't be able- to do...my job and everyone- will look at me- different!"
I panic.
"Maura take it easy....you're panicking"
Jane tells me as I grip her hand.
I focus on my breathing.
I feel so naive.
I should've stopped it before it went too far.
Sandy watches as I breathe.
"You're going to attend mandatory-"
"I don't want to"
"Mandatory!"
She stresses
"Mandatory therapy sessions and when you go back to work you will be slotted in for breaks so you don't burn out."
I get pissed off.
"I'm a grown ass woman who's been fighting and defending herself for years! If you think I'm just going to let some blonde ass bitch-"
"Maura stop!"
Jane yells at me.
I crumble like a cookie and I lock myself in the bathroom.
I hear them talking.
"I'm so sorry about her"
"No I understand...she's been putting up walls and putting on a brave face for all of her life and now she can't take them down"
"Exactly. I just want to help her but she doesn't let me."
"Just don't yell at her like that again because she definitely is easily triggered"
"Yes, I feel so bad for doing that"
"I'm gonna need you to discuss her triggers with her tonight and write them down for me"
"Okay we're getting discharged soon so I'll do it tonight"
"Thanks"
"Thanks Sandy"
I hear the door to the room close and Janes footsteps come closer.
She knocks on the door.
I'm pacing around the small room and I stop.
"Maura honey...let me in"
"No!"
I cry.
"Please baby...I'm sorry I yelled at you!"
"Seriously Go away please!!!"
I cry with desperation.
"I'm not leaving you baby"
I keep sobbing.
I sit on the floor and bring my knees up to my face.
I sob into my knees as Jane continuously knocks.
I hate the sound of it so I eventually open the door
Mascara is dripping down my face.
"Oh baby"
She tries to embrace me but I push her off slightly.
I sign the discharge forms and wraps my coat around myself.
We get into the car without saying another word.
When we arrive home , I open the door and walk away from her.
She follows and she stand in front of me
"Please get out of my way baby"
"Where are you going?"
"I need the bathroom"
I sigh.
"Okay"
She steps out of my way and I use the bathroom.
I wash my hands and then I go back out.
She's sitting on the bed so I lie beside her
I speak first.
"I'm sorry for what I said"
"I'm sorry for yelling"
"I'm sorry for everything"
We both say at the same time
I let her hold my hand.
"We need to talk about your triggers baby"
"I don't really know what they are"
"Let's just try and list them okay"
I nod and she pulls out a notebook.
"Do you want to write them?"
She questions with a slight smile
I shake my head
"That's okay"
She takes the lid off the pen.
"Allen"
I say
"Okay"
She writes it down.
"I see him everywhere I go"
She nods
"My adoptive father."
"Amy and Hugo"
"Lucky"
"Suicidal thoughts"
"Some of the cases we get daily"
She writes all of them down.
"Panic attacks"
"Needing to use the bathroom"
I sigh
"The smell of beer"
"Drugs"
"Yelling"
"Loud noises"
"Chains"
She holds my hand as I break down and sob.
She rocks me until I fall asleep.