Finding Her

Tuesday

Soon enough it's next Tuesday.
It's my birthday today.
Officially 12!
No presents and no fun.
I wait in the waiting room.
"Come with me. I've got a birthday surprise"
He grabs my arm and he leads me into the bathroom.
He brings me to the disabled toilet stall.
"Dad...please don't?"
I cry.
"I'm not. I just don't trust you alone"
I nod.
I turn around as he unbuckles his belt.
He yanks his trousers slightly down and he uses the toilet.
I avoid eye contact with him.
He smiles as he goes to zip up his trousers.
"Actually. I have a surprise for you?"
"Really?"
"Yep!"
"Yay!"
I smile
Fuck, how was I so naïve.
"pull up your skirt"
"Dad please?"
He yanks me closer to him and he pulls up my skirt.
He puts my leg up on the toilet and he grabs my waist.
He fucks me until I can't breathe.
I throw up afterwards.
My dad wipes the excess vomit off my face and he grins
"You're okay darling"
He stands me up and he fixes my skirt.
He allows me to go to the bathroom.
He stares at me as I release my bladder.
We go back out after washing our hands.
Suddenly, Dr.Nixon is there.
She has a pale look on her face and she is slightly trembling.
"Sorry I'm late guys"
"No no it's okay. We were just in the bathroom so you're fine"
She nods and we go to her office.
I reluctantly sit down.
"Okay so how are you today Maura?"
"Fine"
She nods.
I feel slightly uncomfortable since I'm throbbing down there.
I shift in my seat.
"Okay so I'm going to ask you to hop up on the bed for me and lie back"
I get up and I nearly collapse.
She catches me as my dad watches.
She gets my dad to lift me.
He grabs my ass then he slides me onto the bed
"I'm pregnant so I can't lift heavy things"
She comments as he nods and congratulates her
"I- I'm not heavy!"
I scream.
She stares.
"I- I didn't mean it like that honey. I just can't lift things like for example you. I can't even lift boxes at the moment so you're not heavy"
I sigh.
She checks my blood.
"Honey you're dangerously sick. Your iron levels are very low. I'm gonna have to call an ambulance. You're dehydrated so they'll probably give you fluids"
"No no I'm- I'm fine"
"Maura shut up and listen to the doctor."
The ambulance arrives pretty quickly and they hook me to a machine.
I cry as I get transported to a hospital
My dad ridicules me
"If you would just eat, we wouldn't have this problem"
"Stop!"
I cry as they push fluids.
I scream but I pass out.
I wake up and my dad is raping me.
"What- what the fuck?!"
"Shut up and take it!"
He slaps me.
I let him do his thing.
He gets off and he fixes my hospital gown
"Where's mom?"
"She's still on her trip."
"Wait- she's not coming?"
"Nope. It's just you and I."
I frown.
"You were very pale and now you look a bit better."
"I don't feel it"
I comment as I put my head back down onto my pillow.
He grins.
The doctor examines me and he tells me that I'm gonna be kept in for a night for observation.
Tears fall as I nod.
I put my head back down and I attempt to sleep.
I wake up with a start.
Jane looks at me
"Are you okay?"
I nod slightly.
I check the clock
"3:54"
It reads.
I put my head back down and I snuggle up to Jane.
She holds me until I fall asleep
I'm still in that stupid hospital.
"Get up, we're leaving"
My dad announces as I get my IV taken out.
I scratch my arm since it's itchy.
He packs my bag up and then he takes me by the hand.
He walks me out of the hospital and we get a taxi home.
I sit down on the couch and I wrap myself in a blanket.
Dad comes in with a bottle of wine and two glasses.
"I- I can't breathe"
I say as I clutch my chest.
"Oh shut up...you're overreacting again"
I shake my head.
"Here this will calm you down"
He pours me some wine.
I accept it and it makes me calm.
My breathing returns to normal.
He pours himself a glass.
He turns on the tv for me and he works on a lecture schedule.
"Maura...turn that Damn tv down"
"Sorry dad"
I turn the volume down and I engross myself in it.
I tap my fingers off my thigh.
My dad pours himself another glass of wine
His glasses fall off as he bends to put the wine bottle back on the table.
I laugh since it was funny
"Are you laughing at me?!"
"No no! I was laughing at the tv dad"
"Somebody just died in it Maura"
Fuck!
"Yeah but it was a comedic death!"
"You're making excuses just so I don't penetrate you!"
He moves closer to me.
"Please- don't!"
He yanks up the skirt and he pulls my underwear to the side.
He's so eager he doesn't even use a condom or any lube.
Sometimes he would spit on his hand so it wouldn't hurt me.
I screech in pain.
He gets me on all fours and he anally rapes me as I scream.
I wake up screaming in Jane's arms.
Jane is rubbing my back telling me that I'm safe.
"I- he!"
"What did he do baby?"
"My dad- raped me- anally"
I sob.
"Oh baby."
She holds me as I sob.
Tears appear in her eyes
"Is that why you refused to try anal that one time I asked when we first started dating?"
I nod rapidly as I sob.
"Oh baby Sh sh, I'm here"
She takes me into her lap and I shiver.
She wraps her arms around me.
I get rocked by her as I suck on my thumb.
There's the self soothing part of me.
I eventually stop crying but I still stay in her lap.
She pushes my hair out of my face.
We decide to get up and she helps me to get dressed.
I go for my morning smoke and I don't eat anything.
Angela visits and we all play a game of cards with some other patients.
Angela goes at 5:30.
Jane watches as I plait my hair.
I smile at her once I've finished.
She smiles back at me
I go for my evening smoke then we have dinner.
I don't eat.
"Baby you need to eat something. You're looking a bit pale"
"I- I'm fine seriously"
"You haven't eaten anything at all today."
I feel like I'll explode.
"Here have a protein bar"
"Can't you just fucking leave it?!"
I cry
"No I can't just fucking leave it because you look ill"
I go to run away but I get lightheaded
I come to on a bed
"Oh good you're awake baby"
"What- what happened?"
"You fainted honey"
She tells me as she swiftly moves the hair from out of my eyes.
I feel the air escaping through me.
"You've got eat baby"
"I- I'm not gonna eat!"
"I'm going to leave you here alone if you don't eat!"
"Fine I'll eat the stupid fucking protein bar!"
"Good"
She unwraps it for me and she hands it to me.
She stares at me whilst I eat.
It makes me feel so insecure.
I finish the bar.
"I- I feel so guilty?"
I break down and start to sob
"You have nothing to be guilty about baby"
"It's all my fault baby, I'm sorry! I should just fucking obey you I'm so sorry! Please don't hurt me! Please don't punish me"
I can tell that she's crying too.
"Baby- baby look at me."
I can't even bring myself to look at her
She cups my face and our eyes meet.
I sob as she cries.
She takes me into her arms
"I will never and I mean ever hurt you or punish you"
"Are you sure?!"
"100% baby. Why would I knowing what you've gone through?"
"I suppose you're right"
I snuggle up to her and we both fall asleep in the comfort of each other's arms