Finding Her

Resisting

He takes off my bra as i sob
"Stop resisting"
He tells me as he gropes me
I wake up out of breath.
"Janey- help"
I cry as she wakes up.
"In and out baby....deep breaths"
She helps me to breathe and then I sigh.
I eat a little of my breakfast and then we go for a walk.
She smiles as I smile as I touch the leaves on the trees.
She holds my hand as we walk.
We go back in for lunch and then I go to the bathroom.
Jane watches as per usual.
We go to nap and then we eat dinner.
I struggle to eat it all and then we go back to the padded room.
"I don't want to stay in this room anymore!"
I start to sob.
"Maura calm down"
Sandy tells me
"Let me out of this room Sandy...I want to go back to my normal room."
"Okay if you promise not to hurt yourself-"
"I won't"
"Alright then"
She lets me go back to my room and I'm so anxious.
I'm pacing back and forth.
Jane is watching.
"Baby baby....sit down"
I don't listen and I continue to tap the wall as I pace.
She stands up and I pay no attention.
"Baby...listen"
I focus on the wall.
"2..4...6...8"
I repeat.
She shuts the door and she locks it to get my attention.
"You're out of line Jane, open the door!"
"No I'm not going to do that until you talk to me"
I break down crying but I refuse to let Jane touch me.
I keep tapping the wall.
Jane watches as I cry.
"Baby let me help"
"No no, just leave me alone"
"Fine"
She turns on the tv and she sits on the bed.
I sob as I continue to tap.
I clutch my chest with one hand.
Tears appear in Jane's eyes, I can tell she wants
to comfort me.
I end up dropping to the floor and I just cry my eyes out
Jane sits down in front of me and I instinctively go in for an embrace.
She cradles me as I sob.
"Sh sh"
She comforts me by stroking my hair.
"I've got you baby. You're safe"
"I'm in so much pain Janey....and I can't make it stop"
"I'm here baby"
"I want to leave this place! I feel so trapped!"
"I understand baby but you need to fully get better"
"Don't you understand Janey! I need a routine and being here is fucking it all up."
"I want to go home! I need to go home!"
"Alright I'll talk to Sandy but if you go manic again...it's straight back here baby"
"Okay thank you"
I say as I lie down.
"You try and rest baby."
I nod
I wake up in the morning.
I yawn and to my surprise Jane is smiling
"What?"
I question
"We're going home after dinner today"
"Yes!"
I grin as I hug her.
"Sandy has agreed that you can supervise the cases and give input but you can't work fully yet."
"I can't do autopsies?"
"No because it is proven to affect your mental health baby. Seeing stuff like that is not what you need right now, remember you'll being having scheduled breaks and also mandatory therapy sessions"
"Oh okay"
I accept it because I just want out of here.
I eat my breakfast and then I go for a walk.
I talk to some other patients and then I go back to my room.
I read a book and then I put it down.
I have lunch and I stare at the clock blankly.
Then I watch Jane who's tying up her hair
"What is it honey?"
"You're so beautiful baby"
I tell her.
"Aw thank you honey. You're the best girlfriend ever"
I smile as I finish my food
"Good job baby!"
"Thanks"
I go for a nap and then it's dinner time
I eat and then I use the bathroom
Soon the time arrives
"Take good care of yourself Maura"
"I will"
I hug her and then we head off.
I'm silent for the ride home and I snuggle against Jane on the couch when we get inside.
I drink some wine as a celebration of getting released and to reduce my anxiety
We don't exchange words until Jane breaks the silence.
"Are you alright baby?"
"I'm fine"
I smile lightly before taking a sip of wine.
"You don't look fine baby."
"I'm fine okay...can you please just leave it?"
"Okay I'm sorry"
"No I'm sorry! Pease don't send me back!"
"No honey it's okay"