Finding Her

Tiring Session

I wake up and I make a dash to the bathroom after remembering what I did last night
I gag as I get the last bit up.
Jane holds my hair up as I shake violently.
"Oh honey you're okay! Deep breaths."
"I- I can't!"
"Yes you can honey. In and out!"
I practice it and then I get back into bed
"Can- can I have my session here?"
"Okay I'll give Sandy a call."
"Thanks baby."
She grabs her phone and she sits down next to me.
She puts an arm around me and I melt into her soft skin
Her tank top brushes off me.
She puts the phone onto speaker.
"Hi Sandy. Maura's been sick so she was wondering if she could have the session at home because she doesn't feel well enough to go to the hospital."
"Yeah of course, I'll be there in 15."
"Alright see you then."
Jane feeds me breakfast then she eats hers.
She gets me to take my vitamins
I hear two sets of footprints coming upstairs.
Sandy appears.
"Hi Sandy."
"Hi Maura. I'm sorry to hear that you're not feeling well."
"Thanks."
I readjust the covers to cover my chest area.
"So how've you been?"
"Um not great honestly."
"I'm sorry to hear that. Can you pinpoint what's been going on for you?"
"I- I've been having a lot of nightmares and intrusive thoughts."
She nods.
"I keep thinking every time I see a knife to just slice my wrist open or to jump in front of a truck."
"Would you ever attempt those things?"
"I- I don't know!"
I start to cry.
Jane holds me as I sob into her chest.
"He's- he's gonna punish me if I do those things Janey! He- he'll find me and he'll get me! He'll force his way into me again!"
Jane looks at Sandy as she rubs my back
"I think you should go. I don't think she's up to a session today."
"Yep definitely."
They talk outside as I talk to myself.
"He's gonna get me! He's gonna hurt me!"
I quieten down to hear what they're saying
"Keep a close eye on her tonight. She doesn't seem fully present. It's very likely that she'll harm herself so body checks are gonna be necessary for a while."
I hear Jane let out a sob and it makes me cry even
"I'm okay. Is there anything I can do to prevent her from harming herself?"
"Stay with her and stay up maybe?"
"Yes that's okay. I don't mind not sleeping, I just wanna make sure that she gets a full nights sleep"
Jane shows Sandy out.
"No! No body check!"
I screech as Jane comes back into the room
"I'm afraid I'll have to honey."
"I- I won't harm myself I promise! Just please- no body check!"
She shakes her head as a tear rolls down her face.
"No no no!"
I screech
"Baby baby you're safe! It's just me!"
"No- no! You shouldn't have to-"
"I shouldn't have to what baby?"
"You shouldn't have to look at my disgusting body!"
"Baby no no, don't talk about your body like that!"
"It's fucking true and you know it!"
She shakes her head
"I love you baby and I like your body."
"You're just telling me that to make me feel- better!"
I sob.
She kisses my face.
"I'm not baby. I love you so much and you're beautiful."
"R-really?"
"Yes honey."
I smile slightly
"Thank you."
"So will you let me do a body check?"
"Okay fine but you can't- you can't touch me where I don't want you too!"
"Yep I won't touch you without your full constant. Shall I get you to consent in writing?"
I laugh at her joke.
She helps me out of bed
"Can I take your sweatpants off baby?"
I nod as a tear rolls down my face
She takes them off and she spies the fresh marks on my thighs.
"I- I'm sorry?!"
"Honey when did you do them?"
"Last night."
She takes me into an embrace as I sob
"Sh sh it's not your fault baby."
She bandages them for me
She checks in other places then she tells Sandy.
I sob as she receives a reply
"Oh no. Make sure to show her support and let her know that you're there if she needs to talk about anything."
Is what she replied
I sob into Jane's arms for the rest of the day.
Jane watches me as I go to the bathroom and she feeds me dinner.
I finally tire myself out and I fall asleep in her arms