Finding Her

Sandy's Visit

"Sandy's coming to the house today baby?"
She tells me after I've gotten fully dressed.
"What?! Why?"
I cry panicked.
"Sh sh baby, she's coming to evaluate you and just to check that you're coping"
"I guess that's alright"
I know that I can lie if I need to.
I wait for my coffee to be finished.
I take a sip.
"I will have to inform her about your relapse baby, you know that right?"
I nearly spit it out.
"Please-I'll do anything just please- don't!"
"Sh sh baby. I need to tell her so that she knows"
"Fine"
I take another sip.
I finish it and put the cup in the dishwasher.
Jane makes me a poached egg.
I struggle to eat it.
"I- I can't!"
I sob.
"Here baby, Sh sh take a bite"
She loads it into the fork and she slowly puts it towards my mouth.
I bite my lip and she smiles.
She slowly puts it inside my mouth
"Chew baby"
I chew it and then swallow with slight difficulty
We do that until I finished the whole egg.
"I- I find it easier to eat when you feed me?"
I tell her scared of what she'll say.
"Then from now on, I can feed you baby. Only if you want?"
"Don't you think that's a bit weird?"
"Not really because I'm helping you to eat baby. Do you want me to help?"
"Y- yes please"
She smiles and cups my face
She kisses me
"Okay"
I take a breath and then I kiss her.
She smiles as she drinks from her tea.
She finished her breakfast before so she just washes the plate and puts it on the draining board since there's already a cycle on the dishwasher.
"That's Sandy"
She tells me as the doorbell rings.
I flinch.
"Hey hey it's gonna be okay"
I take a deep breath and sigh.
I nod.
She answers the door whilst I grab tissues
She steps in and her scent fills the room.
Vanilla.
She's already contaminated the house without even touching anything.
"Hi Maura"
She smiles upon seeing me
I smile back
"Hi"
I drink from my water to ease myself as she sits down.
Jane lights a lavender candle for me.
She sits down beside me
I take a breath.
"How have you been coping with your release?"
"Meh I'm a bit stressed but I can cope with it"
She nods
"Jane, how is she coping from your perspective?"
"She is doing better. She relapsed with her self harm but she is okay now"
I start to cry.
Jane moves me into her lap.
"Sh sh baby"
"I'm sorry- I shouldn't have done it!"
"Why did you do it?"
"I have had bad nights recently so I just wanted to do it"
She nods.
She asks me a couple of questions.
She finally leaves.
I disinfect the table that she had touched
Jane watches me.
I put down the disinfectant and I clean the table off.
I smile lightly at her.
She smiles back at me.
"Baby are you okay?"
She questions
"Yes I'm fine baby. Don't worry. How are you?"
"I'm good thanks"
I smile.
We cuddle.
"Do you want to go out for a bit baby?"
"No please?! No!"
I start to cry
Jane picks me up and takes me into her arms.
"Sh sh you don't have to baby."
I nod as I hug her.
We take a shower together since she doesn't trust me alone and I need one anyway.
She takes off my clothes and then she takes off hers
She looks down at my thighs.
"When baby?"
"When I relapsed"
"You didn't tell me that you did them there?"
"I- I'm sorry? It's all my fault!"
She takes me into an embrace
I put my face onto her soft chest and she holds me
She rubs my back.
I start to scream and I whack myself in the head.
She grabs my arms
"No baby please- please don't hurt yourself!"
I break down and violently sob.
I get overwhelmed and I just bawl my eyes out.
She holds me as my whole body shakes.
"I-I should've told you! I'm so sorry- please don't hit me!!"
She rocks me side to side
"Baby Sh sh I'll never hit you, you're fully safe in here"
I nod slightly because I don't fully believe her or agree.
"Are you alright to get into the shower now?"
I nod.
She helps me to get inside.
She checks the temperature to make sure that it won't burn me but that's exactly what I want it to do.
She slowly gets the shower head and rinses my hair.
She rubs the shampoo into it.
She washes it out.
She rubs conditioner into my ends
She lets it sit then she rinses it
"Maybe we should get you a haircut baby. It's getting really long"
She comments as she runs her hands through the long strands of hair
"Maybe"
I respond
She then soaps up my body.
It feels weird as she caresses my curves.
She stares into my eyes as I try not to have a flashback to Allen touching me
It's in the back of my mind and it's rushing towards me.
"Tell me if you're uncomfortable baby and if you want to do it by yourself"
"O-okay"
She rinses me off.
"Do you want to stay in the shower while I shower myself?"
I nod since I can trust myself to be alone.
She smiles.
She steps forward and does the same routine to herself.
She smiles at me.
She kisses me and I kiss her back.
We share a passionate kiss then she starts to caress my back.
I feel Allen pressing against me.
"Stop!"
I suddenly cry and rush off
"Baby I- I'm so sorry! Come back please"
I quickly grab towel and wrap it around me
She quickly follows me.
I rush out into the backyard and I regurgitate into the drain.
I sob.
Jane comes back in a robe.
"Baby oh honey"
She says once she notices that I'm vomiting.
She rubs my back slightly.
"I- I'm sorry! I- I had a flashback and I- I panicked it wasn't you!"
I say in between gags
"That's not your fault baby. I'm sorry."
She helps me back inside.
I gag and rush off to the kitchen sink.
She holds my hair up.
"Deep breaths baby"
She tells me as I finish regurgitating.
I take a couple deep breaths and then I clean my face.
I drink a cup of water.
I play with the earring in my ear as Jane takes me into the bedroom to get dressed.
"Baby I know you do that when you're anxious....talk to me?"
"Allen- he can't- get to me anymore right?"
"Yes baby, he can't hurt you anymore"
"Because he's- he's dead right?!"
"Yes baby."
I breathe a sigh of relief.
She gets me into my silk pyjamas and I love the way the feel on me.
I get into the bed and I sigh.
"Try to sleep baby"
Jane comments as she cuddles me.
I snuggle up beside her.
I yawn and eventually I fall asleep.