I lost you and I wasn't prepared. I lost you and my heart refuses to heal. I lost you and all I can do is try to remember all the happy memories we made. I need to let go. I need to let you go.
My dearest fox man. Where do I begin. I still consider myself one of the lucky ones. How many times do you get put on this earth and love someone, and to have them feel something in return? We started just as friends. Co workers. Eventually we lived together. I spent every single night for 7 months in your bed. If I slept on my own it felt weird for both of us. I miss how your hand would sit on my leg or hold my hand or rest on my arm as we slept. I have never felt such a love without words before this. I didn't realise that it meant you cared for me, until it stopped. Things were going so well. We were happy. We felt heard. We felt loved. And then we lost our baby. Our sweet little girl. I knew that miscarriages put strains on people but I thought we were different. I thought we could work it out. Slowly everything began to stop. There came a night when I no longer slept in your bed. There came a night where you no longer sat next to me just to be close to me.
As many hardships as we have faced in the last year, you will still have my heart whole heartedly. You broke your way through and set up camp and decided to never leave. I don't think you ever will. As the father of my child I don't think I could ever let you. It pains me knowing what we once were and how close we used to be and to now look at us. The last night i spent at yours, you kicked me out. You panicked because of the date you said your friend could move in. You didn't understand that I was struggling so much because I lost our baby there. I would be leaving you. Everything was changing. I'm grieving things I didn't think I could grieve.
How I wish things were different. How I wish I was moving here with you. How I wish I could hear you call my name without the resent. How I wish we could go back and start over. Maybe this time I won't fall in love with you.
