Love After You

Chapter 28

The drive back was about as unpleasant as you can imagine.

Pain and sadness clung in the air, filling the truck like smoke.

Jake's mind was reeling, his heart pounding, and his palms sweating. The drive back home seemed to take a lot longer than the drive to Wales. As though space and time itself wanted to drag this out to torment him with her presence.

He sneaked a peek at her, but she was facing away from him. Staring expressionless out of the passenger window, the sun lit up her face beautifully. It revealed every freckle and tone in her hair, which was dancing together like a flame. Red, orange, brown, and burgundy stands all rippling together in harmony.

How could he go forever without seeing her again?

The thought churned his stomach.

The idea of not texting her when he wanted to, not calling her when he needed to hear her voice, not sipping coffee at her shop on rainy mornings, and watching her walk funny the day after a hard session at the gym.

How could he go without kissing her now that he knew how she tasted? How could he forget what it felt like to hold her while she fell asleep in his arms?

Visions of Gideon by Sufjan Stevens came on through the speakers, just to torment him. The lyrics were so close to home that he audibly swore before flicking the track over.

He gripped the wheel tighter, forcing himself to look away from the women he loved. He was so in love with her that just looking at her made him tingle from head to toe. He couldn't imagine anyone else he would rather have next to him; he couldn't imagine another set of lips he wanted to kiss for the rest of his life.

But she wouldn't give him that.

No, Jake. I don't love you. I'm sorry.

The sting of her words burned still; it would probably linger in his core forever.

Yet he couldn't be angry at her.

She hadn't made any promises to him. She hadn't told him that she loved him. He suspected she had, but obviously now she has made it perfectly clear that it wasn't the case.

Eventually, he pulled up outside her house, and he took a long, deep breath, wondering what would happen next.

All she did was look at him, just for a moment. Her eyes were sad and teary. Her lips parted, with words he was certain were about the leave them, but she closed them again, forming a tight line before she opened the door and was gone.

He stared straight ahead, gripping that wheel tighter and tighter, his knuckles turning white as she got her belongings from the back of the truck.

When he closed the door, she heard a little tap on the window. He let the window down, snapping his eyes toward her.

Her eyes were firm on his now, watching him carefully before she spoke. "Thank you for coming with me and being there. And I'm so sorry." Her voice caught as tears started to run down her face. He clenched his jaw. "I'm so sorry for hurting you and for not being able to give you what you want. I wish I could, I just... I just can't let him go. I can't lose you, Jake; you're my best friend." As she watched him through the window, tears dripped from her chin to the floor below.

It would be easy to go and wrap her up in an embrace and tell her that everything was fine and that they would always be friends, no matter what.

He could live like this, in pain every day, for a while at least, but it would be bearable. He could long after her while she continued to heal from Adam. But he would eventually crack; every day it would chip away at him like it has been for so long. And he knew that if there was no future with her, he had to cut ties. For both of their sakes, he had to be the strong one.