Damage Repaired

Chapter 40

I couldn't stop replaying each moment, each second of the date we had tonight as I lied in bed alone, staring up at the ceiling in the guest room of Nathaniel's apartment. I replayed each one of his longing gazes, every heated touch on my skin that lit me on fire, the way he played the piano tonight with so much passion, and how he showed me just how intense and limitless his love for me was. I could no longer deny what I felt about that man. If tonight proved anything, it was that my heart still belonged to him, no matter how much I didn't want to admit it. The moment Carter told me how Nathaniel had to make an incredibly difficult decision four years ago, it changed everything for me. For the longest, I believed that he selfishly made all of those decisions without me, that he was only thinking about what was best for him, but maybe in some fucked up way, choosing what he did was what was best for me.

Even knowing all of this, I still wasn't willing to give him more than I already had. Regardless of it all, he was still the man that broke me, and it would take time to build back the trust we lost that night, though tonight proved to be an amazing start. It was also helpful that Nathaniel was being so patient with everything, from trying to be cordial with Ezra even though it killed him to see us together, dealing with my antics and stubbornness, and allowing me to go at my own pace with wanting to be friends and nothing more. Even though Ezra was gone and there was nothing stopping him from pursuing me, trying to make me see him as the lover he once was, he respected my decision and boundaries, going along with whatever rules I set. That was what made it easy to be around him.

No matter how hard I tried to force myself to go to sleep, I couldn't. It was like my body was suddenly getting used to being engulfed in Nathaniel's arms while I slept. Instead of fighting it, I hopped out of bed and opened the door only to run face-first into something hard.

"Where are you off to in such a hurry?" Nathaniel asked, gripping my arms before I fell.

"Why were you in front of my door?" I shot back, squinting through the darkness to see him.

He laughed softly. "Can't sleep?"

"Nope."

It was obvious we both had the same idea to sneak into each other's bed, but neither of us was going to admit it.

"Come," he murmured, followed by the sound of his footsteps retreating.

"What?" I whispered, patting the walls in the hallway trying to follow the sound of his voice in the dark. Luckily a dim light flicked on moments later, saving me from potentially tripping and falling on my face.

Nathaniel was already downstairs in front of the elevator when I made it to him, not giving me any other explanation as to where we were headed at three in the morning. He walked in once the doors slid open and pressed a button, and I followed in after.

"You know you were never discreet with your sniffing," I mumbled, feeling his body heat against my back as we rode up.

He chuckled, his breath tickling my shoulder. I had to suppress the shiver threatening to rack through my body as I felt the tip of his nose skim up my neck. "Yet you never stopped me."

"And saying something would've?" I asked, turning my head slightly to meet his gaze over my shoulder.

His lips tipped upwards into a lazy smile, not bothering to answer my question. We ended up going to the terrace, and a gasp escaped me as I walked out to the glass railings seeing the view of the beautiful city lights. Something warm draped over my shoulders, and I looked down and saw that it was a fuzzy robe Nathaniel got from god knows where.

"Thank you." I slid my arms into it and turned around to face him.

"You're welcome," he reached out and closed the robe, then tied the belt around my waist tightly. "I knew you'd enjoy the view," Nathaniel spoke softly, nodding at the sight behind me. "I come up here to clear my head sometimes when I can't sleep."

I turned back around and continued admiring the city below us. "You're up here often, then."

"I am," he went and leaned against the railing beside me, keeping his attention solely on me.

"Thank you again for tonight," I whispered, staring straight ahead, doing my best to swallow down the heavy emotions I felt. "For opening up to me in such a vulnerable but special way."

"There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you amore."

"But what if we can't reach the light?" I whispered, asking the question I'd been wondering since the second he was back in my life. "What if I can't do this again?" I slowly turned my head to look at him, gauging his reaction, watching as he positioned himself in front of me again, placing his hands on either side of the railing, caging me in. His expression remained calm and relaxed as if I didn't just drop two bombshell questions that could change the course of our relationship.

"If we couldn't, we wouldn't be standing where we are right now," he finally answered. "You need time to gain the trust back that you lost, and I'm a very patient man amore. I waited four excruciatingly long years for you to return, and now that you're back, I can wait for an eternity if that's how long it'll take you to trust me with your heart again."

"It's more than that." Tears clouded my vision as I broke eye contact and shifted my attention, looking around at everything else but him. "You're not the only one with life-altering secrets."

Nathaniel gripped my chin, giving me no choice but to look up at him again. "When you're ready, you'll tell me, and we'll get through it together."

I nodded, wanting to believe every word that came out of his mouth, but there was still a part of me that was blinded with doubt. Nathaniel was unpredictable, and that fact alone was what'd been keeping me from telling him about the miscarriage, not knowing how he'd react to the devastating news. Maybe that was how he felt about his secret as well, afraid of how I'd react, not knowing if it would bring us closer or sever everything.

"I need you to promise me something," Nathaniel mumbled.

I blinked and nodded again.

He sighed and rested his forehead against mine. "Promise you won't give up on me—on us until you know the whole story when there are no more secrets between us."

I didn't have to think about my answer. What he was asking was more than fair. "I promise."

Nathaniel's breathing changed like he could suddenly breathe easier now that I had promised him that. He turned me around so I was facing the city again, with my back pressed against his chest.

"One day at a time, amore," he whispered, hugging me from behind. I placed my hands on his arms, allowing him to hold me tight. "We'll take everything as slow as you want, but this, being in your life the way I am now, is already enough for me." He lowered his head and brushed his lips against my neck before straightening back up to tuck my head under his chin.

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A/N: I know this is a short chapter, but I wanted to give you guys at least a crumb since it's been so long. 🤭 (For those wondering, she'll finally be telling him about the miscarriage in one of the following chapters, so be prepared.) LOVE Y'ALL 💕