Forever yours

Chapter 14

Chapter 14

  Ryan

   The car ride home is silent. The news we received at the Doctor office for any other couple would have been great news. For us, it's devastating. She's pregnant. It has to be terminated or she has no chance at all. Her surgery is in two weeks, and it has to be done before then. She won't talk. She's been totally silent, since we received the news. The sadness and devastation in her eyes, breaks my heart. There's not one thing I can do to to make this better. If she refuses to do the termination, she'll most certainly die. I can't let that happen. She's my first priority. It's just as devastating for me, as it is for her, but if she goes through with everything. The doctor says she has a chance at life. The percentage is lower than he'd like it to be, and it's going to be a rough fight, but she does have a chance. The worst part is terminating this child and the treatment will most likely sterilize her, so if she does make it. We have no chance at children ever. Not biological anyway. So we receive great news that she has a chance and devastating news at the same time.
   We get home and she goes straight to our bathroom and shuts the door and locks it.
Jess is on the patio, when i get back downstairs. I sit next to her and we remain silent for awhile "I don't know what to do, to get her through this" she says as tears roll down her face. My eyes sting as tears well in mine too. "We have no choice but to get through it" I stand up and wipes my tears and head to our office I've set up to share.
  Im not one for a lot of drinking but this calls for it in my book. I pour a glass of scotch, two fingers worth. Sit out on the deck and just listen to the waves and think.

****
   Paige

    It's been two days, since I've seen the doctor. I've been writing non stop, if I'm not sleeping.
  I know Ryan is standing at the door, I can feel him. I still don't look up. I pretend he's not there. He wants to talk, I don't. It as simple as that. I feel the bed dip as he sits down, but I keep typing away.
    He kisses my shoulder, moves the laptop off my lap and replaces it with his head. I run my fingers through his hair and he closes his eyes. Relishing in my touch.
   "What are you doing?" I ask
   "I though we could have a bath together. I really just need you right now" he says
I've not showered in two days. I've just been wearing his tshirts staying in bed, so I can write. It helps take my mind off things.
  "I don't feel like it, I think I'm going to sleep. I'm tired" he sighs frustrated as he gets up "I'll get you a clean shirt and clean you up. He wipes me down with a clean cloth and puts clean panties and a clean shirt on me. Then brushes my hair.
  "Your parents are coming tomorrow. They'd like to see the house." He says
   "I really don't feel like visitors right now"
Don't people understand I want to be alone. He doesn't say anything, he just tucks me into bed, turns the light off, then climbs in next to me and pulls me close.
  "I have to leave for two days. We have a live interview in NewYork. It was set up months ago. I'll fly out there, get it done and come right back." I turn in his arms "you're leaving? Don't leave."
  He sighs and brushes the hair out of my face "Baby I have to go. I can't get out of it. I tried. I'll be back as soon as I can. Jess is here and you're parents are going to visit"  he kisses me softly and holds me tight
   "It's going to be okay" he says into my hair
Just then I feel nauseous and have to run to the bathroom. Ryan is behind me, holding my hair for me. Finally I sit down on the floor and lean against the wall. He squats in front of me. "Your head?" I shake my head "No" he just looks at me with a sadness and plops down next to me.
   "You know this is hard for me too. If I could do anything to change the outcome, I would Paige. I'm so sorry" I just start crying. How much can one person take? It's not fair. A woman gets told she has to kill the only baby that she'll ever have. What did I do to deserve this. I hold my stomach and just cry for myself, for the baby, for Ryan. He puts his hand over mine and holds me and just lets me cry.

****
  
Ryan
 
    It's early and I've finally arrived home from New York. It's been two days away from Paige. I've called and texted, with no replies from her. Jess said she's gotten worse, she's not even writing now. So a husband has to do what he has to.. pissing her off to pull her out of the rabbit hole she's falling down. This is going to hurt me worse than it does her.
 
   Walking up to the door of our new estate, I pause and scrub a hand down my face with a long sigh. I'm tired, it's been a long two days and even longer week. I'm trying to keep my emotions in check for her. Everything I do is for her, but it's becoming harder than I thought. "Fuck"
  
  When I walk in, her mom Doria looks to be in the kitchen preparing breakfast. While her father is at the table with coffee, reading the paper. Jess immediately runs up to me, wrapping her arms around my middle. I hold her close with one arm, my luggage in the other. "Where is she?" I ask
   "She's still in bed, she won't get up. She's not even eating, I'm so worried" Jess cries
  Her mother looks up wiping her hands on a towel. "I've prepared a protein shake for her to take with her pills, that's she's now refusing to take. If this keeps up Ryan, she'll have to be admitted. It's your decision as her husband, but we can't let her waste away. My little girl is dying physically and mentally" she cries while Tom rushes to her side. Holding Jess at my side, I look at each of them. "I have an idea, but I need you all out of here for awhile."
  "What are you going to do?" Jess looks up at me "I'm going to piss her off and it's going to get ugly. You guys don't need to be here to see it. She wants to hide in the darkness and I'm going to pull her out" I move to grab the protein shake and her meds and head upstairs to our room. When I open the door she's curled up on the bed with the blankets up to her neck. Her hair looks greasy from not being washed. I've never seen her look so bad. I set the drink and meds on the nightstand and sit in the bed next to her, she doesn't even look at me, just straight ahead in a blank stare. Jesus, she's worse than I thought.. it's gonna take a lot to get her back. At this point if I can't pull her back, she won't survive. I run the back of my hand down her face. "I'm home, love" I lean down to kiss her forehead and start running my hand through her hair "I've missed you. Did you watch my interview?" Nothing, she still doesn't look at me. "Let's sit you up, baby. I need you to drink this, with your meds." I help her into a seating position and move the pills to her mouth, she won't open her mouth, but takes out an ultrasound picture of the baby from underneath the blanket. Jesus, this is why she won't take the meds, scared they're going to hurt the baby. The baby that will never be, because if she doesn't take the meds they'll both die. I take it from her hands and look at it "is this why you won't take any meds? You know if you don't eat that hurts it to." She goes to grab it from me but I hold it back. "This" I hold it up "means nothing" and I rip the picture "No!" She screams and launches at me, but I'm faster so I move to a standing position. I still have the ripped picture in my hand. "If this is what you want, come get it" I say cocky "Give it back!" She screams as she lunges at me again, but I move out of the way "Drink the shake and take the pills, Paige." I say bored as if I'm tired of this spectacle. I'm just trying to keep pissing her off. I need her pissed so she'll keep up the emotions and get them all out. Anger is better than nothing. She wasn't even sad anymore. She had just given up. "I hate you!" She yells as she starts pounding on my chest, kicking, and screaming. "I don't wanna kill my baby! I don't want cancer! I don't wanna die!" She keeps pounding on me, her chest heaving. I just stand there until she's exhausted and stops, then wrap my arms around her as she cries. "I can't do it, I can't kill it." She cries into my chest "Shhhh.. it's gonna be okay, baby" I say smoothing my hand down her hair. I pick her up, take her to the bathroom, and start undressing her. Turn the shower on, undress myself and begin to wash her.