blue valentine

these nights

I am wondering if these nights that keeps me on thinking about you are signs waiting to be seen or a phase that I should let it sink. You are the fleeting thought of my late night reflections, the ghost of my 20-year old rush of endorphins that went straight to my brain, and you know how desperate I am to trade every cards and aces to sit somewhere with you.
I am seeing myself with you in some other nights: the mundane dates, the typical grocery dash, every crossing pedestrian lanes, and every little detail of a fictional universe of us – founded by hopes and whims for its realization.
But the thought of you comes with great consequences. Every butterflies in my stomach withers into poisonous substances. My unknown, one-sided desire kills me in everytime I think of you and it kills me more knowing the uncertainty of seeing my name in that tiny flesh behind that bony trap is greater than every favored outcomes of mine.

If we will try to talk again, I will try to grab you and wrapped myself around your barbwires. We will try to do the things we have once promised to each other but never happened. I know that you know my desperation to be with you. You know how I hate to turn every moment into a memory. You know that this is not a phase that the both of us going through. Let me keep you – my fleeting thought, my late night hallucinations.