LITG Oneshots

regrets - Rohan/Undiscosed (Teen)

"... And the winners of Love Island 2018 are... Leanne and Jake!!"

I clap and cheer along with the rest of the crowd. I try to be happy for you – I really do. But I can't help it that my heart is shattering into a million pieces. I can't help it that the tears streaming down my face right now are those of regret and sadness rather than tears of joy like the ones on the faces of those around me.

I can't help it that I'm in love with you... and I regret that I never told you.

If I had, maybe it would be me standing up there by your side. £50k richer, but even more importantly, rich in the knowledge that we overcame everything – the odds, the doubters, the fear of putting ourselves out there – to be together.

I don't know if you love me back. I might have missed my opportunity to find out. But I have a feeling... a feeling that there was always something there between us. A feeling that if I had only spoken up, something beautiful could have blossomed from it.

But now, I have nothing left to do but wither away and watch you find your happiness with someone else. To do my best to move on. To reminisce and try to figure out where things went wrong.

We never coupled up, but from the moment I stepped into the villa – and even before then – I had my eye on you. I came in confident that I could win you over, but once I was in your presence, I lost my nerve. Lost a piece of myself that I'll never get back.

The next day, during a challenge, we kissed. You may not have felt it, but I did. That all-important spark. I can still remember how your lips tasted – the spearmint of your toothpaste. Spearmint is my new favourite flavour. Your scent was intoxicating, and the way your hand rested on my chest, burned my skin, and ignited a fire in my belly. What I wouldn't give to experience that all over again.

One of my favourite memories is teaching you how to do handstands. Both of you, really. The three of us hanging out in the bedroom, not a care in the world. And then that night, you coupled up together – not sparing a glance for me.

Watching you during the Pied Off challenge was... hard. Seeing that whipped cream all over your face and dripping onto your chest – I wanted to lick it off your body so badly. I spent the whole challenge hoping nobody would look over at me and see the way my shorts were too tight as I daydreamed about tasting the salt of your skin mixed with the sweetness of the cream... About placing my hands on your hips and drawing you closer, kissing my way up your neck.

I should have said something then. Should have done what I've only been able to dream about doing since that day.

And then there was a recoupling, and the two of you broke up. I'm not sure why; I'm not even sure you know why. If I was ever going to make a move, that would have been the time. I still don't know what stopped me.

It's a little scary, putting yourself out there. I'm an entertainer; the circus is my passion. Put me in front of a crowd in leotards and let me show you my moves, but in matters of the heart? I'm too delicate. Too afraid. Too shy.

The rap crew, though, that was fun. Hanging out, spinning rhymes, ignoring the drama going on around us. We were a team. I felt so close to you. Listening to you stumble on your words, watching the blush form on your cheeks. Laughing with you. I love your laugh. I would give my soul for the opportunity to hear it day in and day out for the rest of my life. The rest of our lives.

After the dunking challenge, I watched you give each other massages. I so wished that it was my hands on your skin. And yours on mine. Watching you laugh together and share an intimate moment, feeling like I was intruding on something. I knew then that you would get back together. And still, I didn't do anything about it.

I'm a coward.

Everyone was surprised at the final recoupling, except for me. I knew. And I might've had the power to stop it. If only I had thought to make my own last-minute confession of love. If only I had mustered up the courage to say what I really felt.

Instead, I was left to couple up with Lucy. Between her, and watching the two of you all loved up, I was miserable. It was a mercy when you let me get dumped before the final. Although, I wonder that neither of you fought to save me – me, one of your best friends in the villa.

Maybe you knew all along. Maybe you couldn't bear to see me in pain.

Or maybe you waited for me to say something, and when I didn't, you gave your heart to another instead.

You could have said something too.

And now, here you are. Standing in front of me with a flute of champagne in your hand, waiting for me to congratulate you on your big win.

Well, I can't. I can't do this anymore without saying something.

I move close so I can be heard over the talking, laughing, and cheering going on around us.

"Can we talk?"

You gaze at me curiously before nodding your head and directing me over to a quiet corner – as quiet a corner as we can find, at least.

"What is it, Rohan?"

"Jake... I'm in love with you."

You suck in a breath, and a range of emotions pass over your face. Surprise. A brief flicker of happiness. And then sadness, and even worse... pity.

"I'm sorry... I love Leanne."

But while you're saying one thing with your mouth, your eyes tell a different story.

One of regret.