Fall Out Boy Preferences

Rant

I'm ranting whether y'all are reading it or not.

I have depression, I'm more than fucking willing to admit it because I don't like being sad, not one bit. I cry and cry and cry then feel a shred of happiness before it's ripped from my fingertips, causing me to cry again. I've been depressed for a while now, it started back in eighth grade when my family started going to shit, or when I started noticing it was going to shit.

My step-heathan (step dad) was once a man I admired greatly, because he was a giant joke machine. I swear to God, from the time I was like five to twelve, this man was the Holy fucking Grail. I loved him to death.

Then I realized what a drunk asshole he was.

He drank all the time and it made him a verbally abusive cocksucker. When I was like twelve he got help and stopped drinking fully, which made me happy because he would go back to his old self, right?

Wrong.

Things were okay after he got over the moody stage of the deprivement of his precious fucking alcohol. Everyone was calmer, things were easier, we were pretty good.

Then, once again, he had to fuck things up.

He became an EVEN BIGGER ASSHOLE, I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE BUT HE DID IT. Whenever my sister and I gave him attitude (which wasn't our fault since were becoming teens and he was a dick) he would LECTURE US. Legit, he would sit us dosn and somehow find a way to stretch "don't give me attitude" into a two hour lecture just to add meaning to his pathectic life. I used to argue and yell and degend my sister and I, but lately, I think he's broken my spirit.

My mom hasn't helped much. She's tried to take our side most of the time, but he just keeps doing it. Whenever they get into a big fight, she talks big shit about leaving him and taking us away while he's not there, but she never does it, and she never will. Because she's a fucking cowardly loudmouth. It may seem like I'm being really mean since she's my mother, but trust me, she is a big reason that I want to kill myself sometimes.

Ok, so yesterday, my parents had just made up from like a two day fight, but I wasn't going to forgive that easily. I'll admit, I did have an attitude when this happened:

I was scolding my sister because she was annoying af and didn't know how to do shit, so I took a knife (calm down guys) to cut a piece of chicken from the store bought ones our mom got us before she went back to work. Dickbreath (step dad) comes in and starts scolding me for scolding her. I turned around and said that I was annoyed and it wouldn't happen again, but he didn't stop there. I turned back around and he got mad because I had turned TO GIVE MY SISTER FOOD INSTEAD OF LISTENING TO HIS PATHETIC VOICE.
Anyways, after he stomped away I turned and cut a piece of the chicken.

What my sister did broke my fucking heart.

She took the risk of wrapping her arms around me (which she knows I fucking hate because I hate hugs unless I initiate them) and leaned her head on my shoulder.

I cried (which I hate doing in front of people, especially her because I try to be strong all the time for her). After a second, she let go and I wiped my tears and gave her her food.

The next day was worse.

After school, I came home and started making myself a cup of chocolate milk before I did my chores. J was minding my own business when dickface decides to come in and make me talk abojt my feelings.

Like, no thank you. Go fuck yourself with a ruler.

I say CALMLY "I don't want to talk about it." TWICE and he said you're never happy anymore.

NO SHIT SHERLOCK THANKS FOR FINALLY NOTICING.

I said "it's hard to pretend t k be happy when I'm not." You know what he said?"

"Well you need to try."

FUCK YOU YOU COCKSUCKING MOTHER FUCKING PATHETIC DICKFACED CUNT ASS SON OF A GODDAMN BITCH.

(Pardon my language but it really pissed me off)

Later that day I went to my older sister's house and vented my problems to her because I don't feel like I can do that to my mom since she doesn't wanna understand. My sister gave me some good advice, which I would have used, if this didn't happen. My mom came home screaming later that day about my attitude and shit, then literally ten seconds later got all up in my face and started crying.

You're the one screaming at me and YOU'RE CRYING?

She apologized for not listening to me and for all the crap she put us through with him. She said this was the last time, but I knew better. Even though I was mad at her, seeing your own mother cry makes you cry no doubt. I cried and told her I am depressed and she said she'd take me to the doctor and take us all to family therapy, but trust me, it's not happening.

Then she had the nerve to try to blame my older sister for putting things into my head because I said "I'm a teenager" which apparently had been said to her by my older sister. I got really defensive because I know she's only trying to turn it around to save herself.

She's a bitch.

I love my mom, I do. But honestly at this point, I'd rather kill myself than live with her. I hate assfucker (again, step dad) and I just want him gone. I feel like if things don't change, I wontwmake it through the summer alive because my suicidal thoughts are fetting really bad. Like yesterday, I looked at the label of a bottle of rubbing alcohol and thought about drinking it. I've aslo held ten sleeping pills in my hand before, but I didn't swallow them.

If I don't get some help, I feel like I'm going to break. You can only push someone so far, before they break. (-Stephen King, Carrie)

That's why I declined my mother's offer at a ride home today. I told her I was going to walk because I like to (which is true because it's the only time I'm really at peace) when really, I'm going to try to muster up the courage to call a suicide hotline so I can talk to them without anyone hearing.

Thanks for reading this, if you did, wish me luck guys, I want to live. I want to graduate and go to college and become and author and get married and have kids and live my life, but I can't if I keep having these thoughts.

Stay hopeful.