Hockey Towns Favorite Girl

40| Numb.

P.O.V Hazel 

I tied my skates so hard they almost hurt. But it was hard to see the laces through my tears. 

I'd spent the last half of the day trying not to cry. I finished lunch in the art room and sat in the back of every class, not even paying attention. 

Instead I looked at the back of Zachs head, biting the inside of my cheek and cursing myself.

God how could I even be upset, I knew this was coming.

It was entirely my fault, he had every right to be upset. 

Part of me wished he would have asked why, but I knew I didn't deserve to give him an explanation.

It was a hell of my own making.

I walked out of the locker room, there were no coaches on the ice, no one really in the building. Dave was in his office, he let me in. He asked what was wrong and I told him to just leave me alone.

God how could I be so upset by my own consequences?

I let out a rugged sobbed as I skated slowly around the ice, letting one foot cross over the other. 

No stick, no puck. 

It was a form of punishment.

Old coaches of mine used to do this all the time. 

You play bad, you do bad. You don't deserve to get a real practice.

You skate, and you skate. And you keep skating till either your lungs or your legs give out. Whichever one came first. 

I started to skate faster, the tears falling equally as fast. 

I leaned my chest forward like the speed skaters taught me when I was little and put myself into my fastest gear.

I was skating so fast that everything around me was a blur. 

I stopped harshly and began doing suicides. 

It didn't hurt enough.

It didn't make me feel weak.

I had to make my body hurt just as bad as my heart did. 

Another sob came out of my lip as I continued to skate the perimeter of the ice at full speed. 

I did this to myself.

I know I did.

Why didn't I just tell the truth earlier?

Why did I not fix it sooner?

WHY?

Because Zach made me happy. 

Even without hockey. 

And I was worried about losing that, just like I’d lost everything else.

The joys of having a dad.

My dog.

My childhood.

My freedom.

Hockey. 

I wanted to be me, Zach let me be me. 

Me away from hockey.

Away from the interviews, cameras, the recruiters. 

But I lost him in the process. 

And I knew it was coming, but I just wanted to hold on. Onto the idea that maybe I could have it both. 

Zach and hockey.