The Heart of Life

CHAPTER 4: "Broken Man"

CHAPTER 4: "Broken Man"

A tear silently slipped down Liz's face, when she heard her name escaped his lips; she placed a gentle hand on his cheek and lovingly kissed his forehead. "I'm here Ray, and I am never gonna leave you...do you hear me?" she sniffled a bit and ran her thumb over his cheek; "I am never going to leave you again..." she placed another loving kiss to his forehead before leaving him to rest, she needed to know what happened. The FBI can't tell her much, so she hoped Dembe could shed some light in her blackened situation.

She silently exited the room and went back to the sitting area of the jet, where Dembe was reading. He looked up from the book and gave her a small smile; "how is he?" he queried her, she sighed and took her place beside him, "he's sleeping at the moment...with REDdy-bear..." she gave a small smile which Dembe gladly returned. She willed herself to be strong enough and asked him; "he seemed to lose some of his weight, is he okay?" Dembe looked at her with sad soulful eyes; worry and care etched in them so clearly. She tried to be stronger than she is and took his hand in hers; "Dembe please... tell me... tell me what had happened for the past two weeks."

Dembe bit his lower lip and sighed deeply and then he started the tale... "He took it hard, Liz..." he started a lump already building in his throat; he squeezed her hand to make sure she understands; "Raymond loves you very much...and he took it...hard." Tears began to form in her eyes as Dembe recalled what had happened as if it was only yesterday...

FLASHBACK:

After he hung up the phone on Liz, he reclined and closed his eyes; a lone tear escaped his eye and made a trail down his face. "Never again..."  he willed himself "never again, will I fall in love, and fall out of love...". That night he drank himself to sleep numbing the pain that she has left with him. His dreams we plagued with her, plagued with the times when they were happy, plagued the times when he had thought that she had loved him. He willed himself to not wake up and just live in those moments forever. Live in her arms, and be comforted by her love, all blanketed in her presence.

But of course, nothing lasts forever, the ray of light pierced through his eyes, and woke him up, the first day without her in his life. He tried his best to get up, and work through the rest of the day, but his body seemed to know better. Immediately as he closed his eyes, he was filled with visions of his dreams, and he realized that maybe he wasn't really meant to be happy. Every single time he had thought to find happiness, it gets ripped away from him, and he was back into the darkness which was the only constant in his life. Another lone tear went down from his face, but he knew he couldn't stay like this; after all it was all a lie. It was all a dream; this was the truth, the painful truth, that he Raymond Reddington didn't deserve love and happiness.

Night after night he would drink himself to the oblivion where pain was unknown for a couple of hours. He tried to neglect himself, drinking himself half to death, and forgetting to eat. He went on from day to day with a certain routine; to wake, to drink,  and fall into the oblivion where his drunken hallucinations provided him of little happy moments that were forged from the past; the life with Lizzie that seemed so far away now.

END OF FLASHBACK:

Dembe shook his head, as he tried to continue; he looked at Liz with sadness in his eyes, "he really loved you... you know?" he sighed before he continued "there wasn't a night where I wouldn't hear him cry and call out for you..." Lizzie tried to keep her tears at bay but like a river they flow continuously.

FLASHBACK:

"Raymond, you should eat something rather than drink yourself to death..." Dembe said bringin in a tray of food inside his quarters. "I'm not hungry..." came the flat reply of the man that was sitting in front of the fire place, wallowing in sorrow. "You have been telling me that for days, when was the last time did you even touched your food huh?" the tall man asked his employer, friend and brother as he set down the tray. "Why can't you just leave me alone?" he asked dryly. Dembe had enough of this already and took the matters into his own hands; he moved towards the older man and grabbed the bottle of Scotch "HEY!" he protested, Dembe threw the bottle into the fire creating gigantic balls of amber flames. "WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!" Red asked him, with a tone in his voice; "it's for your own good..." "MY OWN GOOD?! HOW CAN YOU SAY WHAT'S FOR MY OWN GOOD?!" he asked pushing the younger man by the chest, clearly initiating a fight. "Raymond, I will not take anymore of this; think of yourself, think of Elizabeth..." the name came like a dagger to his heart. Everything happened so quickly and before he knew, Raymond's fist had connected with his jaw; "Don't you dare get her into this!" Dembe quickly recovered from the blow and stood upright; "I am not bringing her into this, you are the only matter here. She would not want you to do this..." Red pushed at his chest once more "Don't you see?!" he yelled; just then Mr. Kaplan entered the room; "what is going on here?" she asked "Raymond! What are you doing?" Red just looked at her but continued to rage "Don't you see?! She doesn't care about me! She doesn't love me! I have been NOTHING to her!" he shouted tears falling freely from his face; "I thought I had found love again... I thought I had found my second chance..." he threw a bottle of Scotch into the wall shattering it into pieces; "Raymond, you need to calm down..." Mr. Kaplan said, but Red just shook his head vehemently; "I... I loved her..." he said breaking down and falling to his knees. Mr. Kaplan was there to catch him, and she gathered her into her arms soothing him; telling him that everything will be alright, and that indeed, Elizabeth Keen loved him. Red refused to believe that she did and shook his head; "no...no...no one does... how ... how could somebody love a monster like me?"

END OF FLASHBACK

Lizzie felt her heart clenching inside her chest, this was all her fault; but she knew she had to ask. "Ray seemed to... be fond... of REDdy...how...how did this happen?" she asked Dembe. He sighed and smiled a bit, "One night I found him crying holding onto the bear, I asked him if he was alright, and as per usual he was drunk out of his head..." he smirked a bit remembering that fateful night; "He was lying in the middle of the bed... he even tried to hide his wracking sobs, but his sniffling betrayed him; I went to him and placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it...to comfort him..." he looked into her direction before continuing the story; "I told him to get up... get some food inside his stomach, instead of listening to me he curled up into a ball in almost a foetal position and shook his head vehemently...I sighed and let him; that was the beginning of the "bear-thing..." ..." he tried to smile to ease her pain; " I thought it was only for that night, but instead from that day forth he'd carry that bear around him with; he'd stare at it, and hugged it tightly to his chest... he never really told me the reason why, but I knew that... that's the only thing that's keeping him at bay... I think it's something that reminds him of you... at least to remind himself, that he was once happy... I think he kept it as a keep-sake if you will..." he smiled.

Liz could only nod at the story; but she still had one question; "that day he was abducted, were you at a hospital?" she asked, her voice pained at the thought that maybe he was. Dembe could only nod, she looked at him with big eyes filled with confusion, pain and sadness, and he made a bold move and held her hand before retelling the tale; "He... he was hospitalized... but I never got around to telling you.. he... he didn't want me to tell you ... he told me not to ... bother you." Tears started to prickle from the corner of her eyes; "why?" she had asked, her voice sounding so broken; "was he ill? What happened to him?" she asked and she couldn't keep her emotions pouring from her voice; he squeezed her hand as a sign of comfort, telling her that it was all going to be fine. "He...I... I took him to the hospital to get his stomach pumped. He had blood poisoning from too much alcohol intake... he had alcohol poisoning." The lone tear finally slipped from her eye; "God, Dembe... I don't know what to say when he woke up... I ... I don't know if I could even face him..." Liz let go of his hand and pulled her knees up to her chest and started sobbing quietly; "I did this to him..." she whispered silently. Dembe placed a hand on her back and soothed her crying; "please do not blame yourself, Liz... Raymond would not like that..." He placed an arm around her shoulder and hugged her tight letting her rest her wary head on his chest.