The Way It Was - Abridged (Complete)

27

Then

NAPANGITI ako nang makita ko si Roarke sa kama ko pagkauwi ko mula sa ospital. It was such a long dreadful day. I was miserable the whole time–or it felt like it. Parang ayokong bumalik sa susunod na araw pero wala akong choice.

Pero hindi na mahalaga iyon. Ang mahalaga ay narito si Roarke. He would have a two-week break from touring. He would still be busy and so was I, but he would be closer. We'd still spend time together.

Nilapitan ko ang kama at maingat kong hinagkan ang kanyang pisngi. Sa sobrang himbing ng tulog niya ay hindi man lang siya gumalaw. Lumuhod ako sa gilid ng kama at pinagmasdan ang kanyang mukha. He was so beautiful. He also looked tired and he badly needed a shave, but he was still beautiful.

Gusto ko sanang manatili roon at pagmasdan lang siya pero pinilit ko ang sarili ko na tumayo at lumabas ng silid. I wanted him to have a nice sleep. He needed rest.

I went out to get some food. Medyo nagligpit na rin ako. Habang hinihintay ko na magising si Roarke ay binuksan ko ang laptop ko. I opened my email. Napabuntong-hininga ako nang makita na marami akong unread mails. Hindi iyon mula sa mga kaibigan, kapamilya, kaklase o kahit na teacher o preceptor. Galing ang mga mensahe sa mga taong hindi ko kilala. Mga tao na hindi rin ako kilala talaga.

They were Roarke's fans who hated me. I would imagine most of these people were women who wanted my man. I didn't know how they got my email address and social media. Isang araw ay basta na lang napuno ang Inbox ko ng mga mensahe. They would also leave ugly comments on my posts and photos posted online.

I would love to ditch that email address but it was the email address I used for school. It was the email address that my friends and family were familiar with.

I had already learned my lessons. I shouldn't open and read any of them. I knew what I should do. Delete them all without opening. Sa subject line pa lang ay alam ko na kung ano ang laman ng mga iyon. Hate.

I was ugly. I was fat. I was not worthy of Roarke. I was just a fucking girlfriend. I should just die. Roarke was going to leave me sooner or later.

Ilan lang iyon sa mga mensahe na ipinadala. Mga tame pa na maituturing talaga. The cruel ones were really brutal and just evil. There were also edited pictures of me circulating on the Internet. Some were not edited, natiyempuhan lang na nakunan ako sa unflattering angle.

Those pictures made me so conscious. I was always worried now when I was out in public with Roarke. Kahit na nga kapag ako lang, parang natatakot akong lumabas nang hindi gaanong ayos. I wasn't eating because I was so terrified of people calling me fat.

Hindi lang mga unflattering picture ko ang kumakalat sa mga forum, maging ang mga larawan ni Roarke kasama ang ibang mga babae. Madalas na napapaligiran siya ng mga babae. He would look so inebriated in those photos and I felt like women took advantage.

Napatitig ako sa messages. I should delete them all. I knew better. Hindi ko naman malaman kung bakit parang gusto kong pahirapan ang sarili ko for some reason. Na para bang hindi pa sapat ang lahat ng pagdurusa ko.

I opened one and I immediately regretted it. Parang tumigil sa pagtibok ang puso ko. Natigil ako sa paghinga. I knew what was on it would be bad, but I wasn't prepared for what appeared on my screen. There was a picture attached. It was Roarke with a woman in a compromising position.

Ilang sandali na napatitig lang ako sa larawan. My heart hurt like hell. Maiiyak na sana ako pero napagmasdan ko na nang husto ang mukha ni Roarke sa larawan na iyon. Pinigilan ko muna ang outburst ko at mas pinakatitigan ko ang larawan. I didn't think it was edited, the picture was real. But I looked at Roarke's face.