The Way It Was - Abridged (Complete)

34

Now

HINDI namin inaksaya ang natitirang panahon namin na magkasama. Halos hindi kami mapaghiwalay. We even went out of town to see the beach. Kaming dalawa lang, hindi na sumama sina Bobby at Lolo Hank. Para raw mapag-isa talaga kami.

Hindi ko gustong bilangin ang araw at oras. Hindi ko gustong pakaisipin ang mga mangyayari. Pero kahit na paano ko iwasan, dumating pa rin ang araw na kinailangan na niyang umalis.

I told myself I would not cry. The separation was just temporary.

Pero pigil-pigil ko pa rin ang mga luha ko habang pinapanood ko ang paglalagay ng ilang tao ng bags sa isang van. Nagpasya ako na hindi na ako sasama hanggang sa airport. I just knew I'd fall apart.

Naramdaman ko ang mga braso ni Roarke na yumakap sa akin mula sa likuran. Kamuntikan na akong mapabulalas ng iyak.

"Fuck, I don't wanna leave," bulong niya habang nakabaon ang mukha sa buhok ko.

Banayad kong tinapik-tapik ang braso niyang nakayap sa akin. "I know, honey. I know." Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya at isinuot sa kanya ang singsing niya. Ilang sandali na pinagmasdan ko ang kamay niyang suot uli ang singsing. "You're mine," sabi ko.

"I'm yours," tugon niya. "I'll be back."

"You'll be back."

He kissed me long and hard and told me he loved me before he got in the van. Pinanood ko ang pag-alis ng van at saka ko hinayaan ang sarili kong umiyak.

*

I MISSED Roarke. So very much.

I missed him like crazy.

Wala akong ibang maisip o maramdaman. I couldn't focus on anything. Umiikot pa rin naman ang mundo at may mga kailangan akong gawin. May mga responsibilidad.

Pero talagang hindi ko maibigay ang focus o enthusiasm ko sa mga bagay na kailangan kong gawin. I was so busy missing Roarke.

He would call or send messages but those were short. He was very busy at naintindihan ko naman.

Para akong nagbalik sa dati sa totoo lang. I had been following Roarke on their social media. He immediately went back to touring. Fans were delighted the band got through a difficult time and they were back on the stage. The fans were happy to see Storm back on the guitar and Roarke looked good.

He did look great. He was back to his pristine and perfectly styled image. His voice also sounded so wonderful. Nakatulong nang malaki ang break niya. He had been putting on good shows. The crowd was bigger and louder.

I had been watching video clips from fan cams and I'd miss him more. I always wished I was there with him and it hurt to know I couldn't be with him.

"Ginusto mo 'yan."

Mula sa phone kung saan ko paulit-ulit na pinapanood ang isang video na kapo-post lang sa TikTok ng The Sleepwalkers ay tumingin ako kay Lolo Hank. It was a video of the band backstage. Roarke was warming up his voice. Magkasama kami ni Lolo sa sala. Tahimik siyang nagbabasa habang nakahilata ako sa sofa. Paminsan-minsan ay napapatingin kaming dalawa sa piano na para bang bigla na lang lilitaw roon si Roarke.

Itinabi ko ang phone ko nang may mapansin ako kay Lolo Hank. He looked grumpy. He also sounded pissed.

"What's wrong?" tanong ko. Ilang araw ko na ring napapansin na medyo wala siya sa mood. Parang madali siyang mainis. May pakiramdam ako na dahil iyon sa pag-alis ni Roarke. Napalapit na sila sa isa't isa. He missed him.

"What's wrong?" gagad niya, nasa tinig niya ang labis na inis.

"Yes, what's wrong?" Napakadalang niyang mawala sa mood. He was always chill. "You're the one who always says don't go to bed angry."

"Hindi ko mapaniwalaan na nandito ka pa rin. That's what's wrong."

Sandali akong natigilan. "I don't understand."

"I also don't understand what you're still doing here. You're supposed to be with your husband right now."

Ilang sandali na hindi ako nakapagsalita. Hindi ko mapaniwalaan ang narinig ko mula sa kanya. "You expected me to leave with Roarke?"

"I expected you to be with your husband, the man that you love. You're unhappy because you're here. Nandito ka dahil naniniwala kang kailangan kita. Hindi kita kailangan."

"Lolo!"

"Roarke didn't even try to take you with him. Because you told him you love your life here. You told him this place healed you. Ang lugar na ito ang bumuo sa 'yo. Alam niya na hindi mo 'ko gustong iwan. Pero gusto kong iwan mo 'ko!"

"Pinapalayas mo 'ko?" Namuo ang luha sa mga mata ko.

"Hindi kita pinapalayas, Yani. Roarke is willing to change his whole life, his whole world to be with you. He's willing to stay here and start a new life, but you know he doesn't belong here. Just as you don't belong here anymore."

"How can I not belong here? I belong here." Pinahid ko ang luha na nalaglag mula sa mata ko. Maquiling was the place I went to when I was too broken and afraid to start a new life. Ang lugar na ito ang kumalinga sa akin. At ang taong nagbigay sa akin ng purpose ay ayaw na akong manatili roon.

"You can basically write anywhere. I have told you before na dapat na mas pagtuunan mo ng pansin ang pagsusulat dahil doon ka mas masaya. The clinic doesn't need you. Pippo can handle everything. You did a good job finding the right people, but you have to really focus on yourself now. You can leave, Yani."

"I can't. Sino ang kasama n'yo rito?"

"I can take care of myself."

"You're old."

"I can still take care of myself."

"No, you need someone to be here with you. I can't leave you."

"Ginagamit mo lang akong dahilan para hindi umalis dahil ang totoo ay natatakot kang umalis sa lugar na ito. Natatakot kang balikan ang mundo ni Roarke. Natatakot ka na baka hindi matibay ang pagkakabuo mo sa sarili mo at bumigay ka uli. Yani, apo, you've done a stellar job building yourself, loving yourself. You're tougher than you thought you are. You would know how to deal when things get hard. You'd never be that person again. You're gonna be fine. You'll see the world. You're gonna have so much fun with your husband. It'll be an adventure. You'll be able to really get to know each other.

"And I'll be fine. Gaya ng sabi mo, matanda na ako. I've lived. Bata ka pa. There's a world out there to explore. You needed to be here to mend what was broken and to heal all the hurt. You can't stay here and be miserable now. You have to live your life to the fullest. You have to love with all your heart, with no limitations. You and Roarke have been given another chance. That doesn't happen often. You have this chance to really be together, to love each other as hard as you can.

"I need you to be happy, apo. I love you so much and I just want the best for you. Naiinis ako na hinayaan mo siyang umalis at hindi ka sumama. Naiinis ako na ako ang dahilan ng pananatili mo rito. If you really love me, makikinig ka sa akin, okay? I need you to go. You don't belong here anymore."

Hindi ko makontrol ang mga luha ko. "Can we come back?"

"Any time."

--

From the Author: The last part will be posted next week. 

There is also a new eBook for your reading pleasure. In case you are interested, it's called Some Kind of Love. Digital edition is available in Kobo, Scribd, Payhip, Ko-fi and Smashwords. 

xo