Chasing the Stars {Jamie Benn}

Twelve

"I can't stay here much longer," I told Jamie as we lounged around on my parent's couch.

"Why?" he questioned, turning his head to look at me.

"My parents are driving me fucking crazy," I replied with a laugh. "I've barely unpacked anything, and all my luggage is still in my car. I haven't really had time to be upset."

"What do you mean?" he asked, his eyebrows pulling in.

"I was so shocked after it all happened, I haven't really cried other than that night. And now, with my parents up my ass 24/7, I haven't had time to be upset," I explained with a sigh. I ran my fingers through my hair and closed my eyes.

Now, with Jamie here, things were really starting to set in. I was alone. I'd spend the last few years with someone by my side, and now I was alone just like that. My fingers mindlessly went to mess with my ring, but that was gone too.

"So this is what you meant," I said suddenly.

"What?" he asked, another confused look coming onto his face.

"The night you came home from your concussion. You said my ring didn't mean shit, and something about loyalty," I reminded him, flashing my bare left ring finger. He heaved a sigh and turned to face me again after a few moments of silence.

"I wasn't trying to start anything," he explained. "I was fucked up."

Why in the hell was he still trying to apologize? This wasn't his mistake. Sure, he kept it from me, but I understood his reasons why. It was over, no use trying to keep apologizing.

"Jamie," I trailed off, but he kept talking.

"I wanted you to find out on your own. I didn't want to ruin your relationship," he said, looking at me with pained eyes.

"Jamie, stop. It's done. It's over. I don't want to hear anymore. I forgive you, I did the moment you got here. Just please, for the love of god, stop!" I demanded, my voice rising as I spoke. I realized my hands were shaking, and a tear slid down my cheek.

"How can I make this up to you?"

"You can't make this up to me. It wasn't your fault."

"I still feel-"

I stood up from the couch. This was ridiculous.

"Jamie! I wasn't fucking good enough for him! I wasn't good enough!"

"Eleanor, stop it."

"No! Obviously I wasn't good enough, because if I was, I wouldn't have gotten cheated on with ten other fucking women," I yelled, pacing the room. The tears were flowing freely, and my walls came tumbling down.

"Come here," Jamie said quietly. I melted down onto the couch and into Jamie's arms. "Shhhhhhh," he whispered. "You're okay, Elle, you're alright. It's all gonna be okay."

••••••••••••

Cheating really, really messes with the other person's head. The same questions raced each other around my brain.

Why did he feel the need to cheat? Why wasn't I enough for him? Why would he lie? Why would he promise his love for me if it wasn't true? Why would he propose?

The thought that got me the most was why wasn't I good enough? Was I not keeping him happy? And if I wasn't, why didn't he just end our relationship and go on with whichever "mistress" he liked best? Or, better yet, just stay single and do the rotation?

I needed to stop thinking. I was desperate to get out of my head. Despite the warm and safe feeling of Jamie's arms, I had to get up and do something or else my thoughts would eat me from the inside out.