Dream Chaser

7.

This ain't no letter to my ex but where do I began ...

First love
Have you ever had one?
What is a first love?
A first love is defined as
The one you first truly have feelings for
Your first and your last

But you were my first love
They asked me
What made me fall for you?
Because you made my heart beat differently when breathing in your air
In my stomach lives butterflies that flies internally

I began writing your last name after my first
I used to genuinely be me and felt accepted by you
I felt loved and uplifted
I felt protected and secured
I trusted you
I used to believe all of your promises
I fell hard for you that I was too damn naive to believe that our love story came with an expiration date

That first love is unfortunately unforgettable
What did I do to deserve this?
Why did it have to be this way ?
I fell in love with you, you made me fall in love with you
Which led to me making executive choices like you being the first to make my rose blossom
I convinced myself that it was going to be us vs the world
And that I was your forever to infinity
And beyond

But now, I hate the fact that we have grown apart and I'm not saying everything is all your fault
I was at fault too
I didn't know how to love you properly and show and tell you how to properly love me too

The hardest part about you is letting you go
Because we got so much history
We piece together like a chemical reaction
Even though I'm so fucking mad at myself than you, it's hard letting you go because you're not just some nigga
You're my first love

Who would have thought I, would have fallen in love with you
Pure heart and innocent
They say you were no good for me
But for some reason, the universe keeps you in my web
Now I know how it feels to have a first love
And being hurt by you
Even though you hurt me, my love
I refuse to let you go

Part of me still believes that our garden would come back to life again then, I wouldn't feel so sad and angry at me, at you, at us

There's no me without you
There's no you without me
There's no we without us
I still think that we are meant to be

You me us
Meant to be

I can't breathe
I can't fucking sleep
I can't eat
I can't stop crying

I can't live without you
I can't live without us

I feel hopeless
If you call me I will relapse like an addict
I need a good fix, then I will be ok—-
Addicting, they say
I admit I need your love now to increase my high

I feel like I'm losing my mind but at the same time I'm trapped underneath water fighting for air,
I'm begging and pleading for help but no one hears me as I scream at the top of my lungs
Not even you

Everyone watched me go from being the happiest person to becoming emptied and drained like a water fountain
You did this to me
But I loved you
I fucking loved you
You loved me too

They say love makes you do the craziest things
I still want to do those things with you
Like we planned that one summer

Truth is I don't think I would ever be able to truly get over you
Cause, when I think of the words
first love
You fulfill my love
It is so hard to stop thinking about you
Our love
Our memories we stored in a safe place

And it kills me,
Even though I tried fighting for us, but I couldn't give you what you wanted
Neither could you

I ripped the pages out of my book. "Stop ripping pages out of your book, stop doing that mama."

Sincere stood between my legs and touched my face by caressing it. "I can't --"

Thinking about my ex, then Chance pop up visit to my apartment. Had my mind all the way fucked up. "You can look at me the best work is written from pain and this right here is going to be in your book. Do you hear me?" He grabbed both sides of my cheeks. I nodded my head. "Use your words, mama."

"I'll do it and I hear you ." I picked up the ripped pages.

Pain
Buried beneath me
Sometimes I allow the pain that I am feeling to take control
As it moves higher
I feel so low
Closer, closer
The pain begins to fade away
All the pain
Is buried
Beneath me

******

I know it's been a minute and it feels good to be back 🤸