Bound By Pain

6

"Miss Addams. I'd like you to read your work to the class.", Mr White says.

I rise and gulp nervously. I've never been one for public speaking, except when I'm drunk of course, which I'm far from right now. My eyes skim across the classroom. All eyes are on me save for the few that don't seem to give a flying fuck about what I wrote.

I clear my throat.

I've pushed, pulled and adjusted all that is me to fit my aesthetic. Took quiet some time but i realized the whole ordeal is pathetic.

My eyes rise from my notepad to the class. There's a few more people paying attention.

It's changing the real me to fit a certain bracket just because i reckon it's unique. It's like assuming a whole new identity for the sake of appearances and what humans think

I breathe, willing my heart to stop it's erratic beating.

I'd rather escape -- escape from the fancy name aesthetic and from people's opinions. I'd rather live in the heart crippling reality. Show the world what's truly me, scars and open wounds included

I read the last part without looking at my notepad. The part that i know by heart and the part that speaks me.

Where they used to see a free and happy soul, they now see the real me. They get to see the girl who avoids glasses when she can barely see. The girl who's wanted to cry since she can remember but can never find her tears. A girl who loses sleep because of her fears. Fears that can never get to her yet she convinces herself they will. Only so she can get the pleasure of feeling, feeling anything at all.

Maybe a pool of crimson flowing from my wrists to the floor under me is the last piece of my aesthetic.

When I'm done i feel out of breath. I feel the room spin but it's out of relief -- relief that I've finally let my feelings out. I've let the burst of emotion leap from my heart and my soul and it's finally out there.

The room stops spinning when i hear a loud clap in the back of the room which then rises to a whole audience clapping -- for me.

I sit back in my chair and let the rest of the lesson float by without as much as a single word that catches my attention.

Lunch comes by and passes swiftly. I don't have lunch with Todd or Charlie today because they both had commitments. I, on the other hand, have nothing to do. I don't have any classes after lunch so I'm forced to wait for Charlie, who offered to drive me home, much to Todd's disapproval.

I sit myself on my usual bench and lay my, head on the table infront of me. I let my mind drift into a slow, light sleep.

"Do you think she drank?"

"She's probably just sleeping, dumbarse."

"You can't be sure. She's pretty unpredictable."

"Yeah, you would know."

"Fine, fine. Maybe she just fell asleep."

The voices stop and i feel a hand tap my shoulder. I groan and open my eyes slightly to be met by Todd's hazel irises. "Wake up, sleepy head. We have to go."

"Fuck you." I groan.

"Grumpy much ", Todd puts in. Charlie takes my bag.

"Don't mess with a girl's sleep.", Charlie says chuckling. She chucks her car keys to Todd.

"You're driving."

"Don't mind if I do.", Todd responds smiling.

She gives me my bag and we make our way to the car. I sit in the back and let the couple sit together in the front.

Charlie glances at me through the rearview mirror. "There's a party this weekend at my cousin's place.", She starts. "I want you to come."

"You know parties aren't exactly my scene."

"No, events with people aren't your scene. Come on. Don't be a fun sponge. It'll be great.", She pouts, trying to convince me. Charlie turns to me. "Plus i need someone more reliable than Todd to go with. You know how he gets when he's drunk."

"Oh wow, you just said I'm unreliable. Girlfriend of the year sentiments, right there."

"Don't be a baby. You know what i mean. I can't carry you alone."

"Haha, very funny.", He turns away from the road. "I'm never too drunk to walk. That's a Binnie type of thing."

"Eyes on the road, bub.", Charlie warns.

I give Todd the finger through the rearview mirror and he sticks out his tongue. I'm beginning to think it's impossible to have a normal conversation with these guys. Todd on the most part.

"I'll come under one condition.", I say. "You buy me cigarettes."

"You know how bad that stuff is for you? It slowly eats away at your lungs and before you know it you've got cancer." She gives me a pointed look that morphs as fast as lightning into one of concern. "I want you to be my babies' god mother and you can't do that if you're dead."

"Our babies, love.", Todd chips in dreamy eyed. "Shut up, Todd!", Charlie and i say at the same time. "We're having a moment.", Charlie says.

"You guys are bullies.", Todd pouts.

"Back to what i was saying: It's just too risky. Your health is my first priority."

"We both know it's not that important. My health is totally fine. Plus i haven't had any in like two days."

"One day, Binnie. I was counting."

"Stalker.", My eyes turn to slits.

"Fine. Only once."

"Nice doing business with you.", I smirk.