Bound By Pain

9

The chilly air nips at my skin. My face feels numb and my hands are stuffed deep into my pockets. If I'd cried my tears would be near frozen by now.

I kneel down so that I'm at the same height as him -- as what remains of him. The autumn air blows past carrying a pile of dead leaves with it. It's dark outside but I don't need any light to read the inscription, written in a shiny silver colour, as requested by dad, on his tombstone.

"Hey dad.", I start. My heart clenches. It's utterly sad how the only person that listens and never voices their probably oppositional opinion is the only person I've actually lost -- forever. The only person who will only exist in my grey and fading memories.

"I saw mum today.", I roll my eyes as if he can actually see me. "As you may have already guessed, didn't go so well."

I pause for a while, trying to gather my words. I hear a bush rustle behind me and turn my head to look. Todd stands there with Charlie wrapped in his arms. Maybe for warmth.

"Henry's turning seven in a few weeks, you know. Not sure what I'm gonna get him for his birthday.", A small smile spreads across my face. "I really wish you were here, dad."

My shoulders slump and I'm all out of words. I sit on the grass and take a deep breath. The cool air burns my lungs. They crave the warmth cigarettes offer them. I not sure how long I sit there but I'm shaken out of my trance when a hand touches my shoulder. I rise to my feet and wipe the grass and dust off my jeans.

I let out a low bye dad and make for Charlie.

The next morning comes by too quickly. I don't waste time getting ready and neither does Henry. We leave the house way earlier than usual and walk quite slowly to Henry's school. I wait a few minutes for a few other students to arrive before i leave Henry with a small kiss, that he rubs off, on his cheek and leave.

School is buzzing with the voices of students from every corner. The sound isn't the most desirable but silence isn't what i want today. I don't want to think. I force myself into the school halls. It's a Monday so neither Todd nor Charlie will be at school today. I cross the hallways and leave the school building to sit in the grass outside. It's less loud but not quiet.

I pull out my notepad and open the first page.

To my lovely daughter: Binnie Bee, from dad.

I ran a hand across the writing and close my eyes. I let the slight breeze fan my face as i let myself remember. I let myself see the moments that won't ever happen again.

His smile, his pout when he gets me to eat, his frown when i feign anger and finally his laughter. I can see him laughing but I can't hear it. I can't hear anything. It's sad how the best parts of life are short lived and barely rememberable.

The bell rings just as i imagine my dad happy and dancing with my mother. I get up and head to my first class of the day: English Lit.

The room is already filled with students sitting in groups. I don't bother myself with joining them and just sit in one of the chairs in the back. I sit next to Liam, a boy who barely ever speaks. He's listening to music through his headphones and even when the teacher walks in he doesn't remove them. He just sets his gaze ahead and looks as if his listening. Maybe he is.

The lesson is not at all interesting, maybe because I'm not listening, so i let my attention fall on the bracelet on my left hand that i fumble with throughout the lesson.

"That's it for today.", Mr White says. "Miss Addams, may i speak to you?" He asks me just as I'm about to reach the door. Just like the first time, he waits for the students to clear out before he speaks.

"Are you alright?", He asks.

I nod in response too lazy and spent to speak. "You didn't seem that way yesterday."

"Maybe it's because i wasn't.", I mutter.

He raises an eyebrow and asks , "What?"

"Nothing. I'm fine.", I say.

"Funny, it's not the first time you've said something under your breath.", He points out smiling. "I've noticed you don't have a car and it's awfully called out today. I'll drive you home."

"No, Mr White. I'll be fine."

"No, no. I insist."

He doesn't give me a chance to respond as he grabs his bag and leaves the room. He stops by the door. "Have a good day -- Binnie, was it? You can call me Grey. You've vomited on me before. What more do you need to be personally acquainted"

He, once again, doesn't wait for an answer before he leaves. I follow behind him a few minutes later after gathering my things.

Mondays aren't the most eventful days. They consist of English and History lessons only. The rest is either me sleeping, drinking or smoking. My initial plan was to take a few mouthfuls of whiskey before i fell asleep after my classes but that was thwarted when i was tapped lightly on my shoulder.

I groan internally before looking behind me. My eyes grow wide for a few seconds before i remember our little chat this morning.

"Are you ready to go?", Mr White asks me. I can feel my limbs numbing up and the will to refuse his offer, like any sensible person, fades with this buzz.

"If you're willing to stop along the way to get my brother.", I respond.

"That is doable.", He flashes his smile once again and starts walking towards his car. I get odd looks from the few girls outside but as usual i pay them no mind. I see a few people whisper but ignore it.

I jump into the passenger's seat and close the door. Mr White follows suit. A few minutes later we're on the road and I'm giving him directions to Henry's school.

"Take a right here and park on the side of the street."

He does excatly as i tell him. "I'll go fetch him, he probably won't recognize the car.", I say.

I get out of the car and close the door. I jog over to the school gate and call for Henry. He's stood in the middle of three boys and two girls, his fingers shoved into his ears. His brown eyes are shut tight and it takes everything in me not to cuss at the kids around him. I jog to them and take Henry's hand before pulling him away from those horrid kids.

He looks at me and I can see the smallest tear run down his left cheek, despite the dark hood covering most of his face in a dark shadow. I pull him into a hug and stay like that. As always there's nothing I can do. Helpless and useless, i let him sob into my chest as i rub circles around his back.