Bound By Pain

8

I inherited a tonne load of traits and habits from my dad, except maybe the colour of my skin and texture of my hair. I'm not complaining but maybe I could have at least inherited bouts of his stubbornness or persistence. I have however a instant sense of giving up when things become complicated.

After trying to convince Mr White of my capability to walk home well over three times I gave up. He drove me home and i picked Henry up from the neighbors.

My day wasn't going so well but i hadn't realized going home was going to make it worse. I found my mom in the kitchen making supper. This may not seem like such a bad thing but when it comes to my mum its alarming.

Mum has layers of makeup on her face whilst she hums a soft song. If i didn't know better I'd think she was happy.

"Oh, my babies!", She exclaims opening up her arms. Henry, being the young and free soul he is, runs into them and gives her a huge hug.

I'm left standing in the living room with my fists clenched and the anger oozing out of me. A merry laugh leaves her mauve lips as she spins my little brother around.

She sets Henry down and her brown eyes meet mine. "Binnie." She smiles. "How was your day?", She asks me.

Her expression doesn't change. It just stays jolly. Painfully jolly. Like she's taunting me. Horrible, is what I want to say but i decide to play her game. "Good."

"Lovely. Help me with setting up the table?"

I help her and we sit down for our meal. Mum and Henry are eating whilst i glare daggers into the side of my mum's face.

I push a raw carrot across my plate. Henry shoves a fork full of mashed potatoes into his mouth.

"Slow down, baby.", Mum says handing my little brother a glass of water. It's funny how we seem so perfect right now. Like our family didn't fall apart after Henry was born.

"So, mum.", I start. She looks away from Henry and smiles at me. Fake. Utterly fake. "What happened to your wrist?"

I ask the question, a sickly sweet smile on my face and she stiffens. Her gaze falls on her bandage covered wrist. For not more than a second i see her composure fall but she rebuilds it just as fast.

"I twisted my wrist.", She calculates her response. "I slipped whilst taking a shower and i put too much pressure on my wrist."

She always has an answer. Always ready to respond even though they are often lies. "My t-teacher says the best way to he-heal is with love. So you're gonna be fi-ne, mummy b-be-because I love you.", Henry says grinning.

"Yeah, sure. You probably bruised your elbow when you 'fell' too.", I mutter. "Load of shit."

"What was that?", Mum asks.

"Must have been an open window.", I say. She just smiles. Just like always. Cover up the pain with a smile. And i do the same.

Henry is already having his dessert and i haven't touched any of the food in my plate. I only had the muffin today which i vomited minutes after eating it and now that i have good, warm food, I'm too irritated to eat it.

It's sudden when Henry speaks.
"B-Bin, tell mummy a-bout your b-boyfriend.", He says excitedly.

Mum looks at me. She expects me to elaborate but i don't. "He d-d-drove her home. In his c-ca-car."

"You didn't tell me you had a boyfriend."

"Yeah, maybe because you barely leave your room.", I mutter. "It's also none of your business."

Mum shoots me a disapproving look. "Henry, why don't i tuck you in?", She says.

Henry hops out of his chair and mum takes him to his room. She leaves me with a glare. "Is Binnie angry?", I hear him ask mum from his room.

"No, baby. She's just tired."

Minutes later, mum walks back into the dining room. "What was that all about?" Her hands are on her hips.

"I don't know what you mean.", I say nonchalantly. If she won't address the elephant in the room, i won't either. I light up a cigarette and inhale the burning smoke.

"Binnie, I'm your mother."

"No, you were my mother! You stopped being that when you met Rob. Probably slipped your mind. Just like mine and Henry's existence.", I spit. My words are venom and for a second they burn my mom's façade. What does faze her is my calmness.

"I did not choose this life, Binnie.", She broke down. "I didn't want to lose my kids or lose myself."

She raises her hands in exasperation. "Maybe i deserve this."

"Yeah, i agree."

I get up from my chair. And press my finished cigarette stub on the diner table before i make for the kitchen. I grab two bottles of whiskey and make a streamline for my bedroom.

"And by the way," I stop. "He's not my boyfriend."

My room is dark and empty and i don't bother to switch on the light. I settle on my bed and exhale a heavy breath. The tears sting my eyes but, as usual, none fall.

Why can't i have a normal relationship with my mum?

I open my first bottle of whiskey and take a large gulp, scrunching up my face when the liquid burns my throat and my insides.

I take another.

Then another.

And another.

My room feels so stuffy so i decide i need to leave. I need to go somewhere quiet. Somewhere i can think and cool off.

I ring Charlie. "Hey, can you give me a ride?"

Charlie doesn't need to hear anymore to know I'm not in the best mood. She tells me she's on her way.

I pull on a jacket and some shoes before running out of the house. To my advantage, mum wasn't anywhere close to the living room.

Charlie's car is parked in front of my house and i jump into the the passenger's seat. Charlie just greets me with a low hi and so does Todd. I'm not surprised they were together. Maybe they were on a date judging by they're attire.

"Where do you want to go?", Charlie asks giving me a sympathetic smile.

"I want to see my dad."

That's all I need to say before the car lurches forward and we're off. No words are exchanged.