WHEN LOVE AND PRIDE COLLIDE (When Doubts and Trust Collide Sequel)

KABANATA 28

"Hi, guys. Are you good? Because I'm not." panimula ko sa podcast ko. Isang pilit na tawa ang ginawa ko dahil sa huli kong sinabi.

Hindi katulad ng mga nauna kong episodes na recorded, I am currently doing a live streaming now. This podcast is real live kaya medyo kinakabahan ako.

"For today's episode, I've decided to focus on Letting Go. Interesting, right? The reason why people can't be happy in their lives is because of holding onto something, and someone."

In the past few days, I've come to realize that. And I told myself that I can't be stuck to it again. I can't repeat the same thing from the past. That I need to move forward and keep going. That if we aren't really for each other, I will willingly surrender us. And I guess hearing nothing from him for weeks is already an answer. I can't be that insensitive to not get what he is trying to tell me.

"I'm sure most of us struggle on doing this. Tama ba? Kasi mahirap bumitaw sa isang bagay o tao na minsang pinasaya kayo. Ang hirap mag let go. Ang hirap tanggapin na sa isang iglap, biglang wala na ito sa buhay niyo. But until when you're going to hold on? Until when you're going to wait? Hanggang kailan ka maghihintay sa mga bagay na wala ng kasiguraduhan kung babalik pa ba? At hanggang kailan mo pipiliin na masaktan sa hindi mo pagbitaw?"

Ako? Hanggang dito na lang siguro.

"I know exactly how it feels, guys. Believe me." bahagya pa akong natawa sa sarili ko. "So, allow me to share with you some tips on how to let go of things, people, and emotions from the past."

Humugot ako nang malalim na hininga at mahigpit na hinawakan ang papel kung saan nakasulat ang notes ko. I can't do an impromptu this time because I know to myself that any moment, I might get a mental block. Somehow, I've come to believe that Hanz is right. Na taksil ang emosyon. Kaya hindi malabong mawala ako sa mga sasabihin ko ngayon once I become emotional on this episode. But I really do hope not to.

"Una, pep talk yourself with a positive mantra. Mahalagang makita natin ang liwanag sa dilim. Tandaan natin na kahit sa gabi ay may maliwanag na buwan para magsilbi nating ilaw."

Napangiti ako. Hindi katulad noong nasaktan ako kay Zack, mas nauunawaan ko ang sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon kay Luk. Though mas masakit ito, mas kaya ko na rin itong dalhin ngayon.

"Pangalawa, lumayo ka. Upang hindi ka na mapaso at masaktan ay lumayo ka sa apoy. It's like that. Tingin ko naman, understandable and common na iyon. Sabi nga, for us to grow, we need to find a healthy environment."

Pero mukhang hindi ko na ito kailangang gawin dahil nauna na siya. Sakali mang bumalik siya, siguro I'll be professional enough na lang sa trabaho.

"Pangatlo, don't be too hard on yourself. If you're hurting, let it. Allow yourself to feel. Huwag niyong madaliin. Guys, there's no such thing as instant healing. It's a process. Be gentle to yourself and have a self-care mentality."

Sa lahat ata ay ito ang paborito ko. Natuto na ako. Kung noon ay sinisisi ko ang sarili ko sa mga nangyayaring hindi maganda sa akin, ngayon ay mas nauunawaan ko na na hindi lahat ng bagay ay aayon sa gusto natin. Things happen for a reason.

"Pang-apat, forgive without apologies. I guess it's really hard, but when you do, I can assure you that you're winning your battle. Not everyone can do that so if you can, then congratulations!"

Napatawad na kita, Luk. Kahit nasasaktan pa rin ako sa ginagawa mo ay hindi ko kayang magalit sa 'yo. Kung ayaw mo na, tatanggapin ko, isusuko ko.

"Lastly, be with the people who keep you sane and seek professional help. Support systems are really important, especially when you're dealing with something. Make sure to surround yourself with people who can lift you every time you will feel down and sad, and seek professional help for you to understand yourself better."

Of course. Ano pa at nag-aaral ako para maging ganap na psychologist kung hindi ko bibigyang halaga ang parteng ito. Importante ang professional help dahil napakahirap magself diagnose. There is a big possibility na mali ang maging assessment at interpretations natin sa sarili natin. And to live the saying that no man is an island, you better seek help if you think you are dealing with any mental health issues.

"Alright. That's it but there's more." muli akong natawa. Ito na. For the second time around, I will be doing this on my podcast. "If you're my listener for years now, siguro you will get deja vu sa susunod kong gagawin. Pasensya na guys. But I have to do it here again. This is my only way to let this most important person in my life hear me out." at sana ay nakikinig siya ngayon.

I bet it's going to be the last time as well. Because I am considering turning down this account after this.

"To the man who owns my heart... you know how much I love you that I'm willing to do anything just to make you happy."

Siguro, kung may isang bagay man na magpapasaya sa kaniya na hindi ko naibigay, iyon ay ang sarili ko. Iyon lang. At hindi ko pinagsisisihang pinanindigan ko iyon. Dahil baka hindi ko kayaning palayain pa siya ngayon kung pati iyon ay hindi ko na naitira para sa sarili ko.

"And that love includes your freedom. But before I end my podcast, for good I guess, let me tell you this for the last time. I love you, Luk. And I don't regret loving you. I am now setting you free. And you don't have to feel guilty about it. Malaya ka na. Take care of yourself, please?"

At sa pangalawa at huling pagkakataon ay natapos ang podcast ko sa salitang please.

Agad kong tinapos ang live streaming at tsaka hinayaang umagos ang mga luha sa pisngi ko.

It's okay, Cleah. You've made the right decision. You are now both free.

Biglang umilaw ang cellphone ko.

Calling... Unregistered number.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Cleah! Si Loukas naaksidente!"

"Ano?!"