Ａｌｍｏｓｔ Ｙｏｕ

i love you forever

It was my fourth day of chemo, and all I could do was stare out the window. That or throw up. I pulled the blanket higher up my body to warm myself up. If the hospital wasn't cold enough already, chemo made it worse for me.

"I found you an apple juice, they were out of orange, I hope that's okay." I heard Harry's voice say and I turned to look at him with a small smile.

"That's fine. Thank you." I said and he nodded, opening it up for me and adding a straw. He handed it to me, leaning down and kissing the top of my head as he did.

"How is it today?" He said, moving my legs slightly so he could sit in the chair with me. The thing about fancy hospitals, it also meant fancy reclining chairs.

"Easier, that's all I can really come up with." I said, sipping some of my juice and he nodded.

"Has your mom sent a Rosie update?" I said, turning to place my juice down on the small side table.

"Yeah, she dropped her off at daycare because Rosie insisted. She wanted to play." He said and I nodded.

"That's fair, she probably so bored just at home." I said, taking a deep breath, "Did you see the cover of US Weekly by the way?"

"Yes, I did. I'm trying to not pay attention to it. I hate that those pictures leaked. Normally tabloids will give some sort of a heads up to the teams, but I guess not this time."

I watched as he shook his head, looking out the window, his eyebrows furrowed. Pictures of the zoo had spread like wildfire. It started with a few in the internet and soon they were everywhere; the newest being US Weekly. I knew it irritated Harry, this is as a lot of what he had been running away from, and my incident only made it come back again.

"Hey. At least they got my good side." I joked, and he turned to me, but he didn't think it was funny. I sat up a bit, reaching for his hand, "Hey Haz, it's okay. I'm trying to just find light in all of this."

"You don't even want to do this, Maddy. You are basically being forced to be here. I have to sit here everyday knowing if this doesn't work, you're just going to give up. I thought you died that's day!" He said, he face serious. I swallowed because I didn't want to fight, and we had been having this fight, every night.

—

"Harry, no. Please drop it." I whisper yelled at him. We were both trying to be quiet so his mom and Rosie would hear us from their rooms.

"Madeline, it's just one specialist, just one more." He begged.

"Harry! Enough. God damn, it. I don't want to go through my medical history again. I don't want to get anything else invasive done. I'm done. I'm tried. I'm so fucking exhausted." I said, my voice a little louder, tears streaming down my face, "I understand your feelings. My moms feelings. You all act like it's easy for me to say I'm done. Like it's easy to give up. Like I know you understand giving up means that I will die! So fucking imagine what that feels like for me. It's one thing to not have a choice, and it happening because that's what happens in life...but imagine having to make that decision. I have a fucking kid, who is the greatest kid in the entire world, no argument about it. And I have you...I..." I sat on the bed crying, feeling completely defeated.

I felt the bed dip as he sat next to me, his hand running softly along my back, "I'm sorry."

I could tell he was crying from his voice, but I could also tell her was tired, at this point, we were both just exhausted. It just wasn't fair on any of us.

—

"I'm sorry, Harry. You're right, I'm sorry." I said, biting my lip and looking back out the window.