The Scorpio

Faded love

You think that this is easy for me
I spent the entire year watching you
fade away from us,
I watched you forget about me
I didn't say shit, I just let time pass
Before you knew it, it was,
3 months, 6 months, 9 months
And right before it hit a whole fucken year,
I exploded, I lost my shit on you
And for the last three months of that year
I repeatedly fought with you about us,
And how lonely I am

How badly I needed affection
Still not even on my birthday
After that I could barely love you anymore,
let alone look at you
The love I have is just a memory now,
lost in time it wasn't real,
I know that now it was just two weeks
out of 12 years of our lives
But that's been gone
I held on to that memory for so long

I couldn't see anything else
I was so happy and excited for the first time
In my sad ass life, I thought someone loved me
Now it's like acid flashes in my traumatized brain
I would never trust you again, not the same
When you left me, it was so easy
You just ripped us apart, and I'll never forget it
I honestly never believed you wouldn't do it again
I know that's why I didn't take us seriously,
because you clearly didn't

And I had friends
Because you held on to her
I guess that's how I saw it
But you married me anyways
After 5 years, I had to ask you,
and that was it
Nothing special just a plain court wedding
Should of seen the signs,
New title, same shit, we just went deeper
Until I couldn't stomach us anymore
Or your fake ass meaningless sex
that is fucken played out

And that's what this marriage is like
Always fighting about us, not actually being a us
the next minute we're fucking again
While I'm in fucken tears,
It's a fucken endless loop with you, I swear
You've played with me,
cause you could, don't deny it
I'm fucken sick of it, I'm sick of you,
Entirely I am, mentally you make me want to die
physically you make me sick inside

I'm all fucken twisted up in my mind
I don't know what was real, and what was a lie
That's how bad you hurt me inside
I have to second-guess
every fucking memory we've ever had
because how can someone really love me
if they don't even love me for me
I told you, how many fucken times have I told you
How I feel inside, how many times
Do I have to gut myself alive

These tears could tell so many stories alone
Hoping this is the last time when I know
there's never gonna be a last time
But here we go again.... here we go again
Stop fucken doing this to me
You confuse me, then use me
You make me loose my mind
Then sit back like everything is fine
Like you didn't cause this, it's fucken sick
As you spiral me into yet another
manic depression of panic and anxiety

You broke me so badly
I can't even identify myself anymore
You've caused me so much internal damage
My body, my face, my weight, my hormones
I'm all over the place
You leave me to fill in the blanks
of this broken marriage
I give you myself because I love you
But what is there about you to even love anymore?
And even when I say I'm done I give you myself again, and yet again and again

God damn don't you understand what love is?
You act like this shit is so easy to you
If you don't want me just say that!!
Be a fucken adult and just say it!!
I'll leave you alone!! I promise.
I can see it, hell I can feel it
How many more years are you going to pretend
I am not her!!!
I can never be her or what fucked up better version of what you wanted out of her

I am me,
someone you never could love completely
You don't want me, you want a memory
You will never love me the way I've loved you,
12 fucken years wasted
You don't fight for us, you ignore us
It's always been me putting our relationship first
I don't know why the fuck you're even with me for
I can't even tell you, one time
You've initiated anything
Without me bringing it up, or bitching about us
It's always been me

I'm so fucken delusional
It's always been me to start and finish everything
And then you sit there looking devastated
No response no resolution,
not even one real tear
Instead you immediately pretend we're fine
It's you're solution every time,
you play super nice,
While you manipulate me into forgetting
who I am, and whoever we are
And then before I know it
We're stuck on an endless loop once again

Until you pull the cord
And I fall in my tracks powerless
Then I realize it's happening all over again
This weird fucked up live in situationship
You call marriage, that I hate so much
That I'm supposed acknowledge is real
That I am supposed to honor
While you selfishly manipulate the situation
By falsely redeeming yourself with false hopes and fake dreams

But I'm not stupid I'm dumb
Your not sorry, sorry means I'll never do it again
Not treating me, like this over and over again
And now you will never get the chance to love me like that again, because I am so over this shit
I'm completely fucken done!