Leaves, Seasons, and Dead Trees (BxB)

3. - The Law of Guilt

"Is it courage or faith to show up every day?
To trust that there will be light always waiting behind?"

- "Six" by Sleeping At Last -

*****

Tyson

The air in my apartment hangs heavy, burdened by the weight of my encounter with Samuel. Twice, that is.

It's seeping into every corner, suffocating me. Perhaps that's why I was sleepless all night long, tossing and turning, unable to find solace. And now, as the clock on my night table taunts me with its relentless ticking, I realize it's already 10:24 AM, and I still remain unshowered. Even this morning, I find myself unable to muster the motivation to go for a jog. The mere thought of encountering Samuel yesterday replays like a broken record, sapping away any remnants of energy.

Every time I think of Samuel, a storm of emotions swirls within me. It's not a matter of hating him; it's the intense self-disgust that engulfs me. Merely witnessing him walking, talking, and simply existing in front of me... He stands as the grandest trophy in my personal hall of shame, a constant reminder of the consequences of my past actions that I deliberately overlook each day. Despite my attempts to become a better person, I cannot miss one grave, important detail: I have failed to address the pain I inflicted upon him.

Overwhelmed by this newfound awareness, I begin to question the authenticity of my personal growth as the weight of my past actions presses heavily on my conscience, forcing me to confront the painful truth that I inflicted harm upon someone who once held a significant place in my life. Throughout the years, I have tried to push him out of my mind and move forward, using him as a distant reminder of the person I strive not to become.

But now that I know he is attending the same college as me? Now that I know there's a possibility of encountering him and experiencing the same awkwardness again and again?

The demons I thought I had conquered now manifest themselves in the tangible world.

Perhaps, I have simply been lying to myself all these years.

My train of thought is abruptly interrupted by the ringing on my phone. Glancing at the caller ID, I see that it's Foster. As soon as I answer the call, Foster's concerned voice immediately reaches through. "Hey, Ty."

"Hey, Foz," I respond, my tone betraying a hint of exhaustion.

"Look, um... You missed your morning jog. Again."

I let out a heavy sigh. "Yeah, I did."

Foster's voice carries a hint of uncertainty as he ventures further, "Is...everything really okay with you?"

Frustration grips me, and I find myself violently facepalming. "Yeah, yeah, I'll try to move on from that."

Foster's thoughtful hum resonates through the phone. "Sure thing, bud. Just know I'm here for you if you ever wanna talk about it, 'kay?"

"Thanks, Foz. Appreciate it," I reply, gratitude lacing my voice. The silence between us hangs in the air, an uncomfortable weight that I've grown weary of since yesterday. Determined to break it, I stand up from the bed, absentmindedly scratching my itchy scalp. "Is there anything else?"

"Nah, not really. Just wanted to let you know that class starts in thirty minutes. Got a bit worried since you're usually the one who wakes me up."

I let out a chuckle. "Right, right, I'll get going then. I think I'm skipping shower, though."