Leaves, Seasons, and Dead Trees (BxB)

12. - Jack of All Chuckles

"Do I care if I despise this, nothing else matters, I know,
In a veil of great disguises, how do I live with your ghost?"

- "The Only Thing" by Sufjan Stevens -

*****

Tyson

Yup, Matty hit the nail on the head: Samuel's bitter voices only seem to be burrowing deeper into my brain the harder I try to show him how much I've changed.

And I'm not mincing words here. There are moments when I catch myself fantasizing about picking a fight with the Birman, maybe even snapping some sense into him. Like now, for instance.

I just casually asked him if he'd like to spend New Year's Eve exploring Utah with me, well aware that he'll probably have no grand plans and most likely be stuck twiddling his claws or vegetating on his bed until the next semester rolls in. This comes right after I just dropped him off post-grocery shopping with the money I forcefully lent. And let's not forget that I've graciously allowed him to crash at my apartment for days until he's gotten better. Under my supervision.

Don't get me wrong, I don't expect reciprocation, because the truth is I find a certain satisfaction in what I've been doing: proving that I truly mean it when I say I've changed, expressing my sincere remorse through actions rather than empty words.

All I'm saying is, is it too much to ask for him to show even a sliver of decency toward me?

Oh, yeah... "A sliver of decency" is reciprocation. God, I'm a hypocrite.

Truthfully, at this juncture, I'm beginning to entertain the notion that Samuel's relentless behavior towards me is a deliberate test of my patience, which, of course, is something I'm well aware is 99.9% true. While it does work like a charm in ruffling my furs at times, the cliché "practice makes perfect" isn't a universal truth. If anything, the more I strive to withstand his acerbic sarcasm and jabs at my earnest attempts to mend our relationship, the closer I come to wanting to release a primal scream on his face and give up.

But then again, the very reason I'm making an effort to reconcile, especially considering I was the one who initially wounded Samuel, is to prevent myself from sinking to the level that my darker impulses are tempting me toward.

And Matty was on point about the trials and tribulations that will likely colonize my path the longer I continue weaving myself into Samuel's life to show him my transformation as a person. It's as if Matty's walked down a similar road before. It makes me wonder if he actually has.

As I watch the feline about to slip into his dorm building through the rolled-down car window, curling up against his winter coat, and as my contemplation about whether all these make-nice efforts are worth the trouble crosses my mind, I decide to crash Samuel's space by throwing down the gauntlet. "You know what? I'll be here to pick you up at 10 tomorrow, and I'll kidnap you if I have to."

Caught off guard by my sudden boldness, Samuel whips his head toward me, a mixture of confusion and disapproval dancing in his eyes. "What the hell did you just say?"

Playing his patience game right back at him, I let out a mocking chuckle. "Not so fun when you're on the receiving end of someone else's sass, huh?"

His glare zeroes in on me, but in that instant, something shifts within me.

It's like I've suddenly decided that his biting remarks and sarcastic retorts are nothing more than childish antics. And, somehow, I find myself unshaken by whatever his next words or actions might be. This newfound... perspective? Notion? Whatever it is, it empowers me to disregard his reactions whenever I genuinely make an effort to mend our ties. Because, ultimately, he'll come to realize that I'm quite capable of playing the I-don't-care game just as skillfully as he can.