Existential

Chapter 4

I curl into a small ball in the corner of my bedroom. Moonlight filters through the window and I can hear the wind outside. That vodka earlier was probably a bad decision. Josh left an hour ago and I've been in the same place since he left. It seems whenever I drink alcohol all I feel is guilt. I have really ruined a lot of people's lives. Maybe if I did leave like Tyler said everyone would be happier...I'm sure everyone would be happier. I roll my head back and stare at my blank ceiling. Blank like my life essentially is. Sure I've got a boyfriend, friends, and some power in my tiny world but there's no spark. No real life in me. Nothing really keeping me grounded except for gravity in the literal sense.
What is even the point really? There is none. I don't leave a footprint on the world so it wouldn't matter if I left entirely. Time would keep ticking and the world would keep spinning. Tyler wouldn't be antagonized and my friends wouldn't be annoyed. Pine could finally get a quality girlfriend. My parents wouldn't really care, they would be too busy making business deals and yelling at each other to notice I'm gone. I wish I was a good driver so I could escape to Cali but I guess my driving skills wouldn't really matter if I would just pull the steering wheel anyways.
I sigh and crawl out of my tiny ball. I look around my room and spot the alcohol bottle. I get up and my joints pop as I walk over to my desk. I pick up the bottle and bring the clear glass to my lips. The alcohol burns but it can burn any memories I have. I drop my hand to my side and shuffle out of my room. The rest of my house is virtually pitch black but I have the path leading to the front door memorized. I stumble down stairs and walk to the front door. I slip on any nearby shoes that I somehow find and open the door.
Maybe I can just go to the park, that'll be calming at least. It's also out of the house and no one else will be there anyways. As I make the small journey to the park the wind blows against my body. I guess to anyone else I'd look like some delinquent in my shorts, baggy shirt, and a vodka bottle at hand. I suppose that much is true except for the delinquent part. I notice in one of the houses I pass the light is on in a room on the second story. I squint my eyes and see a familiar silhouette but I can't quite decide who it is.
Whatever, they don't matter anyways. I continue walking and finally see some of the trees from the park. Eventually my shuffling feet get me to the park itself. A swing set, slides, trees, and an abandoned basketball are in the area. There's a bunch of other miscellaneous things but my vision is too blurry now to decide if they're worth squinting at. I spot a large tree that probably stands at 30 feet and walk over to it. I drop my body to the ground and rest my head against the rough bark. I take another swig from the bottle and stare at the night sky. Countless stars litter the sky and the moon shines brightly in the dark. I wish I could just be anywhere but here.
I sit there for over an hour and then hear a twig snap behind me. I snap my head to look in that direction, the vodka often makes me paranoid. I first see red vans, pajama pants, then a very tired...Tyler? He groggily smiles at me and closes the distance between him and the tree. Tyler sits down and slowly grabs the vodka out of my hand. I guess I should be leaving right now or snatching the vodka back...maybe even making a rude remark but I don't. Damn, this boy has a strange effect on me lately.
"What are you doing out here?" I ask him and my voice sounds scratchier than I thought it would.
"I should ask you the same thing. After all, you're sitting in the park with a bottle of alcohol at 3 am. So, what are you doing out here," Tyler asks me and I look away from him.
"You're the last person I would tell, Joseph." I say and cross my arms.
"Stop crossing your arms. It makes me uncomfortable, like you're trying to protect yourself from me or something. I'm not going to hurt you. I just...want to help." Tyler gingerly grabs my wrists and places them on their corresponding sides. He lets go of my arms and I settle for picking at the grass. "So what's on your mind?"
"Nothing Tyler. Absolutely nothing," I mutter and look away from him again.
"Look I know you probably think I don't care or something. Maybe you just don't feel comfortable telling me but let me tell you something. I'm here, right now. No one else is here waiting for you to speak right now. I left my house at 3 am to come and talk to you. I know there is something wrong. I'm here to hear it, not your boyfriend, not your friends. No, it's me, this kid you probably think sucks. Now whether you tell me or not I'm here for you right now."
I look up from my lap to Tyler's brown eyes. I can see how honest he looks right now and I don't know what to do. I settle for awkwardly staring at him before reverting my eyes back to my lap. I can feel my eyes start to burn and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the alcohol or it's that somebody has sacrificed sleep to come and sit at this tree with me. Either way I can feel tears coming up and I can't stop them. I wipe at my eyes with the back of my hand and I feel Tyler press his hand against my shoulder.
"Thanks. I never thought I'd thank you for something like this, but thank you." I choke out and I finally look at Tyler. I don't mean I'm just looking at him I mean I actually see him. He has bags under his eyes and I can see a very faint line drawn down his wrist. I see the pain behind his eyes and those lyrics mean so much more to me. It isn't just him faking a tortured artist in his lyrics but those are his genuine thoughts. I can't believe I burned the rest of them. I can't believe I could be such a horrible person to this boy who has really only shown me kindness. I cry out and cover my face the best I can. I bury these feelings and I never knew someone one else could express them. Tyler puts them on paper and it seems I put them in alcohol and tormenting other kids. Tyler is a much better person than I am.
"I'm so so sorry," I choke out and I feel Tyler wrap his arms around my shoulders. I snake my arms around his waist and bury my face into his chest. I let sobs rake across my body and Tyler slowly rubs my back. Eventually my tears stop coming and I'm left with hugging Tyler while he attempts comforting me. I slowly move out of his grasp and brush my now wet bangs from my face. Tyler smiles at me and I look around. The sun is slowly creeping up on the horizon and it must be at least 4 am now.
"Tyler we have to go to school. You should go home and get some rest. Sorry for keeping you up."
"Oh I wasn't sleeping anyways. I have trouble sleeping most of the time anyways. I'm just glad I could at least kind of help you out, even if it was just stroking your back while you soak my shirt." Tyler chuckles and I let a laugh escape my lips.
"Yeah sorry about that...but really we should go." I mutter and bring my knees into my chest. I rest my head against them.
"How about we take a day off? I can have my parents call in for me and say I'm sick and I can take you to the mall or something. Is that alright?" Tyler says. I contemplate his offer, it'd be weird for me to hang out with him but it seems better than going to school.
"Can your parents call in for me? Mine are...on business trips." I say and Tyler nods. He swiftly gets up from the ground and holds his hand out to me. I hold onto him and he helps me up.
To anybody who knew us from school this would look very...strange to say the least. Tyler holding a glass bottle of vodka and helping his tormentor. Me with a tear stained face with my hair stuck up in random places. There's more going wrong here but I'm too drained to notice them right now. We walk across the street from the park and the sun has risen a little higher from the horizon. I look up at Tyler and notice how much more relieved and relaxed his face is. This is a high contrast to what he looked like earlier. I wonder why he was awake.
He leads us to his house and opens the front door. I follow him inside and I look around. It's a rather normal house but it is a lot more family oriented than mine. There is photos of them everywhere and there's birthday cards laying on the table. I take notes of the family memorabilia as I follow Tyler to wherever he's leading me. We go up the stairs and he eventually stops in front of a door. He opens it and I'm welcomed by a very messy room.
"Now I know it's disastrous but we will only be here for about an hour unless my mother wants to make us food." Tyler explains and gestures for me to sit on his bed. Which is the only clear surface in the whole area.
"Won't your parents think it is weird some girl they've never met is sitting in their son's room?" I question him.
"They don't care. Plus they probably have no faith in me having a girlfriend so no worries on that part," Tyler laughs after saying that and I find that kind of sad. He's not unattractive so I wonder why his parents would think that, or why he thinks that. I shrug it off and decide not to bug him about it.
"So I actually will need clothes..." I trail off and look up at Tyler in hopes that he can help me out.
"Okay so I've got...a black V-neck that'll fit you or a very oversized Blink-182 shirt. Your choice."
"I'll go with the blink shirt and also...skinny jeans available or do I need to stay in this?" I gesture to my pajama bottoms and Tyler quickly finds a pair and tosses the clothes to me. They land next to me and I don't really make effort to move them.
"I'm going to go talk to my parents because they should be awake by now and you can change while I'm gone. The bathroom is connected to my room so I'm sure you won't have a problem finding it," Tyler quickly explains then escapes from the room. He shuts the door behind him and I slowly get up from the bed. I roll my pants off first and replace them with the skinnies that surprisingly fit almost perfectly. It's kind of weird to know I am the same size in pants as Tyler. Whatever it's not important. I quickly tear my shirt off and put on the other.
It wasn't hard to find the bathroom and eventually I've completely fixed my hair up and have refreshed my face. I guess eyeliner isn't that important today. I sigh and take one final look at my appearance before returning to sitting on Tyler's bed. He finally returns and holds two glasses of orange juice. He hands one to me and I begin sipping it and he sits down next to me.
"So the school has been notified and we are clear to do whatever you want. Although first I need to change..." Tyler says and then places his juice down and pulls out a random shirt and pants. I cover my eyes as he begins taking off his shirt. I'm assuming that'll make both of us more comfortable. Although I am really bad at efficiently covering my eyes because at one moment I can see how lean Tyler's body is. I guess basketball does wonders for the abs. Tyler, thankfully, gets finished changing and I can uncover my eyes again. I hand him his juice and start drinking mine again.
"I'm unsure if you know this or not but orange juice helps with my hangovers so good choice." I explain and Tyler just shrugs. I finish the glass and rest it on the night stand. We sit in silence as Tyler finishes his drink and when he does he stands up from the bed.
"Well, let's get this day started." Tyler smiles at me and for the first time in a solid day I smile too.//hey there I'm back and I'll see you guys in a day or two <3