Existential

Chapter 20

I wake up to Zack yelling in my ear and Tyler groaning on the other side of me. I keep my eyes closed and try to bury myself under the covers and fall back asleep but I soon realize that's not happening. Zack rips the blanket off of me and Tyler and any previous warmth we had is immediately compromised.
"What the fu-" I groan before Zack cuts me off by screaming Merry Christmas once again. There better be some god damn coffee brewing if I'm waking up at 4 in the morning.
I roll out of the bed and Tyler eventually follows. Zack disappears from the room and I yawn before stretching my arms out. Tyler imitates me and grabs my hand once we both relax.
"Merry Christmas," Tyler mumbles and I rub my eyes before smiling.
"Merry Christmas," I reply and lean into his side. We begin walking out and into the living room where there's a substantial amount of gifts under the tree. Since Madison is the youngest and she doesn't believe in Santa Clause we don't have to pretend to be surprised at the random gifts. Instead those random gifts were probably wrapped by Madison.
Everyone sits on the couch except Kelly who proceeds to pile gifts in front of people. Each of us have a pretty equal amount of gifts which will make this all easier. I lean over and tell Tyler to open mine last and he nods in response.
"Merry Christmas everyone, so Alice just so you know everyone opens their gifts at the same time. We don't move on to the next gift until everyone is done," she smiles and sits behind her gifts and I pick up on of my packages.
It has blue wrapping paper and the name tag is scribbled with the name Zack and my name below it. I slide my fingers under the edge to reveal one of those fortune 8 balls. The hell? I shake it without asking a question and one of the results is 'you have a crush on my brother.' I let out a sigh before laughing a little at how dorky but thoughtful to gift was.
"Do you like it Alice?" Zack asks and he actually sounds nervous about it. I nod enthusiastically and shake it a second time. 'If it's not Tyler it's not worth it.' I show Tyler the result and he lets out a laugh before I set the gift down. It really was very thoughtful. Everyone else had gotten the typical gifts and we moved on to the second one.
I unwrapped the gift from the parents to show a pair of sweatpants with the initials A.J. in red cursive lettering near the hem. The gray fabric is incredibly soft and definitely an upgrade from Tyler's that I'm wearing now. But my last name doesn't start with a J? I look to Tyler's dad for answers but he is busy with a sweater so I look to Kelly.
"You're practically family now Alice. This is the simplest way to show it." I can only smile in response as her words settle within me. Family. It's a strange concept I'm not really familiar with. I guess if this is what family is supposed to be I can't complain about anything.
Tyler nudges me and I turn to look a him but he kisses me gently and quickly. He smiles and I kiss his cheek before placing the pants next to the other gift. The next gift from Madison is a picture frame with literally the worst photo of Tyler I've ever seen. He just looks so...awkward. I can't even begin to describe how bad it is and Tyler even tries to steal it from me. Instead I got it back and placed it under the sweatpants so I would notice if he moved them.
Eventually everyone but Tyler got through my gifts to them. I got Zack a $50 apple gift card since he's on his phone all the time. Madison I got her a real pair of heels instead of her 2 inch ones from freshman year. Kelly I bought her a new set of matching oven mitts and an apron that were almost a replica of he old ones. Chris I literally just bought him the latest Pitbull album. He was the most excited out of everyone. Now it was down to me and Tyler's gifts to one another.
Honestly I was ready to cry. I didn't know how he would react and I would be devastated if I ruined their Christmas with some gift. The rest of the family finishes unwrapping their smallest gifts while me an Tyler sit staring at the gifts in our hands.
"You can open mine first," Tyler whispers and I slowly unwrap the paper. Inside was a simple small leather bound notebook. My hands slowly take it out and open up to the first page.
The only word was 'chaos.'
My mind immediately goes back to the obscure drawings and words in his room. Tyler clears his throat as I toy with the paper, trying to decide to flip the page.
"I thought the best way I could let you understand me is with this. I wrote on every single page up until yesterday. It's only 100 pages but I assumed you'd appreciate it more than some necklace," he whispers and I nod along. I close the book and set it down before wrapping my arms around him. We hug for a moment before I pull away as I remember the papers that will soon be in his hands.
"Please," I urge him and he tears the paper to show the flimsy folder I put them in. His eyebrows scrunch together as he grasps the plain Manila folder. He opens the folder and I am not exaggerating when I say it looked like his eyes would fall out. Tyler's hands shake as he holds the few songs he thought were burnt to ashes. He flips through the pages before setting them down and wrapping his arms around me. He pulls me so close I almost feel like I'm going to suffocate. But still I rub his back and he keeps his face tucked away into my shoulder.
The family is quiet as Tyler lets go of me and grabs the songs once again. He flips through them some more as I try to distract myself. I instead mess with the loose thread on my shirt as my eyes stay focused on the ground.
"What did you get Tyler?" Kelly's soft voice is suddenly the most alarming sound to me. Tyler glances up at his mom and I immediately notice tears in his eyes. He looks over at me before rubbing his eyes and looking down once more. No sound escapes from Tyler so I answer for him.
"Its six songs he wrote. Tyler thought he would never see them again but I found these," I let out a shaky breath. "I kept them since September."
"That's very nice of you Alice," Kelly replies and I look back at Tyler. His eyes are back to normal but his face is just a tad puffy. I rub his back once more and he raises his head and turns towards me. Tyler's lips weakly form a smile before he mouths 'thank you.' I nod in response and eventually the rest of the family goes back to bed.
I stay on the couch with Tyler and wait for him to actually say something. For the love of God please say something. I just need to hear something, anything, just whatever his opinion is on it.
Finally his voice cracks the silence that has grown around us.
"This is the best gift I could have gotten," Tyler's low voice is uneven, almost like he could cry at any moment. I look over at him and his hands are shaking and his eyes flick all over the room. Quickly his hand covers one of his eyes as he rubs it. I can only assume he was crying and didn't want me to see him.
So I decide that he would want time. If I was him I would want time with my songs. I get up from the couch, rub his shoulder, and head towards the restroom.
The cold tiles hit my feet as I close the door behind me. It's now 6 in the morning and I look as tired as I feel. There's still dark circles under my eyes and I look just...dull. I sigh and turn in cold water through the faucet. I cup my hands and let the water pool before bending to meet my face with the water. I let the liquid fall through my hands after my face gets some of the cold to wake me up. I look back up and wipe the water from my cheeks. I finally leave the bathroom once again and cross the hall to Tyler's room. I sit on the edge of his bed and let the nerves flow through me.
I release all the stress that led up to Christmas and it feels like it flows through my fingertips. I rub my hands up and down the sides of the sweatpants. Then the creak of the floor makes my head snap up.
Tyler leans against the doorframe, holding the gifts I left on the table. I smile at him and he walks into the room and places the pile on the nightstand. He sits next to me and after the bed adjusts Tyler wraps an arm around me. I lean into his side and his thumb rubs circles into my shoulder. After a few minutes he speaks once again.
"You should get some sleep. I'm gonna work on recording a song," with that he kisses me on the cheek and leaves the room. He closes the door behind him and I lay my head down on the pillows. I pull the thick covers over me that had earlier been tossed away by Zack. I slowly build up the warmth and reluctantly my eyes drift closed.
I wake up around noon and walk out into the kitchen. It's like almost every other afternoon and I take my phone with me. I can only assume Tyler is still in the basement since he's the only one not in the kitchen. I plop on the couch and decide to scroll through tumblr to kill dead hours.  Around two I get a text from Josh wishing me a merry Christmas and I feel a pang of guilt. I wasn't at his house when I told him I would be so we could give each other our gifts.  I'm a terrible best friend.
Do you want to pick me up at Tyler's house ?
Josh sends back a yes so I get to Tyler's took and change my clothes. I put on one of my Christmas sweaters and black jeans. Since Momma Dun will most definitely want to take photos I make share my face an hair looks halfway decent.
Josh texts me that he's outside so I grab my gift for him from my bag and walk out into the hall. I tell Kelly I'm heading to Josh's house for a couple hours and I will be home by five. She tells me she will tell
Tyler if he comes up and I head to the front door. When I pass the basement door I can faintly hear Tyler singing and piano blasting from speakers.
Right when I step outside to the snow I spot Josh. He greets me with a smile and I climb into the car, placing the box in my lap.
"Merry Christmas Joshua," I smile at him as he begins driving.
"Y'know a sufficient gift would've been that you stop calling me Joshua. I bet you it's cheaper than what's in that box," he suggests and speeds down the road. I laugh and I can hear the faint tune of some random album.
"What album?" I question and turn the radio up a little.
"New BMTH album," josh says proudly as Oliver's screams filter through the speakers. I nod and we pull up at Josh's house. We walk out and into the familiar house and the family bombards me with Christmas wishes. I greet all of them and then we go up to Josh's room. He finds the present and holds it tightly.
"Promise not to be mad?" He asks, nervousness in his voice.
"I couldn't be mad at you over a present," I laugh and sit on his bed. Josh sits next to me and hands me the thin gift. I hand him his box and we do our countdown that we've done for years. Whenever we're opening gifts we say '3,2,1, rip!'
Simultaneously wrapping paper falls from our hands and I stare at the object in my hands. The worry that Josh would like his gift slips from my mind as I wonder.
1) How did Josh keep this for so long ?
2) how did he lie to me for months; he is terrible at lying?
3) wow.
It's Tyler's old notebook. The leather composition book with the year scribbled into it and his name. I flip through the notebook finding every page just how they were from the beginning.  Filled with lyrics and the effort of Tyler over two years. I didn't even know I was crying until one of my tears hits the cover. I sniff and rub the back of my hand on my cheek and Josh rubs my shoulder.
I quickly gather myself and look up at Josh.
"I love it," I choke out and Josh nods his head. "I'm sure Ty will love it too."
"Thanks for the hair dye," he laughs and holds up the manic panic bottles. I bought two pink bottles and laugh with him but u can't help but wish I got him a better gift.
"I was thinking since we haven't gotten to spend a lot of time together we could dye each other's hair today." I smile and he nods in agreement. I place the notebook to the side and get up from the bed. We go to his bathroom and I gather the towels and he grabs the bleach from his cupboard.
With all the dye supplies on the counter I sit down in the chair first. Josh prepares the bleach solution before beginning to place it into my hair. His gloved hands work through my faded hair and gets it as close to my scalp as possible. As soon as that's done we switch places and he sets a timer for 15 minutes. I do the same for him and when his hair is bleaching I lean into the sink and he washes the bleach out.
A few minutes later it's time to wash Josh's hair over the sink and I do so. We both have practically white hair and it looks unreal. Me and Josh almost always have some sort of color in our hair and it's rare to see it so light. I take a few photos of us before Josh begins putting the pink dye into my hair.
Again, I do the same to him, and almost an hour later we stand in the bathroom with bright pink hair. We laughed at how absurd it looks and joked that we could pass as clowns if we painted our faces.
After two hours of video games and food I decide I should head home. I grab all my things including the notebook and Josh drives me home. I hug him even though the center console is in the way and get out of the car. Josh drives away once I reach the porch and I shake the handle to find it unlocked.
I head back in and Tyler immediately comes up to the front. He hugs me, lifting me off the ground, and spins me around. I laugh and he sets me back down before pressing a kiss to my lips. I pull away once I remember the object in my backpack.
"I have another gift for you," I tell him and shuffle through my bag. I grab the notebook and let out a shaky breath before pulling it out.
"Apparently Josh had it this whole time," I whisper before handing it to him. He smiles as he holds it and almost immediately looks like a giant weight was pulled off of him. Tyler grabs my hand and pulls me to the basement door. We walk down the stairs and it's almost just like how it was last time I went down here. Instruments strewn around the floor and a computer against the wall.
Tyler places the notebook on the ground near a ukulele and I follow him to the computer. He sits in the chair and makes room so I can sit next to him on the chair. I squeeze in and he wraps an arm around me to make it much more comfortable.
"I have something to show you," he whispers, "hopefully this goes better than last time."//hey guys I'm back and lemme tell you I am stressed as fuck. I have a huge chem project to finish and I have a shit ton of algebra 2 concepts I don't understand and I'm melting. I'll prolly update again within the next four days though so expect that. Anyways I hope you all have a good weekend
Stay alive
Kirsty