Existential

Chapter 19

The only time I went back to my house over the course of the last week was to get those songs. They were still in my binder which was hidden away in the garage. I couldn't live with myself if I lost them when I had an opportunity to get them again. Tyler had come with me but I made him stay outside so he wouldn't see what I was grabbing. I put the paper in my bag along with a large amount of clothes and a wrinkled gift bag.
Now that wrinkled gift bag sits under the Joseph Christmas tree along with everyone else's gifts. I had went to the mall while Tyler went with his family bowling and bought them all gifts. This family has truly gone above and beyond to care for and adapt for me. They don't even question me on my atheism anymore which is amazing considering how religious they are. I'm still surprised Tyler has never attempted to convert me.

Today is Christmas Eve, which also means we are going to their Aunt Jude's house for the Christmas party. Tyler (gratefully) let me put my name along with his on the gifts for the other families since I didn't want to seem rude.
Tyler's sister Maddy let me borrow her straightener so I could flatten out the soft waves of my muggy blue-brown hair. I really needed to dye my hair soon. I just put on my
maroon sweater and a pair of skinny jeans. Based off what Tyler is wearing this is not a formal event. Although he did look pretty handsome. He had on dark skinny jeans and a white v-neck, with a thick black jacket over it. It wasn't much different than his typical clothes but somehow he looks better than usual.
"Everyone get in the car!" Mrs. Joseph's voice rings out through the house. Tyler smiles at me before bending down to tie his shoes. The bed creaks a little with the movement and I wait in the doorway for him. He hurries and soon ensign he is by my side, wrapping an arm around my waist. I smile at the small movement and we walk to the door. They have, what I like to call, a mom van. There's just enough room for all of us and me and Tyler have to squeeze into the back. The rest of the family is seated in front of us so it isn't terribly awkward.
"Is everyone here?" His dad asks and all of us mumble some form of yes. The car begins to drive and I realize I'm confined to this car for upwards of an hour. Apparently Aunt Jude lives far away but 'the drunk dancing is really worth it.' I'm assuming it's Aunt Jude who does the drunk dancing.
We eventually got onto the freeway and if the noise wasn't from the siblings fighting there was definitely noise from the parents bickering about the GPS. Honestly I just think it's cute the only thing Tyler's parents fight about are small things like this.
Tyler's hand had found its way to rest of my thigh and it made me feel on edge. Not a bad feeling, it's just that I'm not particularly fond of blushing. I let my head rest on his shoulder and occasionally he'd give my thigh a squeeze, usually resulting in my heart speeding up.
This physical contact only reminds me that we haven't kissed since we started talking again. I mean maybe it's confusing with Jenna but they were never officially together. The only thing they have ever done is flirt and hang out. Plus I'm pretty sure if Tyler was kissing her Mrs. Joseph would have definitely asked about her when I came home with him. Also a legitimate girlfriend would at least text her boyfriend to ask if he's okay. None of that had happened so I'm assuming they just had a flirtstionship.
Maybe I should make sure.
"Tyler?" I ask to make sure he can hear me.
"Yeah?"
"We're you and Jenna ever really together," I question and keep my eyes trained forward.
"Oh no I would only ever flirt with her," Tyler responds before letting out a sigh. "And for the record I was always planning on getting back together with you. I just wanted to be mad for a while."
I don't really have a response other than 'okay' and we continue our ride without speaking. I don't really blame Tyler for anything that's happened. All of this has been because of me and he was right to be mad. He was allowed to be mad. I can only be glad that he isn't real mad about it anymore, or at least he's okay with me.
After a few minutes Tyler moved to grab my hand and intertwines his fingers with mine. I smile and keep my head resting on his shoulder. His thumb traces small circles on top of my hand and that's the only movement besides the random jolt from bumps in the road.
We eventually reach Aunt Jude's which is a large two story house with a lot Christmas decorations in the front lawn. There's even animatronics and music blasting from a hidden speaker. Tyler and I stay behind the rest of his family and our hands swing between us. We get to the porch and the parents knock on the door before a blonde woman opens it. Kelly and who I would assume to be Jude hug before she starts greeting the rest of the family.
"Oh look you kids have grown so much in a year!" She exclaims as her eyes move over the siblings. Then her eyes land on me, then Tyler, and back to me again. "Tyler who is this lovely girl?" She asks before walking towards us and a smile stays on her face.
"Oh Aunt Jude this is Alice," she smiles at me and holds her hand out. I gladly shake it and return the smile, she seems nice enough. But then again it seems the whole family is nice.
"Well Alice you and Tyler definitely make a stunning couple, now everyone inside!" She turns on her heel and leads us in while I let the word 'couple' swirl around my head.
Are we even a couple once again?
Tyler tugs me along into the large house where there are a ton of people. Like maybe up to 50 and it seems we are the last family to arrive. There's even more Christmas music playing inside and the front room has a large archway that leads to the living room. I think the living room is practically half of the first floor. It seemed right when we got inside that the rest of Tyler's family somehow disappeared, probably to the kitchen or to greet everyone else. Thankfully for me Tyler is not fond of talking to all his relatives so I don't have to worry about socializing.
"What do you want to do?" I ask Tyler and look up at him. We are the only ones in the front room now and we stand in the middle of it on the rug.
"I don't know. I don't really want to go hang out with everyone just yet," Tyler mumbles and I nod before leaning more into his side. He lets go of my hand to wrap an arm around me and I place mine around his waist. It was just relaxing to stand with him while the music filtered out to the room and it was just us. Tyler and I stood just like this for a few minutes until someone came into the front room. It was a younger woman but she was definitely in her 30: 
"Tyler why aren't you out dancing?" The woman asks and Tyler shrugs in response. She looks disappointed at his lack of enthusiasm and spins the wedding band around her finger.
"Well you two should know come out. They're about to play some slow songs, it'd be nice to see a young couple. It gets tiring watching Grandma Celeste and Grandpa Paul slow dance," she laughs a little and Tyler smiles. "My name is Shelly by the way."
"Alice," I say very quickly and she smiles before telling us to come soon once again and then going back back to the living room.
"Well shall we embark Mr. Joseph?" I ask and look at him with a small smile.
"We shall," he mutters and takes me hand before leading us to the living room. It was filled with people dancing and a large amount of alcohol sitting around. I would totally take some shots but I'm not sure how much Tyler or his family would enjoy that. He leads me through the crowd to the off center just as the song 'Santa Baby' begins playing.
I laugh before placing my hands on Tyler's shoulders and he keeps his on my waist. We sway easily to the music and Tyler pulls me closer to him about halfway through the song. My hips practically dig into his and his nose sometimes brushes against mine. My breath hitches every time his eyes catch mine and I try to avoid his gaze. I swear, my cheeks feel like they could nearly burn off practically.
"You're so cute Alice," Tyler mutters and chuckles lightly.
"Don't patronize me," I whine and keep my eyes trained on our black vans. 'Baby It's Cold Outside' begins playing and we continue our swaying.
"Alice," Tyler whispers and I look up. His brown eyes meet mine and it's almost like I can't look anywhere else. "You're so amazing." He mumbles and his hands move up to my waist. Tyler pulls me even closer to him and my eyes drift closed. Just as his lips are about to touch mine someone starts shouting. I jolt away on instinct and look in the direction of the voice. It's Aunt Jude yelling that the food is done.
"Everyone get to the table outside!" She yells before rushing off to what I would assume is the backyard. I let out a sigh and my arms fall from Tyler's shoulders. He gives me a smile before intertwining our fingers and we join the group of adults moving outside.
The backyard was beautiful actually. There wasn't really any Christmas decor which was kind of relieving actually. Holidays can be suffocating most of the time. There are string lights going across the patio and lights the large table. I spot Tyler's mom and tug him over to that section of the table. I sit between Zack and Tyler while the rest of the families find seats. I find some people staring at me, particularly other teen boys, probably Tyler's cousins, and small children. Tyler places his hand on top of my thigh and that keeps my senses alert. God, why does he have this effect of me?
Eventually everyone gets their food and I have only pasta and mashed potato since the rest had meat in it. The only time Tyler isn't touching me is when he had to eat so thankfully I can relax. I spin pasta onto my fork while conversations erupt around us and the cold barely even gets through my sweater. Sometimes I forget Ohio even has snow, I'm just so used to it being here.
Zack nudges me and I lean over so I can hear him. "You have a crush on my brother." I roll my eyes and Zack snickers before biting into his bread roll.
"For the record, I believe your brother has a crush on me," I whisper back and Zack smiles at me before nodding.
It takes about a half hour for everyone to eat and Aunt Jude brings attention to the front of the table. She stands in front of her chair smiles at all of us.
"Thank you for coming to the party. I know it must be tiring for some of you to drive from so far. I'm just so happy all of you were able to come and we even have a few new faces here tonight. So Merry Christmas to all of you and if you had brought gifts to exchange we will do that once everyone is inside," she explains before disappearing to the inside of the house.
I finish off the rest of my potatoes before I go inside with Tyler. We only brought a gift for Aunt Jude so it shouldn't take us too long before we can leave. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure all these people are great. But Tyler's bed is much better. That sounds so sexual, really I just want to cuddle and sleep.
Tyler takes the small box from his pocket, we had gotten a mood ring. Apparently Aunt Jude had a collection of mood rings and was always looking for more so it seemed suitable. We find the women in the half empty front room and she greets us excitedly.
"Hello dears, you two are just the cutest." She smiles and I lean into Tyler's side. I can't help but smile at her small compliment for us.
"We have a gift for you," Tyler says before handing her the small box wrapped with green and red reindeer. She tears off the paper and opens the cheap velvet box to the small ring. I think that's the happiest I've ever seen someone regarding jewelry.
"Oh I love it. Thank you both so much it's perfect," she slides the ring over one of her fingers and throws the wrapping into a nearby trash can. "Well I'm sure you both have to go home so I will see Tyler soon and Alice I hope I see you soon too. Don't miss the mistletoe at the front door," She disappears and Tyler and I walk to the door we came in a few hours ago. Aunt Jude wasn't lying, there is mistletoe hanging from the ceiling. Tyler stops is directly under it and I turn to face him. He places his hands on my back like earlier and I place my hands on his shoulders again. He smirks a little, something I don't really see much.
"Let's continue from earlier?" He requests and I nod quickly. He pulls me closer like he did before, our noses just brushing against each other. I keep my eyes trained on him until his eyes drift closed. I follow the movement and Tyler's lips move against mine. His hands seem to be clinging for dear life and he pulls me impossibly closer into him. My hands move to the side of his face as if I have to hold him there. Our lips move perfectly just like before and he seems gentle but rough at the same time. Maybe he was as desperate for me as I was for him. He pulls away much too soon and rats his forehead on mine. I let my eyes move up to his and I can't help but smile. Tyler is mine and I'm his. I'm sure that's the best Christmas gift I could have received.
Eventually we finally got to go home and Tyler sat in the back, his hand on my thigh and sometimes lightly pecking my lips. I would be a liar if I said I didn't blush the whole way home.
When we did return I changed into my normal pajamas, one of Tyler's shirts and a pair of sweatpants.
I stayed in his bed until he crawled in next to me. He let me rest my head in his chest and his arms around my waist. It was dark in the room, the only illumination a random string of Christmas lights in the room.
"Alice? Kiss me again please," Tyler mumbles and I move so I'm on top of him. I can't just awkwardly kiss him from below his face. I lean down and meet his lips and Tyler's hands stay at my lower back. Our lips move in sync once more and I can't get enough of him. Tyler is simply addicting and I want to know him in every way possible.
Am I lusting after him? Yes. Am I ashamed? No. Do I think he lusts after me? Yes. Are we going to act on it? Probably not.
Tyler pulls me closer, pressing me against his body. His hands toy with the hem of my shirt and my hands stay on the sides of his face. It seems that minutes go by that are really moments before he's inching my shirt up. I lean back from his lips only to pull my shirt over my head and toss it to the side. Tyler can't keep his eyes off of me before I'm leaning down once more and kissing him. Tyler's hands roam my bare skin and hitches on the fabric of my bra. I move away from his lips to tease the delicate skin of his neck. He lets out a low moan and I can only hope his family can't hear us. How embarrassing would that be?
"Alice," he moans out, as quiet as he can manage. Damn if that is not the hottest thing I've ever heard pass that boys lips. I move back up to his lips and go back to kissing him. He leans up and holds my back as he sits up in the bed. My legs continue straddling him and my hands move to tangled themselves in his hair. I wouldn't stop but he wanted to.
So I stopped. I stopped kissing him. He stopped touching me. He let guilt register in his eyes and it may have been from religion or just that I was so ready and he isn't.
"Alice it's not that I don't want to-" I cut him off by pecking his lips and then getting off of his lap.
"I'm ready when you are Tyler. I don't want you to do something you regret," I tell him and grab my shirt off the floor. I slip it back over my bra and Tyler stays sitting up, watching my movements. I smile at him and go back under the navy covers.
"Tyler we need to sleep, you know Madison will want to wake us up early in the morning." I mumble and he reluctantly slides back down. We return to our original positions and Tyler kisses the top of my head.
"You're the perfect girl," he mumbles into my hair and I let my eyes drift closed. If only I really was a perfect girl.//hey guys I'm back with another update I hope you all like this one. And damn I was getting ready to write smut but I realized I should do that later on in the story since they only just then got back together technically?? Anyways, I'm gonna leave this here and go to bed. I hope you all enjoyed it. BTW I get to go to full frontal live with Alex and Jack on Tuesday and I'm so hyped and I'm ready to mosh during neck deeps set omg. Ok bye.
Stay alive
Kirsty