Existential

Chapter 21

It has been a few days since Christmas and my parents were coming back home tomorrow. That's just amazing isn't it? I had packed all my things that had been lying around the house into my bag that now sits in the corner of Tyler's room. Speaking of Tyler-he seems happier than he has been since I've met him practically. He's spent a lot of time alone in the basement singing and recording and writing more songs. It was really good to hear him doing the thing he loves.
That meant I spent a lot of time with his family the past few days. I learned something that hadn't been mentioned to me within the last six months. Jay in his freshman year of high school and he's a foreign student in England. He's supposed to be coming back for Spring break and is going back to England to finish the school year. I'm still in shock I never learned about him earlier. I mean how do you keep it a secret from your girlfriend you have another brother? Well, he wasn't keeping it a secret, Jay was just never mentioned really.
Right now we're all waiting for Tyler to hurry up and get dressed so we can get lunch. I tap my foot on the floor as I stand in the front room waiting. My sweater hangs loose on my small frame which means it is not going to help me against the cold. After another five minutes passes Tyler finally emerges from his room, apologizing to us about the wait.
After all of us pile into the car and I'm pushing against Tyler to get warm we begin the short journey. The bumpy ride was rather uneventful. Madison and Zack were arguing over something and Tyler was humming to some unknown song. So I kept to myself and tried to preserve as much warmth as I could. We get into the drive thru for Taco Bell and everyone yells there order. Kelly grabs the food from the woman at the window and hands it to Chris before paying for the large order. She begins driving home again and more snow begins falling down. I watch out the window as the small flakes float down and I'm hit with a different kind of bitter cold.
My parents are coming home tomorrow. I can't stay with Tyler. They'll want to talk to me. They'll want to scream at me. Hit me. Threaten me. Lock me away. Do anything they possibly can to make me feel absolutely miserable. I will feel miserable for the remainder of the break from school. I will feel bad again, really bad. Tyler will be busy with his music. Josh will be away in California with his family. I'll have no one. I will spend New Year's locking myself in my room while my parents host a party with the rest of their scumbag friends.
"Alice stop worrying," Tyler whispers, "please."
He knows. Tyler understands I'm worried I'm going to get bad again within the next day. It seems the smallest thing triggers me into my sadness again. I could probably lose my phone and suddenly that would make me want to kill myself. Such miniscule mistakes make me less and less a quality person. More and more imperfections piling on top of each other, covering any good I could possibly do. What's the point if I only ever see myself by my mistakes?
I'm possibly just a mistake. Not meant to be here, only a drag on other people's lives.

I float through the rest of the day. Eat lunch with the family. Laugh at the right times. Hold Tyler's hand on the couch. Watch the stupid television show. Sit alone when Tyler disappears to the basement. Wallow in self pity. Taunt the idea of death. Talk with Zack when he comes into the kitchen. It's dinner time. Scrape the meat from the spaghetti. Wash the dishes. Lie in Tyler's bed while he goes back to the basement. Text Josh, telling him everything is fine. Tyler comes back upstairs. Force a smile, do it for him. Change into Tyler's black v-neck and the sweatpants. Lie in bed. Here comes the questions.

"How are you feeling?"
"What time do you have to leave?"
"Do you want me to walk with you?"
"Are you sure they're coming home at night?"
"What are you going to do?"
"Do they talk to you when they come back?"
"Will you be okay?"
Will you be okay? The question rolls over and over in my mind. Quite honestly, no I won't be okay. But the appropriate response...
"Yeah Tyler I'll be fine," I manage to croak out while staring up at the ceiling. The lights had been out for far too long. Even though I'm in a room with someone demons still manage to find their way to me. I most definitely will not be fine yet the lie passes my lips so easily. I feel bad for not telling him all my fears. It's easier this way though isn't it? No explanations and there's no need to worry another person. Tyler tightens his grip around my waist and turns us so I'm facing him. His brown eyes bore into mine before placing his lips lightly on mine. Tyler pulls away much too soon, the physical contact not distracting me long enough.
"Don't lie to me baby," he whispers and I look away from him. He knows perfectly well. I just don't want to bore him with my problems or make him worry about me.
"I've made it this far haven't I?" I ask and look back up at him. He nods slowly and confusion crosses over his face.
"What's your biggest fear Alice?"
"I feel like you've asked this before," I mumble back and he rolls his eyes.
"Even if I have people change in a short time. What's your biggest fear right now?" He pulls me closer to him so our foreheads touch as he asks me this question. If I had to say what my biggest fear was it'd probably be that I'm alone. Isolated with my thoughts that only scream at me and the only way to eradicate them would probably be death.
"Being alone," I answer simply and keep my eyes anywhere but Tyler. I stare down at the blue fabric that covers us and my fingers play with the back of his shirt. I doubt anything Tyler has to say will keep me from thinking all the things I have been since that snowfall began. I can't help it, I think of the worst before it is ever close to happening.
"I wish I could help but I'm fighting that battle too," he whispers and it's not the response I wanted. I needed to hear he'd never leave me alone. That he'd come when I need him. I'd never have to yearn for company because I will have it. I wanted Tyler to tell me he won't let me be alone with my thoughts. But he didn't and that's what truly bothers me much more than being alone.
**
I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling. Sunlight filters through the dark curtain over the circular window to light up a single segment of my blanket. Even though the sun is still shining outside the thoughts that normally plague me at night flow through my head.
What's the point? I get good grades to go to college to get a degree in something I don't care for so that I can have a job and move away from my parents and then I retire and live a life of doctor visits until I fucking stop breathing. How can one small good moment make up for such a meaningless life? I could have millions of good moments and I don't think it'd even make up for the boring life I'd lead. Anyways what would my good moments even be? I can't imagine Tyler or Josh will stick with me through life, one bad moment. I'd have to live with my parents during high school, another bad moment. I would have a boring job, bad lifestyle. With past habits I'll be an alcoholic, bad habit. I can't see myself ever married or having kids, bad social life. Everything that'll ever make up my life will be bad. Bad, bad, bad. Nothing good ever sticks for too long. There's a reason why smiles fade and frowns cause wrinkles. Happiness isn't permanent and you forever remember your sadness.
The next few hours pass and Tyler hasn't even texted me to ask if I was okay. Maybe that's good though, I won't have to worry about him. I can think of myself and how awful my life will be and continue to tease the idea of death.
I hear the crack of the front door as my parents return home. It's dark outside with snow finally settling to the ground. Their drunken laughs and the slur of their voice as they call me downstairs. I can feel the dread build up inside of me with every step I take outside of the safety of locked doors. My bare feet padding against the ground as I walk to the stairs. I let out a breath and make sure I have my phone on me before beginning the journey downstairs. I walk until I'm at the foot of the stairs where my parents stand. My mother's piercing gaze and my father's intimidating stance always gets to me. I can smell the alcohol rolling off of them and the judgement in their eyes.
"So what did you do while we're gone?" my mother asks and taps her heel on the ground. I shrug and look down before beginning to play with my fingers. My father's rough fingers force my chin up to look him in the eyes.
"Where did you go," he asks, his voice low. I gulp and try to think of the response that'll result in the least bruising.
"I went to Josh's house for Christmas," I mumble. It's not a lie but it's not exactly the truth either.
"Didn't we say you couldn't go anywhere while we were gone!" He shouts and his hands clench into fists. I instinctively flinch and step back from him. This is all so unfair. Practically my whole life has been unfair.
"Answer your father," my mom suddenly snaps.
"Yes," I whisper and stare at the ground.
"You make me so angry Alice! You can't even obey simple fucking rules," my father screams and I feel anger build up inside me. I don't deserve this. "You're so fucking worthless I can't believe we ever try to provide for you. You're a waste of space."
"Then fucking hit me!" I scream, staring right at my father's bloodshot eyes. I keep my arms locked to my side and more anger bubbles up inside of me. He flings a fist directly towards my face and everything goes black. //hey guys I was gonna make this chapter extra long since I made you all wait for so long but I decided to would probably want a chapter sooner than later so hopefully the next one comes sooner and is much longer.
But anyways I got an A on my math test today so I'm super proud and I also have pit tix for me and my best friend for the emotional roadshow next summer. Excitement is an understatement.
I hope you're all doing well and coping with all the past things happening in the world, especially in Paris. Tøp was literally there the day before I can't imagine how it would feel if they were there or what else could have happened.
If any of you ever need anyone to talk to I'm literally always here.
P.S. Sorry for any inconsistencies in my stories I'm writing multiple works at once with more complex characters. So if Jay was mentioned before either ignore it or tell me when you think it happened in the story and I'll try to find and fix it.
Stay alive
Kirsty