Existential

Chapter 23-Finale

I stand in the middle of the barricade as a thousand teenagers push on me from behind. The feeling is exhilarating. I watch my two best friends play their hearts out on stage for the next hour.
They go off stage before the encore and I take another drink from the water I've barely held on to. I make sure my hair is still pulled into the bun on top of my head as the crowd cheers.
"One more song!" The people around me scream and I turn at the barricade just to see all the people here. Normally I would watch from side stage but I never get to feel all the pure energy in the room. The emotions on the main floor with five thousand broken kids in the room is so different than watching from anywhere else.
The lights dim and the crowd screams and I turn back just in time to see Tyler. The opening chords to Goner play and Josh sits at his drums idle. My best friend smiles as Tyler sings the beginning verses before he has to drum. The soft echo of the drums in the speakers bring tears to my eyes along with the lyrics.
We have come so far.
"I'll slip away into the sound," I close my eyes and sway with the crowd. As the song progresses and Tyler's voice grows quiet I can only imagine how the next moment will feel.
The drums blast through the speakers as Tyler screams and I jump with all the kids. I shout the lyrics and watch Tyler with passion showing through his voice.
As the song ends and they go into Trees I wipe any tears from my cheeks. Tyler makes eye contact with me and smiles before turning back to his mic.
"I hope you all had the best night you could have. We truly love playing these shows and it's absolutely amazing to me you sold this place out. There's five thousand of you out there," Tyler looks back out to the crowd. His eyes scan over the top rows of chairs. "I hope you know you're not alone in whatever you're going through."
With that, they begin the final song of the night. Eventually they climb into the crowd for drumming with the kids. Confetti flies everywhere and they climb back on stage. Tyler and Josh put their arms around each other and bow.
"We're twenty one pilots and so are you."
The crowd slowly empties out and I stay at the barricade alone. The wave of emotions flows over me and I suddenly feel like my legs are twenty pounds heavier.
Fuck, I really need to go into the crowd more.
I grab my laminate from my purse and head to the door leading to backstage. I flash the plastic card at security and the large man opens the door for me. I thank him and walk down the long dark hall. I find the door labeled with Tyler's name and open it.
He sits on the couch with his phone in his hand. Knowing him he's probably crawling all over Twitter. I sit in the space next to him and that's when he notices my presence.
"Hey babe," he smiles and presses his lips to my cheek. I smile and grab onto his hand that's not tapping away at his phone.
"Good show tonight. I feel absolutely dead, how do those kids do it and stand in line all day too?" I question and lean back to stare at the ceiling.
"I wish we could take them everywhere with us y'know?" Tyler mumbles as he turns off his phone. I play with the wedding band on his finger and lean my head on his shoulder.
"This is all kind of surreal to think about though Tyler." I say.
"We went from moving into an apartment together after senior year, taking my parents to court, you forming a band with Chris and Nick before having Josh come in, making Regional At Best, signing to Fueled, all that fucking Blurryface promo work," I smile and lean closer to Tyler before continuing. "We got married this year Tyler. I really became Alice Joseph after, what  eight years of being together? I think we have come really far together Tyler."
"Why are you being sappy today Mrs. Joseph," Tyler questions and I lean back to scoff at him.
"I think I'm allowed to be sappy whenever I please."
After two hours of sitting around and waiting for Tyler and Josh to come out to the tour bus I get impatient. As much as I love sitting in the bus watching Disney movies I wanted to see my boys. I get off the couch in the front lounge and walk over to the door. I walk out and immediately hear a chorus of teenagers yelling 'Alice' from the barricades around the buses. I turn and wave to them and one of them is actually crying. Why is she crying right now?
I walk closer to the barricade in the direction of the girl and she smiles at me.
"Hi Alice!" She yells and I smile at her.
"What's your name?"
"Sammy, I really love you like-who you are. Tyler is so lucky to have you and I just love all the things you do," the girl goes on a long rant. Mentioning my volunteer work with drug prevention courses, To Write Love on Her Arms, and Music Saves Lives. After Sammy finishes I only have one question for her.
"Well are you happy that you are alive?" She nods vigorously and a smile stretches across her lips.
"Remember this feeling right now because I promise you there will be times where you don't know how to be happy. I want you to remember you can be happy and you can especially be happy to be breathing. Thank you Sammy for being alive."
I say hello to a few more people after we say goodbye and head into the venue. Tyler and Josh are prepping to meet the kids so I head back into the bus. A few hours pass by and finally my husband and best friend come stumbling in. Tyler kisses me before heading to the bunk area and Josh sits down next to me.
"Y'know red might be my favorite color on you Joshua," I mention after toying with a piece of his hair. Josh rolls his eyes and drinks from the red bull in his hand.
"Will you ever stop calling me Joshua?"
"No. I will forever sound like your mother." Josh laughs and then pulls at the sleeves of his sweater. Josh still hasn't managed to effectively treat his social anxiety. He still wears big clothes and looks down a lot. He's not too talkative but when he is he rambles on and on. It's really nice when he rambles, I like hearing what is on his mind. I don't know how he managed meeting a hundred kids every night.
"I'm really proud of you," I mention and Josh smiles again.
"Thanks Alice. I'm proud of you too," Josh replies and looks away from me. We talk for an hour or so and at 4 in the morning I decide to sleep, after all and we still have to drive to the next show. Josh and I say goodnight and I change my clothes. The A.J. sweatpants and a Blink-182 shirt that's just too big.
I crawl into the bunk where Tyler is lightly snoring and get under the covers. I wrap my arm around him and get myself curled into his chest. Although my attempts at not waking him up were a failure. Tyler's eyes open and his arm goes around my waist.
"Hey Alice," he greets in his groggy voice.
"Go to sleep Ty," I whisper and he grunts.
"Let's have a night talk like we used to when we first started dating."
"We always talked about depressing stuff Ty," I remind him and he shrugs the best he can in the small space.
"So then let's be depressing."
"Alright Tyler. What's on your mind?"
"Is it bad I still think about dying?" Tyler whispers and I can hear that underlying pain in his voice.
"No. You're allowed to because it's part of having mental illness. I mean, it'd be amazing if you didn't think about it anymore but it'll take a lot more work than we have put in already."
"How about you Alice?"
"No. I haven't. Not since the Quiet is Violent tour."
"That's good Alice. Do you ever think of how we met? I mean that's kind of a weird story to tell people," Tyler chuckles a little at the end and I cover my face with my hands. I don't like bringing that up and it's slightly embarrassing. Tyler talked about it at the wedding and it was the worst thing ever. Everyone thought it was funny but it was just something I never liked telling people. I mean I met my husband because I wanted to ruin his life, that's not typical.
"I try to not Tyler, that's just embarrassing."
"Well you know I tell people I let you do it because I thought you were cute. But I was petrified of you."
"I don't want you to be scared of me Ty."
"I'm not. The only thing I could be scared of is losing you. This amazing woman who has gone through so much but is still here and has helped me so much more than she will understand. That one month of being scared of you was obviously worth it.  I'm happy you chose to ruin my life, but you kind of just made it much better."
"I love you Tyler. I love you so much," I turn so I can press my lips to his. He smiles into the kiss and I move back so I can see him smile. I love his smile so much. The way his eyes light up and the dimples on his cheeks. He is beautiful. I love him more than anything.
"I don't know what I would've done without you," I whisper and press another quick kiss to his lips.
"I love you Alice. I love you and everything you ever do."
After that we settle down and I go to sleep. I dream of the past. I dream of making fun of Tyler, having his journal burnt, bringing vodka to that playground, Tyler taking me in and helping me, Zack teasing us, sleeping in Tyler's bed, the first time I ran to his house when my parents came home, our first fight which resulted in a break up, Tyler on that stupid fucking bridge, kissing Tyler finally at that Christmas party, really everything contains Tyler. I can't think of a time I was happy that didn't have Tyler in it.
The future is something I can only hope will hold good things. I'm sure with Tyler everything will be okay. //hey guys. Kirsty here obviously. Sorry this took so long to publish and it's not that long but I think it's a nice way to end it. I hope you all enjoyed it (or hated it) but I'm glad people have been reading it. Writing these stories gives me something to do and distract me from a lot. The next story to look out for is going to be called Captivate Me and will be much longer. It's a Josh Dun AU but has Tyler and 15 other band members as characters. I think you guys would like it. Anyways I'll make a longer Authors Note and thank you thing sometime this week. I love all of you and thanks for sticking around.
Stay Alive
Kirsty