18 - When Guilt Meets Grief

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"Welcome back home." Everyone congratulated Grandma, handing her seven bouquets of flowers that filled the room with a vibrant burst of colors and a sweet fragrance. The house was alive with the warmth of her return and everyone gathered in the living room before Jay served them the drinks he made. 

For the last two hours, Y/N watched him make special drinks for each of them, wanting to ensure that Grandma's homecoming was truly extraordinary. "This is wonderful." She patted his back, letting him sit next to her. "Thank you for being here." 

"It's good to see back here, Grandma." Jake smiled, raising his glass as a toast. The clinking of glasses resonated through the room, making all of them smile happily. "To Grandma's return." 

It's been a week since the accident and everyone had been eagerly waiting for her discharge. Y/N and Jay spent a few nights with her at the hospital, squeezed into a little bed they had pulled right next to hers. They would stay up late, take turns reading her favorite books and telling her stories to keep her spirits up. Jay even brought in his laptop once to play her old classic movies.

"You like Jay, don't you?" After staying with Grandma for a while, they went upstairs to stay at Jay's place for a while before they left. Harin and Y/N were in the kitchen while the guys gathered in the living room. Harin leaned against the kitchen counter when Y/N looked up from the cup of tea she was preparing, a soft smile playing on her lips. 

"It's hard not to like Jay. He's a truly wonderful person."

"I'm not talking about that, Y/N. I'm talking about how your eyes light up when you look at him." She sighed, a fond smile tugging at her lips. "I know he's been an incredible friend to you. But there's something more, isn't there?"

"I've never really thought about it, to be honest. There's so much going on." Y/N stirred her tea absentmindedly, wondering if she actually liked Jay. Her heart did skip a beat when she was around him, but she hadn't truly considered what that might mean. "But Harin, you do like Jay, right?"

"Yes. He's the perfect gentleman and he makes you feel like the most important person in the world. I wanted to confess but now I don't think I would. Not when he looks at you like that."

Y/N's eyes dropped to her tea, a faint blush creeping up her cheeks. "Like what?"

"Like you're the only person in the room, like he genuinely cares about what you're saying and how you're feeling. The way his eyes linger on you, it's... well, it's not just the way a friend looks at another friend. I know he likes you. Since you came here, he's smiling more, laughing more genuinely and he's been paying extra attention to you."

Staring down at her tea, Y/N could remember the way his eyes seemed to hold a certain warmth and sincerity whenever they locked onto hers. The way he held her gaze a little longer than necessary, the way he made her feel seen and understood without needing to say a word, all of it came rushing back with a new significance. And it scared her.

It's been almost five months since her boyfriend of six years passed away in a tragic accident, and there she was, slowly opening her heart to the possibility of someone new. Y/N hadn't expected to feel this way again, especially not so soon. The grief was still there, making her wonder if it was fair to feel that way. 

Jay was aware of her past, of the loss she had suffered, and he had never pushed her for more than she was ready to give. He had been patient and understanding, giving her the space she needed to heal while also being there for her. Y/N appreciated that more than she could express, but she couldn't know if she'd ever be able to fully move on. The idea of letting someone else into her heart felt like a betrayal to Sungho whose fault had been entirely not to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Harin's words became a blur as Y/N's mind raced through the thoughts that were slowly guiding her towards an unfamiliar crossroad of emotions. The concept of moving forward, of allowing someone else into her heart, was like standing at the edge of the world, both exhilarating and terrifying.

She didn't realize it until they were sitting along with everyone, the cup of tea clutched between her palms, untouched and cooling. "Are you okay?" Jay's voice made her look up, his concerned eyes locking onto hers.

Y/N managed a small smile, hoping to reassure him even as her heart raced. "Yeah, I'm okay." Looking away, she watched the others chat for a while before they eventually left, leaving her sitting there before she decided to go out and take a walk. It was late at night, but the streets were quiet and the city lights cast a soft glow on the pavement. Y/N's steps were slow, each footfall echoing the cautious rhythm of her thoughts.

Jay was still home, probably not aware of her solitary walk. She didn't want him to worry about her, but she also knew she needed this time alone to sort through her feelings. As she walked, she found herself in front of the park where Jay was sitting the other day. Sitting on a bench, she gazed at the stars above, the same stars that had once witnessed her love story.

"I miss you." She pulled her knees to her chest, whispering into the darkness. "I'm sorry for wanting to move on. I'm sorry for even considering the idea of someone else in my life." Her guilt met her grief and it turned into something overwhelming, washing over her like waves against the shore.

She closed her eyes, feeling the cool breeze brush against her skin like a gentle caress. And in that moment, it felt as if Sungho was listening, understanding. Y/N wasn't going to forget him, she just wanted to live. 

Time seemed to stand still as Y/N sat there, lost in her thoughts and emotions. The night wrapped around her like a comforting blanket, cradling her heartache and her hopes. But then someone called her name and she opened her eyes in surprise. There, standing a few feet away, was Jay. He was panting, his eyes filled with concern as he looked at Y/N sitting on the bench.

"Jay..." Y/N was caught off guard, not expecting Jay to be there. She quickly wiped away a tear that had escaped her eye and managed a small, embarrassed smile. "Why are you-"

"Do you know how long I've been looking for you?" The way he raised his voice made her flinch. Jay was never one to get so frustrated or agitated easily, but his concern and worry made him feel like he'd been searching for an eternity. 

She stammered, trying to find the right words. "I... I just needed some air. I didn't think it would take so long."

"Y/N, I just..." continued, his voice softer now as his worry transformed into a more vulnerable expression. He took a moment to catch his breath, his eyes still locked onto hers. "I thought something bad happened to you and the thought made my heart race. I didn't know what to do with myself." She watched him walk closer, crouching down in front of her before placing his forehead on her lap.

"I'm sorry," Y/N whispered, her fingers instinctively threading through Jay's hair as she tried to soothe his anxieties. "I just needed to be alone." 

He lifted his head, his eyes searching hers. "You could have told me. I would have given you the space you needed while still making sure you were safe. Y/N, I care so much about you that the thought of you being hurt or upset tears me apart."

She looked at him, really looked at him, and saw the sincerity in his eyes. The warmth, the genuine concern – they were all there, just as Harin had described. Her heart began to beat a little faster, not out of fear, but out of something else, something new and unfamiliar.

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