Seoul was as cruel and unforgiving as ever. While she loved being with her family, she couldn't shake the feeling that something important was missing from her life. It wasn't long before she found herself yearning for the slower, more meaningful days she had experienced in Busan.
The bustling streets, the honking of cars, and the constant rush of people made her feel like a stranger in her own hometown. Her boss asked her to come back to work and she did, trying to resume the life she had temporarily left behind in Seoul.
"Mom, I'm going to work," She called out as she grabbed her briefcase and headed for the door. Her mother looked up from the kitchen and gave her a smile before Y/N stepped out into the chaotic Seoul streets. They greeted her with their usual chaos, and she tried to lose herself in the daily grind, burying her longing for Busan deep within her heart.
Jay would text her every day, every night, and they would talk on the phone whenever they could steal a few moments from their busy lives. But it all wasn't enough to fill the void that had opened up within her. Y/N only felt guilty for leaving him and couldn't shake the thought that maybe she had made a mistake by returning to Seoul. Her heart was torn between two cities, two lives, and two loves.
Day after day, Y/N followed the same routine, trying to convince herself that this was the life she was meant to lead. "Y/N, how are you?" Her friends would ask, and she would reply with a forced smile, saying she was fine. But deep down, she knew she wasn't.
"Do you miss Sungho?" One of her friends boldly asked one evening when they went out drinking. The others nudged his arm but he persisted with a curious expression, waiting for Y/N's response. Sungho was their friend too, and she knew that they were all curious about the whole situation even if they never pried.
"I do." She took a sip of her beer and let out a sigh. "But I'd like to think that he's in a better place."
"But how can you live and laugh when he's not here?" His words made everyone gasp and Y/N just looked down. "Sungho, our friend and your boyfriend of six fucking years passed away and you just moved on?"
"Jungho, you're drunk. Stop saying things you don't understand," Another friend said while trying to make Jungho stand up from his seat. "Come on, you really need some fresh air to come to your senses."
"No, I'll just leave. I'm sorry." Y/N managed to find her voice, her sadness turning into frustration. She pushed her chair back and left the table, her friends calling after her, but she needed some space to gather her thoughts. Outside, the night air was cool against her skin, and she took a few deep breaths to calm herself. She knew Jungho was well-meaning, but his comment had reopened wounds she had been working hard to heal.
She wandered through the quiet streets until she found herself at a park bench overlooking the Han River. The gentle sound of water flowing and the soft glow of city lights reflected on its surface made her remember all those times when Sungho had held her hand as they watched the river together. It was moments like these that she missed the most.
Y/N sighed, feeling a tear trickle down her cheek. She knew she hadn't "moved on" in the way Jungho had implied. Her love for Sungho would always be a part of her and she would always miss him with a depth that was hard to put into words. She wasn't just grieving his loss; she was grieving for the life they had planned together, the future they had imagined. And she was also grieving for herself, for the choices she had to make to move forward.
"I'll be fine." Wrapping her arms around herself, she whispered those words into the quiet night, even if she wasn't entirely convinced of them.
With the city around her gradually falling into a peaceful slumber, Y/N was making her way back home when her phone rang. Startled, she fumbled to answer it, and the voice on the other end instantly made her heart skip a beat. It was Jay.
"Hi," He spoke softly and she leaned against a lamppost, closing her eyes for a moment. "I was thinking of you and wanted to hear your voice. How are you doing?"
She smiled despite the lingering sadness. Jay had a way of making her feel better, even from miles away."I'm... I'm okay. How are you?"
"I'm doing well, I just miss you." He paused for a moment while she looked at her feet and kicked a pebble on the ground. "I can tell something's on your mind, sunshine. What's wrong?"
"It's nothing," Her voice trailed off for a moment before she sighed. "I was just thinking... and sometimes, thinking a lot can be overwhelming. But I'm fine. You're at work, right? How's Heran and Sunghoon?"
"They're good, although they miss you a lot too. They're still bitter you left without telling them goodbye." She smiled bitterly at his words, her heart heavy. "But, Y/N, you don't have to hide your feelings from me. If you're sad, just say it. If you're overwhelmed, it's okay to admit it. You don't have to put on a brave face for my sake. I know you and I know when something's bothering you.
"I'm really okay, you don't have to worry." She looked up, trying to stop her tears from falling down her cheeks. "You should go back to work. I'll be fine, I promise."
"Sunshine," Y/N could tell from Jay's tone that he was worried and she wondered if that's all she'd ever make him feel. He already had a lot on his plate and she just added to it with her own struggles. "I'm only a call away, okay?" She hummed in response and eventually hung up, feeling as if she was standing in the middle of a bridge between two worlds.
She stepped inside her house where everyone was sleeping and silently made her way to her room, closing the door behind her before she slowly lay on her bed. Y/N felt like a line without a hook, floating between two shores, never quite anchored in either. Reaching for her phone, she held it and stared at Jay's name on the screen, and with trembling fingers, she blocked his number. It was a painful decision, one that felt like cutting a piece of her heart away. But she knew Jay didn't deserve a guilty love, a love that she couldn't fully give. It was unfair to him, just as it was unfair to herself.
As she deleted the number from her contacts, she whispered an apology to the empty room, hoping that Jay would someday understand her reasons for doing so.
It was two in the morning and Y/N cried for the love she had lost and the love she had pushed away.
