Please hold my hand || Daryl Dixon

24.

Blankly my eyes scan the blood stained pavement underneath my torn shoes for the twenty seventh time. The sound of Daryl's motorcycle engine growl as it starts up, then quickly the sound fades as he drives off with Maggie on the back of it.

So quick he was to bitterly dry his weeping tears, jumping right into action for Lori's daughter. He left, me in the dust as the motorcycle that was once his brothers kicked up and drove away, quite literally running from his problems.

I had known that's who he is. He doesn't understand his emotions and so he brushes them off to rot away. His brother didn't let him express how he felt, and he still acts as if Merle is in his ear calling him some insults for crying.

You can't be confident in guessing how someone will react to a situation, no one is the same. Daryl is grieving- almost similarly to how I plan on doing it.

But how come he couldn't stay to at least comfort me with the loss of our daughter? I get Daphne isn't his blood, but you'd think there would be more from the man who helped me while giving birth, who helped me raise her for the most part.

Everything else is a dull ringing in my ear. The short breaths of air make me feel sick and dizzy. All of a sudden I can feel every undried drop of sweat on my forehead. I can't be out here- not with the sun, not with the sorrowful passed around faces and definitely not with that baby.

Wordlessly I swallow my frown and stumble towards the door, using the wall to keep myself upright as I genuinely don't trust my brain to send the right signals to the rest of my body right now.

Making my way to the cell- because that's what it is and that's all it'll ever be. Kicking around what I don't need and stuffing the bare essentials in a tiny bag.

Glenn stops me from leaving the cell just as I'm about to leave. "Move."

He shakes his head, a doleful shadow on his face. "I can't do that."

Feeling the lump in my throat scratch up my voice I clear my it, steadying my voice. "Glenn. Move." I shake the bag back onto my shoulder as it slid off.

"You can't leave. We need you." He pleads.

"I need to not be here right now." I point the the ground.

"It's okay if you need to mourn-"

"I'm not going to be mourning my daughter when she isn't dead." Call it the denial faze, I'll call it a sliver of peace in my mind that stops me from completely losing everything I've built for myself.

"Can you at least wait until Daryl gets back? Please?" Glenn sighs. The poor kid seems overwhelmed, he clearly sees how since Rick isn't in the right mind space that him and Daryl will be partially responsible now. His girlfriend just delivered the baby that had inadvertently killed Lori and Maggie no doubt is still processing that. He has a lot going on right now, and truth be told I would be lying if I said I didn't have some sympathy for him.

But my daughter is missing. Daryl ran off the second things got tough. I have wounds that still need to be stitched. And standing in this cell churns the contents in my stomach from breakfast.

Everyone is being dragged through the mud, and every single living person is going through things way bigger than themselves. Glenn will deal with his shit, I'll deal with mine, Rick will deal with his, and so on and so forth for the rest. Just because there's a little bit of sympathy I have for Glenn doesn't mean I'm all of a sudden going to drop everything on my plate to make room for his stuff. He's a big boy, he can handle it.

But my daughter? Who's gonna handle things for her?

I bite back the fresh tears I can feel pushing up. How am I supposed to do this? I'm not a tracker like Daryl and even if I was how am I supposed to follow tire marks that match ten others that have driven down the same road? And the chances of those streaks still being there?

My daughter is anywhere by now, in the arms of a stranger, crying for me.

Is this how I fail as a mother? When I think about how I felt seeing her for the first time my world opened up and possibilities galore paced my mind. How do I keep the fire that pushes me into searching for my daughter when it's all a nightmare now. My entire being is crumbling from the inside out as I stand here doing nothing. My daughter being pulled further and further from me- I can feel it in my bones, in my heart and soul.

I can't do anything. I'm not going to be able to find her. And I push that away as I deny it again. I don't care. I'll be searching far and wide until I either physically can't anymore or get torn apart by walkers. And that's just the urge to check up on her to make sure she's not harmed.

I don't think that guy knew just what he was doing when he took her. I think he thought that he was taking a baby, revenge maybe. But it was so much more than that. He might have well just killed me, because he followed every step to do so missing the part he makes sure my heart stops permanently. Instead, it's just been beating unsteadily.

"Is this some sort of sick joke, Glenn? What do you expect Daryl to do? Is he going to bring my baby to me?" He drops his head, not looking me in the eye anymore. "My baby, Glenn! My daughter! She's gone! Rick is going out of his mind, Hershel is on one leg, Carol and T are missing, Lori is dead- do you think I'm going to get the same sort of search party that Carol got?" I step back as everything blurs, streaks of light changes my sight as the tears unfocused my vision. "The odds- the possibility-" I run my hands down my face, not being able to finish my sentence.

My back harshly comes in contact with the cold, unforgiving wall behind me and I lose my stability. I slide down the wall.

I turn my head, the world spins around me. My hands in front of me double as my eyes unfocus before snapping back all again. My breathing sounds deep in my ears and the thrumming of my heart leaves me worried.

Like a filter in front of me; slow motion, Glenn kneels down by my side, waving a hand at my face. "Nina?" Suddenly his voice is being called from above, my ears blocking it out as if I'm underwater.

"Beth! Hershel!"

I've never had the chance of being on drugs before, but if I had to guess, all of this would probably be close. I think if I have to die now, this is a decent way to go. Dealing with all that's happened has me overwhelmed, that's what this is. I want to see the world burn now, everything up in flames. My last wish is for all of it to end, and everything that has destructed our lives to burn with it all.

"Nina, Nina?"

There's nothing for me here anymore. And if I've earned the opportunity to go to heaven then selfishly, I hope I see Daphne there and we can live the life we never go to properly.

"Nina!"