This chapter is for @Athennnaaai for the idea of this chapter, Thank you so much!
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Panic attack, assault and abuse warning!
Natasha's point of view
After the last clip and a little persuasion and maybe a little threating I managed to convince 764a to give us a break.
I ran to the bathroom and locked the door because I knew Yelena would come after me which is what makes her amazing but right now I wish she wasn't so good to me.
I lean on the door as I feel my body shaking rapidly, my vision becomes blurry as a waterfall covers my eyes, my whole body feels like its caving on its self and I can't breath like I'm drown but I'm not underwater.
I hold my arms tightly begging my body not to break. "Нет, пожалуйста, нет," I beg "Как ты вообще собирался сделать это в мире, если ты слаб и эмоционален?" I repeat the words Ive been told my whole life. (No please no, How you ever supposed to make it in the world if your weak and emotional)
I HATE how they still work. I HATE that no matter how hard I try they still control me. I HATE that I'm still a pawn and I HATE how everyone will only ever see me as a monster.
I close my eyes as I try to sollow the tears as they beg for reslise but I can't lose, I never lose I always get it done.
I walk over to the sink arching over it my hands on each side of the basen as my legs have already failed me. I look up at the mirror and I see a girl probably in her late teenage years, her hair is a urban red colour like blood as its tied up in tight braids that frame her flat and empty face and her eyes...
Her eyes are like the ones I see everyday but these ones are filled with fear, guilt, pain and have lost their light anyform of hope clearly left them ages ago. But there covered with a flat emtionless shield. Natalia. Shes me and that will never change.
I see why all the people out there the people I wanted to be my family see me as a monster a M-O-N-S-T-E-R Natasha and Natalia will alway be one in the same no matter much I try to hide her Natalia will always be there to show me that no one will ever love me and that I will never have a place in the world.
I see a familiar face walk up to my reflection I jolt turning around she's not here but she's smiling from the mirror. Madame B. "See no matter what I will all ways have you around my little finger Natalia" she says a knife to Natalia's- my throat. "Say it with me widow 'I have no place in the world or anyones elses I'm worseless'" She orders.
I'm about to say it back when a image of Yelena smiling from when I said I liked her vest pops into my head she's my world. When I don't answer so Madame B pushes the knife closer to my throat and I swear I can feel it. "Say it" my former instructor orders. I grab out the photo strip from Yelena's vest my hands shaking as I look at Yelena face.
