Some decisions are so hard to make. Three days ago, I never knew I would come across a situation like this. When you are standing at one end and you don't know what's on the other side of the bridge.
I just couldn't decide.
A week since I had gone to Uncle Yahya's and a week since I was in a dilemma. Once he comes to know about me, he would never, even in his sleep, spurt out these words.
What was there to decide anyway? I wasn't worth the 1% of the love they were showering me, and now this.
I tossed in my bed and turned to the other side, facing the side lamp, which had a picture of me with my parents. My mind drifted to my walidain on its own, and then a string of thoughts made its way on my life, ending on that one girl.
Unknowingly, I was thinking about Hania and unconsciously hurting myself again. Every time I would lay leisurely, guilt and trauma would envelop me.
***
I shovelled the snow away from the doorway. The temperature currently was 4 degrees below the scale. I tucked the shovel away in a corner of the garage.
There was an inside door in the garage that led to the hallway of the house, I used that and got in. I sauntered towards the kitchen and tore open the grocery bags, taking out all the necessities and food items that I had bought last night.
My kitchen was fully empty. No one could say that a 27 years old lived here. Because almost I came here only to spend the night, during the daytime I was either out on the roads sulking or at my cafe or at mosque listening to Imam Sahib.
From the phrase, on the roads sulking, I, by any means, didn't mean that I would aimlessly be just toiling away but in fact I walked from street to street and explored stores, tried different foods, met new people and bought myself jackets, only to stash them away and not wear them.
There was this one little cute coffee shop that also served books to you whilst you were sipping on to your coffee, relaxing your nerves. I found this thing so fascinating. Once I wasn't feeling any better, they handed me a poetry book along with my order. The lines I read on the first page were so comforting that it instantly warmed me and shooed away all the negative thoughts that were bugging me.
It was for a few minutes, but I was under the charm, the slow lofi music in the background, the mesmering rich taste of coffee, and the book in my hand. This combination distracted me in a way that when I was coming out, I couldn't even remember what I was worried about.
I proudly looked at the stuffed cupboards that I had just jammed with the grocery and started to close them one by one.
I looked at the kitchen counter, and there were still so many things lying there asking for a place to stow them away.
I wanted to facepalm myself for why I had bought colourful little towels, soaps with fruity smell, strawberry flavoured toothpaste, and a-- broom? What was the need of a broom when you already had a vacuum cleaner? I also bought myself three colourful mugs as well just because I found them cute.
I sighed.
"You really need a wife to take care of this mess!"
I muttered to myself, and suddenly, I was back to the words Uncle Yahya had requested me with.
***
