back to you | paul atreides

forty eight

I want to say that I was back on my feet quickly and I joined Paul in directing the war efforts to help defend the Fremen, but that would be a lie. The truth is I wasn't much help to anyone or anything. In fact, I didn't even do anything for what felt like hours. The most I had done was tell Paul about Alia, in which that case he already knew and assured me she was fine, so even that was useless.

Once Paul had let me go, I just sat down and existed for hours. People were yelling over my head and running back and forth, but all I could do was sit still and stare at my feet. I play over everything. I played over every moment with Leto I could remember. I played over his birth and his first words. I thought about my favourite moments at night when I would try to tuck him into bed but he would never let go of my finger. I tried to remember how he felt in my arms every time I cuddled him, and once I imagined that feeling I couldn't find it in myself to stop imagining. I wanted to feel Leto forever.

My father came by to talk to me. So did Jessica. So did a few other people, but it didn't change how I felt. Or what I was doing. I continued to stare at the floor and play over my emotions and memories. I could care less if people judged me for it. I almost forgot we were in the middle of a war, and I was meant to be concerned for the lives of my loved ones.

Time came and went so fast. Paul came up to me a kneeled, taking my face in his hands.

"I need to go, Lia." He kissed my forehead. "I will be back, I promise. Take care of yourself here, but if you'd like to join the fight you are more than welcome to."

I nodded, not really processing his words. I wondered what I had done to deserve his patience and understanding despite the circumstances. He kissed me again before standing up and walking away.

I wondered how I could be this useless. It was as if everyone around me was packing and preparing for this big trip I wasn't attending. Actually, that's exactly what this was. 

I blinked and looked around the camp. There were little to no more people left, the majority of the Fremen had begun making their way to the battle field to fight the Harkonnens. The guilt began to swallow me. I was ready to let my brothers and sisters die, and not even be there myself.

The Fremen were fighting for their land right now. There was a war going on, and for some reason, I had the privilege of walking away from it. I thought of my family, and how every person I cared about was out risking their lives. Why was I still here? How could I be here? I had to fight with them. I had to keep them safe.

I had to snap out of it. I was grieving but I couldn't be selfish right now. I had to join my people. I pushed myself up and grabbed one of the blades off a side table and took off running in the direction of the fighting.

The camp I was previously in was set up close to the battlefield, and it didn't take me long to find it as I could hear the sounds of war cries and fighting as I approached.