Retrograde Motion [SCP X Reader]

Interlude 2.1: Doctor AU

TW suicide in two scenes (one begins at "The first time you held a knife to your throat, your hands trembled" and the other at "You were here again, sitting on the cold")

Hello! This is an AU of Retrograde Motion that you may be familiar with if you've been on my Tumblr. This is mostly the backstory of what occurs in that AU. My original plan for interlude 2 was to have 3 AUs mashed into one for an interlude but umm I'm not done the other ones so have only Doctor AU as a treat.

No I'm not back into SCP I wrote most of this back when I was and no I don't know when I'll post the next actual chapter.

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|| Avoidance Written in Sanguine Ink (you'd let the papers burn before you'd let them be found) ||

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Your youth was riddled with confusion and deja vu.

Between the ever-constant feeling of falling and never quite knowing what was wrong, you were oh-so utterly lost in your head. You would see things, at times. The occasional monster lurking in the shadows, people who didn't quite look right, the casual unease of a little too perfect artifacts sitting so innocently. Your mother had said that you had an overactive imagination. You disagreed.

Still, you said nothing. You understood, after the first few times, that no one would believe you. The deja vu would kill you one day maybe. You didn't know. You were meant to be a child, after all, even if it didn't feel like it. Even if everything felt familiar, even if it felt like you were going through the same motions over and over again, you would bite your tongue and smile.

(So what if your teeth drew blood and nobody ever quite met your eyes directly. You were here and you were alive.)

At the tender age of 10, you almost drowned.

No, rather, it was more accurate to say you did drown, you just didn't remember until later. You were terrified when you crawled out of the coursing river and you were terrified when you stumbled home, knowing there was something under the water. You knew you should have died. Yet, here you were, alive even as you arrived at your home, shivering, with water clinging to your clothes.

Of course, you caught a cold right after.

It all went downhill from there. You were stuck in bed for a week, your body in constant feverish turmoil while your mind spun and spun. In between your time spent awake and asleep, you found the pieces that were missing from your mind. The bits and strands of forgotten memories that were buried underneath.

One day, you woke up with your mind cleared. You remembered who you were.

The first thing you did after remembering was vomit into the trash can.

Admittedly, not the best reaction to abruptly gaining memories of your past life but in your defence, you spent 10 entire years feeling like nothing was right. You had also spent the last 10 years dying over and over again without remembering a single time. Wasn't that a revelation? Even after your first death in your original world (a place you would never return to ever again), you continued to live and die in this one.

You should be dead, more times than once.

It was clear now, why everything felt the way it did. You were dancing so close to death and time, the memories of your hands, slick with your own blood branded into your mind. You were 10 yet also not. There was little to be done in this world that was not yours, these abilities that you didn't wish for, and memories that had ruined you. Fate had weaved its tapestry with you in its story.