I leant gently on the cars window, feeling the gentle bumps of the rocky road. I was quiet for the journey so was Tilly, my sister, my worrier, we hadn't spoken a single word when I was packing to leave, or when we left the house, or when we got in the car. We would just give each other secret glances, glances of sadness and a chance of hope. (I suppose.)
I hated it.
I had nothing to say, nothing that I could think of but for Tilly to be so quiet, it scarred me to my very core.
She always has something to say, whether it was about her day or about someone else or about how shit things are or if something good has happened to her- literally anything.
She could be awarded for the worlds longest talker and I'd be damned proud if she won that award.
But no- we're here in her car, in silence heading to St. Jude's hospital for the mentally ill.
Because she thinks somethings wrong with me, I mean something is technically not right with me- I used to take medication, I've tried throwing myself under a train (though it might've not been on purpose) I watched my lover throw himself under a train, I've endured his berating, slashes and hits.
I've been through a lot.
I just hope this place isn't like what I've seen on television.
I gulped gripping my thigh as she pulled up towards the building parking outside of it. She sighed, her hands not leaving the steering wheel while she kept her face staring out the front window. It's like she didn't want to leave her car, leave the quiet we made for ourselves, leave me.
I watched her for about a minute as she soon stepped out.
I followed her soon after, with my suitcase in hand and Tilly by my side, she just stood gawking at the rather big building. Her arms crossed as she examined the whole of the front with her eyes. She took her time with it too and when she was done that's when we started walking towards the door, entering at our own pace.
The reception was nice to be honest I think the building itself was rather nice.
Maybe I was over reacting or maybe this is the start, they lure you in with lovely nice decor and before you know it they strap you to a bed and inject you with needles and dumb you up till your nothing but a low life husk.
"Wait here okay." Tilly said, her voice croaky and low as she wandered over to the desk.
I sighed grasping my cases handle with sweaty palms, god why're they so sweaty, were they always like this is this the first time I'm noticing or did they start becoming moist as soon as I entered the building.
"So you must be Joe." A ladies voice cooed as I glanced back up, She stood before me with Tilly at her side. The recipient wore a smile and her body language read kind and gentle.
"Yes." I whispered smiling back at her, wiping my hand down my jeans before offering it to her.
"It's lovely to meet you Joe, if you don't mind could you leave your luggage by the desk and we'll have someone take it up to your room." She said leaving my hand on its own, I awkwardly pulled it down back to my side.
"Why? May I ask?" As I took it to the desk.
"It's just so we can check through it for contraband, like phone wires, Razors, aerosols, alcohol, etc! At St. Jude's we like to keep our patients safe but we also like to encourage a little bit of freedom too!" She explained as I nodded.
"What kind of freedom?" I asked as she turned to Tilly.
"Right! I uhh- better get going!" Tilly interrupted as I 'ah'd.'
"I'm really gonna miss you y'know that! Don't misbehave or do anything stupid while you're here!" She told me as I nodded giving her a hug.
"Listen to what they're telling you okay? I promise to visit from time to time! Okay!" She sniffled eventually letting me go, she held up her head and started fanning her eyes.
"I promised myself I wouldn't cry and I'm not gonna alright!" She huffed as I chuckled.
"You can cry if you like I don't mind." I told her as she shook her head.
"Don't Joe- please- I love yah but I have to leave yah with a dry face." Tilly sniffled again giving me another long hug before she left.
"Let me show you upstairs." The lady said escorting me up to the first floor of the ward.
She rang the doorbell, another worker letting her in as she directed me into the hall of doors and patients.
"You can have a wander round if you like- I just have to fill some things out up here!" She told me as I nodded awkwardly waddling around the halls, looking in each room. One was certainly packed with patients all surrounded by this small television watching Eastenders.
It was terribly quiet, nothing like I seen on tv.
Usually when it came to mentally ill people on shows they were raving mad but here it brings a sort of realness. You don't exactly know what's going on with someone until you're told or you see it.
I hummed to turn my attention else where till I bumped into someone while exiting the door.
"I'm terribly sorry!" I apologised frantically.
"Aww it's alright! No injuries anywhere luckily!" The boy spoke, he sounded rather happy, kind of playful despite being bumped into.
"Well I suppose that's good." I smiled as he patted my shoulder while I felt my heart calm.
"I take it you're new here? Just signed in? Or-" he raised a brow with a slight smirk.
"Yes! My sister, Tilly, just dropped me off, now the nurses are just finishing off some paperwork!" I explained as the boy nodded and started walking, I began to follow.
"I'm Joe by the way." I said wiping my hand down my trousers offering it to the boy.
"Campbell!" He said shaking my hand not minding how sweaty they are.
"So- what is it you do around here? I tried asking one of the nurses what she meant by 'expressing freedom' but she blew me off." I frowned as Campbell smiled and shrugged gently wrapping an arm round my shoulder as we stopped by one of the many rooms.
"Oh you've come to the right guy! There's plenty fun here- you just have to find it! And have the right privileges! I get to run the radio room with Eddie! He isn't a patient here but he's more than welcome into the family by now! We get to host whenever- well not really- well within a time period! But when we do everyone gets up surrounds the booth and boogies! To their little mentally ill hearts content!" He grinned glancing up at ceiling biting his lower lip as I listened contently.
With every word he spoke it was like a jolt of energy just bursting, waiting to be released. It was electrifying.
Very passionate.
I held onto every word he spoke like I was gonna need it for a test.
It almost got me excited.
Made my stomach flutter with familiarity.
"You should see it! We should be doing it tomorrow- do you wanna recommend a song? We can play it for you if you'd like!" He asked- his words bouncing excitedly.
"I would love to but I wouldn't know what song to pick." I frowned holding my face as I glanced down towards the shiny grey floor.
"There you are! And I see you've met Campbell already!" I hummed turning to find the nurse that led me up here.
"Listen if he bothers you don't feel afraid to tell us, we'll deal with him!" She said almost in a joking manner as she giggled, Campbell rolled his eyes but still wore a smile.
I wonder how many times he's probably heard that.
"And by deal with is give me my pills and send me to my room so I can scream to the bells," he nudged my arm with his elbow.
"Well- Joe here's your suitcase back, we've had to confiscate a couple things like your deodorant and razor, but if you do desperately need a shave you'll just have to alert one of the nurses or myself if I'm around, to do it for you." She said while clasping her hands.
"We'd prefer roll on deodorants in the near future if you ever find yourself back here again, hopefully not though." I nodded taking my suitcase back.
"Your rooms still being processed at the moment so feel free to leave your belongings in Campbell's room if that's alright with you?" She said gazing at Campbell as he hummed and shrugged.
"Should be alright! Might need to check in with the boss though." He joked as the nurse soon walked off and Campbell took me to his room.
