𝐛𝐚𝐛𝐲 𝐦𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐚, ᵐᵃᵗᵗʰᵉʷ ˢᵗᵘʳⁿⁱᵒˡᵒ

𝟏𝟔.

𝐢 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮
ʷᵃˢ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʳⁱᵍʰᵗ ᵈᵉᶜⁱˢⁱᵒⁿ?
(𝟏𝟔.)

i blinked my eyes open adjusting to the new environment that surrounded me. madi was still snuggled into the blankets next to me. she had since let go of my hand and turned the other way. i turned so that my back was laid flat on the bed. i stared at the blank white ceiling above me. the popcorn creating small shadows all along the ceiling. i was very uncomfortable.

nova and celeste moved around constantly in my belly. causing me to be in pain almost all the time. i would get kicked in the bladder and ribs often. my once innie belly button had become and outie. my girls took up so much space in my stomach that i had grown to have stretch marks. i didn't mind that though it proved that i was strong. i could grow two whole humans inside of myself.

i found that courageous and encouraging. i was due any day now. which meant the impending doom of birth. i hoped that i could have a quick and hopefully not too painful birth. i felt bad for whoever would be holding my hand. i thought of matt, what he could possibly be doing right now. a selfish part of me wanted him to be getting on a plane to come find me. that wasn't likely. nor could i even think that of him.

it wasn't his responsibility to come find me. i only hoped that he cared enough to. again came the pangs of guilt to my stomach, on top of nova and celeste moving around i felt like shit. i was a shit person, mostly. i still couldn't believe i left without saying goodbye to one of the most important people in my life. it wasn't matt's fault i was mad at him. it wasn't his fault that i got pregnant and that made everything about what we were that much more complicated.

so i understand him not being able to commit to me, to us, so easily. i wish i had never put that pressure on him. after all i had left so that my three best friends didn't feel like they had to take care of me. i was solely contradicting my one goal. i also couldn't blame myself. all of this was so confusing for me. the hormones, my parents kicking me out, getting knocked up in the first place, coming to terms with being a mother soon, leaving boston, and most of all matt.

i was grateful for everyone who had helped me through this. i only hoped that nick, matt, and chris wouldn't hate me after what i pulled. i hoped that i could explain myself one day. so that they could see my utterly stupid (now that i think about it) plan to leave for la. i also hoped i would be a good mom. i didn't want to be like my parents, absent and too quick to dump me. i would never be like them. not if i could help it.

i lifted myself from the bed and sat up. i brought my achey feet to the floor. i shivered from the stark contrast in temperature between the wooden floor and my feet. i turned my head to my phone which i had left in the same spot for as long as i could. i looked at some of the panicked messages i had received from all three of the triplets. i knew if j responded they would ask me where i was. i couldn't tell them. it would make all of this worthless. in a moment of weakness i replied to matt.

big bad matty b🤭💙

big bad matty b 🤭💙

brooke where are you?
i cant find you?
please let me know you're okay
please
i'm getting really worried
why wouldn't you tell me you were leaving?
is this about our fight?
i'm sorry
i shouldn't have said those things
please brooke i'm sorry
just tell me you're okay
yesterday 9:32 am

brookiecookie😋

matt im okay
im safe
don't worry about me
8:25 am

big bad matty b🤭💙

where have you been??
you scared the shit out of me
where are you?
please just tell me
we're not mad
8:27 am

i immediately regretted responding, but then i didn't. i wanted him to at least know i was safe. i felt horrible for doing this to him. none of it was okay. he would definitely try to come find me at some point and i didn't know what i would do if he did find me. i mean madi and laura where the only other people i could possibly go to. i knew matt knew that, he wasn't dumb.

this was matt we were talking about, he was going to figure it out. and in that moment i felt like actually hurling all over the floor. i never should have done this. "what is wrong with me?" i whispered to myself. like seriously why did i ever think this was a good idea. i had to go get some fresh air. i walked down the hall until i reached the front door.

my head was spinning. matt clouded my thoughts. what if i was never ready to have children? what if i wasn't going to do it right? i'm still eighteen. why would i just leave like that? i placed my hands on my lower back and raised my head yo the sky. it was a beautiful blue, just like his eyes. matt's eyes. i took a deep inhale, i exhaled all of my bad feelings starting to tighten in my chest.

i was being stupid when i left, i could have just gone with my three best friends. it was then that it finally got through my thick skull that i had never been a burden, not to them. they truly cared about me, and matt. matt made me feel like the most important girl in the world. he made me feel as if i had never gotten into this whole mess in the first place.

i hated to admit such vulnerable feelings but i really loved him. like he was my center of gravity, my pull to the earth. he is what has kept me grounded for far longer than i had thought. he was my moon and stars, he was my everything. how was i going to fix this mess now? i had dug such a deep hole i needed to get myself out of.

i pulled my phone out of my pocket and pressed on the call app. i didn't have to search very far to find his contact. i tapped it bringing my phone up to my ear, listening to the dail tone made my heart hammer in my chest.

B SPEAKS!

shes so silly
you gotta love her 😭
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