Don't Look Down

Chapter 9

Frank pov

Gerard laid next to me, looking up at the night sky. The air was cool and I felt goosebumps rise on my arms and legs. I scooted closer to Gerard till I felt his body heat. He rolled so we were facing each other and just stared at me. His eyes searched mine for something.

"Hi." He whispered. I felt a grin tug at the corners of my mouth grin.

"Hey." Gerard looked down at my hands before slowly reaching down and lacing our fingers together. Holding his hand sent butterflies exploding through my stomach and let out a shaky breath. Gerard turned his head back up toward the sky while affectionately rubbing the back of my hand with his thumb.

"I-this isn't easy for me to admit, but i've been thinking a lot lately; mostly about you. I really like you Frank. I can't get you out of my mind. You're like this drug that I can't get enough of." He said softly.  I noticed Gerard says 'like' a lot when he's nervous. I think it's a Jersey thing.

I cleared my throat nervously before I heard myself speak."Y-You like me? Gerard I-I." My voice went quiet as I stuttered, struggling to find the words to explain how I felt about him.

No words that were good enough came to mind.

"Yeah..." He sighed. He squeezed my hand a littler tighter like he was afraid I'd run. He waited for me to talk while painfully pinching his bottom lip between his teeth.

"I like you too. But-but Gerard why?" I looked up at him through my thick eyelashes.

"Frank, you're amazing. You are my best friend. You have this effect on me that I just can't wrap my head around. Its like this beautiful distraction from m-everything. You're my antidote and I'm yours. I want to make you feel better." He sounded like he wanted to say more but didn't.

"But I've got so many....issues. Honestly you shouldn't be around me." I argued softly.

"Do you want me to go?" He asked.

"No." I said sternly yet slightly panicky. Making that answer extremely obvious.

"Then I'm not going anywhere, Frankie. You need me and I-I need you." He murmured.

"You need me?" I scoffed in disbelief.

Gerard never really talks about his past depressants in great detail. He hints they're there but he hasn't technically told me. I respect if he's not ready, but I'm concerned.

"Yes Frank. You're my best friend, and I'm hooked on the feeling you you give me. I'm unavoidably drawn to you." He looked down at our tangled hands with a smile on his lips.

"I don't know why. I'm not attractive. If anything I'm-"

"I find you attractive." He cut in.

"You can do so much better than me, Gerard. You are fucking perfect." I exclaimed.

He chuckled than whispered a "Thanks." Then said. "Look, do you not wanna be with me cause you are making a lot of excuses-"

"I do! Oh my god I do! I just want to make sure you actually want...this...us." I defended.

I don't want to shatter what friendship I have with Gerard is 'us' failed. He could say he hates me and I'd still love him. One reason why love is so toxic.

"I do. Frank I like you...a lot." He sounded so desperate.

"I'm warning you now Gerard, I'm not worth all the shit I bring." I sighed. Gerard shifted closer to me, his face inches from mine. He leaned in till his lips were softly brushing against mine. The feeling made my lips tingle and breathing stop.

"Frankie we've all got problems. We'll be alright. We've been okay this far eh?" He breathed then pulled away. He didn't exactly kiss me. I was disappointed to say the least.

I really want to kiss Gerard fully. I was extremely flustered and anxious for the moment we do eventually kiss. It's obvious he knows he can have an effect on me.

He was smiling the whole time we were walking back to his house. I was tempted to grab his hand but my anxiety kept them in my pockets. To be honest, I'm hesitant about this whole thing. I'm a super unstable person, yes Gerard helps, but I can't live with him forever. Eventually, I'm going to have to go home and face my parents. Also, I'll be alone in my room. I hate the idea of that. The thoughts that come when Gerard isn't with me to block them out are...

"Frank? Did you hear me?" Gerard's soothing voice interrupted my thoughts.

"What? Sorry." I said. He was about to repeat himself when his face grew concerned.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Uh yeah." I mumbled, but I wasn't very convincing cause he then pleaded.

"Tell me. Frank please." I looked over at him then spoke.

"I'm thinking about when I have to see my parents again." It wasn't the whole truth, but most of it.

"It'll be okay Frank. From what you told me your mom seems considerate." He reasoned.

"She is. She just doesn't do enough, especially when it comes to my dad." My voice came out as a squeak when I mentioned my dad.

"I'm sorry Frank. I wish I could make it all better." He sighed. I smiled at him.

"Can't you see? You do."

I looked down at my torn converses as we walked. My mind fuzzed as I thought about how I'd be dead without Gerard; literally and metaphorically.