Forever Flying

Chapter 1

The nightmares come at me in unrealistic forces every night and they seem to get worse. The screaming, the crying, and the breaths becoming less and less as each passenger died right in front of me. I was almost one of them, until a lifeboat finally came back and picked me up. The last thing I saw was Rose with a whistle in her mouth, trying to call the lifeboat back until I blacked out. I never forgot those high pitched metallic screeches and the urgency of them. Every time I hear them I want to go back to that time and jump into the water and save her, but I still don't know if she saved herself.

That night, as I was deep in my nightmares, I was left with one question. What happened to my Rose?

When the morning rays struck, I held my sweating head and tear stained cheeks. It was the same every time I try to get, even a little, rest. And every morning I'm left with so many questions. What could have been? What happened to her?
Her.

It was the word that terrified me and brought me in tears. Rose changed my life and showed me love for the first time and in a deeper way. She was the one that taught me to realize how quickly a person can love and I truly loved her. If she were alive, or if she were here with me, would she even want to see me? If I could have just dove back into the water and be with her, maybe things would be different. I would know where she is or if she was even alive right now. And I would rather die with her, but I need to go on for her and not give up. Just like I told her when I thought I was going to die in the freezing waters.

After a long bath and quiet breakfast, I headed to my therapist. These nightmares peaked to their unnatural heights in the summer of 1920 and I forced myself to seek help. Even after 2 long years of therapy, I still have the reoccurring nightmares. Almost all consisting of Rose's weakening face as she looked down at me from the wooden piece of debris and told me that she loved me.

I drove into the city of New York with her face in my mind. Her red curls and jade eyes. It haunted me. And for almost 10 long years it has. I miss her smile, her laughs, and the way she fought. She was so strong and so brave that she even swam through the cold halls of the Titanic to save me from an icy grave. She left Cal and even punched a man, or so she told me. Her fire never seemed to burn out and she refused the idea of giving up. She was like one of those time bombs from the world war who would blow up if you came too close.

As I drove, I realized how amazing she was. But her face disappeared from my mind when I almost crashed into a car in front of me. I stomped on the brake and took a long breath. I was going to go insane. I was so close to crashing the small car and the people didn't seem to notice, so I drove off quickly for my daily routine.

Parking in front of the office, I pulled out the small bottle of alcohol and chugged it down. It was the only thing that calmed my nerves, but not all of the alcohol in the world could make me forget. It seemed that the only thing keeping me going was Rose. But not only that. Yes, Rose was a great big deal in my life, but I know that Fabrizio was long gone. I never forgot him too, but knowing he is with his love Helga, relaxes me and let's me have peace with him. I even have his grave placed in the city's most exclusive cemetery that costs a fortune to buy a spot, but it was for him. I even try to visit him every week on my Saturdays.

I threw the empty bottle onto the seat next to me and rubbed my tired eyes. Opening the glove box, I pulled out the small picture of Fabrizio and I. His large eyebrows raised and his mouth in a large smile. We took this a week before we boarded the once great ocean liner and it feels like a century since I heard his Italian voice and one of his many jokes. I remembered all of our fun times and wished that I could have grown up with him, so that way I could have spent more time with him.

My heart ripped into small pieces at the picture. We stood in front of a hair salon where we both had our first hair cuts in years. We looked so happy. I felt a tear fall onto my cheek and I quickly placed the picture back into the glove box: trying to control myself before I fell into another panic attack.