"Noelle." He spoke.
That was my first time hearing my name off his lips, and I may have lost my cool for the first time in my life.
"Now that I say it, you're more of a Noelle than a Nikki" he gave a goofy grin.
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Noelle.
"I am beautiful, I am smart, I am kind" My four, almost five, year old daughter spoke in her soft voice. I adjusted her backpack that was bigger than her, and caressed her moisturized cheek with my thumb. "Say it again for mommy, just one last time" I chirped at her, on the floor kneeled in front of her. "Mommy, how many times am I going to say it?" she quarried, on the verge of being sick of me having her do morning affirmations.
"Until forever, Lani. Doing this trains your brain. It trains it to be the person that you say you are, baby. Cause you are beautiful." I cooed caressing both of her cheeks now. "You are smart." I added, kissing her cheek, she giggled in response. "You are kind." I finished, embracing her into a tight hug, she hugged back, laying her head in the crook of my neck.
After almost a full minute in that position, I felt wetness drop down my chest and seep through the thin material of my shirt. "Lani, use your words. Mommy can't help you if she doesn't know why you're upset" I spoke calmly, letting her keep her head on my chest as I rubbed her back somberly. After a few seconds, I could hear her heaving for air as she sobbed into my shoulder.
I knew what was wrong, but I wanted her to express her emotions to me herself. I won't always be around to decipher her feelings and thoughts for her. I want that to be a skill that she learns early on so that she wont have any complications with facing her true feelings and emotions when it comes to anything as she grows older. I will not let a lack of communication skills drag her down the way it did me.
From the moment that I had Leilani, she was attached to me at the hip. She was a quiet baby, rarely ever cried, rarely ever wanted for attention, due to her being an only child and me being a single parent. As far as she knows, we're the only family that we have. The rest of my family live in Seattle. While she knows quite a bit about them, and has seen tons of pictures since she was old enough to grasp who they are, she's aware that we don't live near them and can't meet them for a while. Not until she's older, and not until I'm ready. Selfish, I know.
When I found out I was pregnant with Lani, I packed up my things, all my savings, and I moved out of my parents house to San Francisco. I cut off all communication with my family and friends besides Aria and my older brother Keith. I still remember that day like it was yesterday, and it never fails to bring me a sense of relief yet selfishness.
For as long as I could remember, my younger sister Ayva had wanted to be me, and that included doing everything that I did, good or bad. If Noelle cut her hair, Ayva had to follow suit. If Noelle got hair nails done, Ayva had to get hers done. And if Noelle got a boyfriend, you guessed it, Ayva had to get a boyfriend. Better yet, the same boyfriend. It was always never ending with her, though I can't pin it all on her. With emotionally detached parents with chronic drinking problems and me being only two years older than her, she was bound to cling to me.
*flashback*
I danced through the crowd of people to sit down, slightly tipsy, taking full advantage of my new ID, showcasing that I was finally able to drink, legally. I could finally get rid of the fake one I'd had made when I was 17. Sitting near the bar, my friends a few feet away from me, this giant brown skin man with a head full of curly hair had been sharing glances all night, and I knew cause I was glancing back.
